Ask Me Anything

Chapter 30 - When Procrastination Pays Off

My heart is pounding at the sound of her voice, I open her door just wide enough for me to fit through and take a small tentative step into the room. Assuming it couldn't be anyone but Molly, she doesn't look up to see who it is. Wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a fitted white t-shirt, she is sitting cross legged on her bed and leaning back against the wall. Sitting next to her on the bed is the unfolded letter and the crumpled bag with the remaining half of the chocolate chip bagel I brought her sitting on top of it. She looks adorable as she is trying to chew a huge mouthful of bagel and I can't hide my amusement. When she finally does glance up, her eyes get large as she does a double take when she sees that it's me. As she struggles to chew and swallow her bite, I can't help but smile.

"Hi," she finally says meekly. "You can sit down if you want," she says motioning to the chair next to the bed. I nervously walk over and sit down on the soft stuffed chair, propping my guitar up against the arm.

All of the feelings I had while walking hand in hand by the river with her come rushing back to me. Just being this close to her again makes my entire body feel like it's awake. It also makes me realize exactly what is at stake. Whatever questions I had about whether love was really worth all of the pain are suddenly answered by something as simple as her proximity. Yes. It was worth the pain. I know this now. All along, the answer had been that simple. These are the feelings you go all-in for.

My eyes flicker up to hers. She is still sitting in the same spot, her head cocked to the side and her eyes already curiously examining me. I blush when I realize I had drifted off and she's probably been watching me the entire time.

"You remembered about the bagel," she says with a small smile.

"Of course." I look down at my shoes, fighting back a sudden wave of shyness. I turn in the chair so I am fully facing her, my knees touching the edge of her mattress, and bring my eyes back up again. "Lena, I'm so sorry," my voice quivering slightly. "I just...." I trail off, overwhelmed by emotion. She scoots forward until she's within arm's reach and sets her hand down on my arm. My breath hitches at her touch.

"You could have told me at any point," she says, picking up my letter.

"I wanted to. You have no idea how much I wanted to, but I was just so scared and then things just got out of hand..." I pause, struggling for words.

"I know you're sorry that I'm hurting, but I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to understand why this hurt me so badly."

I open my mouth to talk, but stop when I see the look on her face.

This time it's her voice that is trembling. "I fell for you," she says plainly. "I'm a cynic when it comes to love, but I swore that the next time I had feelings for someone, I would find out everything about them. Everything. I figured if I had all of the information, I could make an actual intelligent decision instead of just thinking with my heart and then having it get crushed again." She pauses and pulls her eyes away from mine, taking a deep breath before she continues.

"So what did I do? I fell for someone that not only did I know nothing about, I met him because he was sending me anonymous texts. Do you understand how ridiculous that is?"

"I am completely aware of how ridiculous it is," I say with a half smile. "You aren't the only one who thinks that."

"I put all of my trust in someone I didn't even know. James, you have no idea how badly I wanted to believe that the person on the other side of those texts felt the same way about me. That instead of always being suspicious, I could finally trust someone to be who they said they were. And when I met you in person, I was ecstatic because you were the exact same person you were in the texts. It wasn't just someone presenting an image, you were a real person! And then when Gavin recognized you, I wasn't just confused and hurt, I was embarrassed. I felt so stupid."

Tears start to roll down her cheeks and I can't stand it anymore. Saying nothing, I get out of the chair and sit next to her on the bed, putting my arm around her and pulling her into me. She doesn't resist and puts her head down on my shoulder. With my free hand, I brush the tears from her cheeks. Even though we are about the same size, she seems so small and fragile all of a sudden. We sit quietly with her folded up next to me until her sniffling slows and finally stops.

"I wanted to stay mad at you," she carries on, "but I couldn't be mad once I read your letter and I understood why you kept that from me. You need to know that someone wants to be with you for the right reasons and I respect that."

I'm terrified to ask the one thing I need an answer to, but there isn't a way around it. The worst answer she could give me is 'it's over.' The second worst would be 'I don't know.'

"So now what do we do?" I cautiously ask.

I feel her sigh and pull away from me a little bit, lifting her head off of my shoulder. Her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are flushed and pink. My heart aches just looking at her.

"It's not like I could even get you out of my head if I tried. I can't even have the volume or vibrate on on my phone. I'm getting tagged on Facebook nonstop at this point. And don't even get me started on YouTube. I started getting notifications from that today too so I'm guessing I've been outed on there also."

I look up at her guiltily, but she's peering back at me with a smirk on her face.

"Turn them off!" I joke back at her.

"I can't! I'll miss all of my live show notifications!"

I roll my eyes and grab my phone. "I don't know if this will fix it or make I worse, but let me try something." I open my YouTube app and stop to think for a minute. I take some time to change a few things, hoping it works.

"What did you do? You didn't take it down did you?" she says with concern in her voice. "I may still listen to those songs every day. Or several times a day. Or you know, whatever."

Before I can stop myself, I start laughing. She responds by chucking a Snorlax pillow at me. I lazily toss it back in her direction, but when I glance up, I catch her staring at me. I hold her gaze and we sit in silence like that for a few seconds. I'm fully aware that she didn't answer the question I so desperately need her to answer, but I'm not sure if it's ok for me to ask again. Before I get a chance to bring it up again, she catches me off-guard with a question of her own.

"Why did you bring your guitar?" she asks, noticing it for the first time.

Shit. I still have nothing.

"I was going to play a song for you too."

"Was?" she questions. "You changed your mind?"

"Not exactly."

"Can I hear it?"

"Well, that's the thing," I say sheepishly. "I never decided on which one to play."

"That's going to drop your 'mystery admirer' score again," she says mischievously.

"I hope not. I imagine my grade is near failing at this point," I comment as I nervously run my hand through my hair, trying to hide a small smile. "Is there any song you want to hear?"

She smiles wide and tilts her head. "No, you don't get off that easy. Apparently, your plan was a letter, a bagel, and a song. You're on the verge of winning me back with your writing and bagel buying abilities, but I want my song."

Wait....I am?

She sits back with a satisfied look on her face and takes a bite of the remaining half of the bagel.

I lean forward and grab my guitar, going into full panic mode on the inside, hoping she can't tell just how frantic my thoughts are right now. I adjust myself on her bed so I'm leaning with my back against the headboard and my legs crossed to help support the guitar in my lap. I pull a pick out of my pocket and busy myself with pretending to tune an already tuned guitar.

It also buys me just enough time because I figure out what I'm going to do.