Ask Me Anything

Chapter 18 - What Does an Existential Crisis Sound Like?

I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. Yesterday, Jas and I had debated songs and cover art well into the evening. She had finally flounced out of my apartment around 10:30 last night because she had to get up early for work today. Despite the fact I knew I would also have to get up early and work most of the day today, I still stayed up long after she left. We had argued over everything from the photos to the songs on the list, even on the toppings of the pizza we eventually ordered. Essentially, the only thing we accomplished in all that time was editing the concert clip of Robbers and uploading it to the YouTube channel.

She wanted to use an unpublished picture of my Converse and guitar from a photo shoot the band did last year for the channel art because she felt it was iconic. If it's 'iconic' doesn't that mean people could recognize it? It needs to be something personal. I flip though my folders of photos trying to find something that makes sense. There is one on Broadway taken in the same photo shoot. The photographer had stood in the middle of the street looking straight ahead with the buildings on either side of him stretching far down the block. From that angle, you could see the Bluebird, the record store, and the pub we ate lunch at last week.

That picture is a lot less obvious. It contains all 3 places I had ever seen Lena at, but the only person who knew that was Jas. I trust her, if for no other reason that she has almost as much emotionally invested in this as I did. I upload the photo and continue to ponder the profile picture.

It suddenly hits me....the random fact text. I had synced my phone earlier, so the picture should be on my computer. After a few minutes of searching, I find the picture of her Snapple bottle lid with the Venus flytrap fact under it and upload it to the space where my picture would normally go. Two problems solved, now I need to figure out a few more songs.

Instead of random love songs, I am trying to choose them because they have personal meaning behind them, but without being too obvious. Love is Blindness was playing in the record store when I saw her for the first time, and as an added bonus, it is in the movie version of The Great Gatsby, which I now know is her favorite book. Undisclosed Desires is about making sure the person that you love is who they say they are, which at least in my case, is pretty appropriate. The My Bloody Valentine song is the one that hits closest to home. It's about trying to understand how come the person you love doesn't love you back, and in the end, choosing to not be in a relationship to avoid being hurt is the better option.

I decide to add David Bowie's Heroes. A song about doomed lovers and redemption may or may not apply in our case, but it's still a kick ass song. This, along with the Robbers performance, made 5 videos. I hope it was good enough to start with since I can always add more later. The fear of her being disappointed when she finally meets me is still first and foremost in my mind. I feel like if I fill this list with dozens of sappy love songs like Jas suggested, it will get her hopes up, when the reality of it is that I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just not a love song sort of guy and I feel like I'm drowning in them right now.

I shove the computer aside and lay down on the couch with my arm over my eyes to block out the light. Maybe this is it. This is the way my life is and I'm just not capable of more. Right now, I'm sort of wondering how mad Jas is at me. I'm fairly certain that she gets her way most of the time and isn't used to someone questioning all of her decisions like I did last night. I have one person trying to help me and I show my appreciation by arguing with all of her suggestions. I'm sort of wondering how mad Jas is at me after last night. I'm fairly certain that she gets her way most of the time and isn't used to someone questioning and shooting down all of her ideas. Maybe she was right though? Maybe I'm overthinking all of this. No matter how hard you strive to make your life simple, there are always complications.