"James! What the hell is all of this?" Jasmine screeches into the phone.
I'm not a phone call person and never answer it when it rings, always just letting it go to voicemail. I have no idea why I answered when she called, but I'm instantly regretting it. Disoriented and holding the phone away from my ear, I grab my glasses and check the time. It's already noon.
"Jas! I ....."
"I'm trying so hard to help you!"
Shit. It almost sounds like she's getting ready to cry. I'm in uncharted territory.
"Jas, and I am so grateful for all of your help!", I insist, trying to figure out what's going on. "I can't do this without you!" I throw in for good measure.
"You really mean that?" she replies with a sniffle.
"Yes! Absolutely!" I'm not sure, but I think I can hear Grif laughing in the background.
"Then why did you do that??" she cries,
Still foggy with sleep, I sift through my head and try to figure out what I could have possibly done to piss her off to this magnitude. I may not know a lot about women, but I do know that if I don't figure it out in the next few seconds, she's going to start screaming again.
"Can you....remind me what happened?" I can only pick up a few words from her ensuing rant. From what I gather, she is upset at my song selections that I made late last night. At this point, I'm also positive that Grif is laughing.
"Jas...Ja....stop....let me.....I can...explain if you...." I spit out as I try to interject. Eventually, I just sit quietly and let her finish. When it seems she is finally out of things to say, I attempt to explain.
"Jas, I can't do it. I can't post a bunch of Top 40 love songs and be sincere about it. In what universe would I ever express my love with a Celine Dion song? That's not me and the more I talk to Lena, that's not her either. She's different."
Silence. I worry when she gets quiet like that. While I have the chance, I take screen shots of parts of our text conversation from last night and send it to her. I waited on the line for her to read it.
Minutes pass before she finally speaks again. "It's your call. You're the one putting yourself out there and I respect that."
"Will you still help me?"
"Absolutely," she says immediately. "I just....are you absolutely sure about this?"
"Of course not!" I say loudly. "When have I ever been sure about anything having to do with women?" Her sigh is loud enough for me to hear over the phone.
"James!"
"Jas!"
"Fine. Send me the link when you are done and I'll take it from there."
I awkwardly agree and say my goodbyes, vowing to never answer the phone again. Immediately after I end the call, however, I get a text.
Grif: Dude! Did you just win an argument with her??
Ignoring his comment, I toss the phone down and go back to my laptop. My stomach is starting to twist knowing that this plan has gone just about as far as I can take it and that soon it will be out of my hands and into Jas'. I trust her completely, but this entire thing has pushed me far beyond the edge of any comfort zone that I've ever had. Not only am I putting my heart on the line in public, I'm also putting my musical taste on the block for judgement. Despite my original intent, these songs aren't an attempt to make her be interested in me as much as they are just me presenting a piece of myself to her. I want her to begin to know me and this is the only way I know how.
I focus on the screen and go through each song on the list one last time:
Love is Blindness – Jack White
Sometimes – My Bloody Valentine
1975: Robbers
David Bowie: Heroes
The Cure: Edge of the Deep Green Sea
My Chemical Romance: Helena
Depeche Mode: Stripped
Muse: Undisclosed Desires
Echo and the Bunnymen: Killing Moon
Pixies: Wave of Mutilation
Pearl Jam: Black
Joy Division: Love Will Tear Us Apart
Jesus and Mary Chain: Just Like Honey
The Church: Under the Milky Way
MCR: Disenchanted
The Cure: Boys Don't Cry
All Time Low – Life of the Party
As an afterthought, I throw in There is a Light That Never Goes Out by Morrissey since she had mentioned it last night. Well, technically The Smiths, but it is the crowning glory of all depressing music. It really is the soundtrack of existential crises everywhere.
This is a collection of love, loss, and sorrow, which are all interconnected. Very rarely can you have one without the others. All of these songs aren't just music and lyrics to me, they are defining moments. I didn't choose any of them based on wanting to show off my knowledge of B-sides, deep cuts, and rarities or because they were the best representation of a certain artist. I wanted the iconic songs, the ones that resonate. The stuff you sing in the shower and the car. The more people that are drawn into the playlist, the more times it will get shared. At least that is what I'm hoping.
Was this it? I've gone over the page time and time again. There's nothing else I can do except let it go.
I take a deep breath and pick up my phone. I open up my text conversation with Jas, my fingers hovering over the keypad, my heart and head both pounding.
Me: I'm ready.
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Teen FictionJames is a brilliant but awkward guitar player in a popular local band who prefers to hide from the spotlight, content to lose himself in his playing and shying away from friendships and emotional attachments. An accidental run in with a mystery gi...
