Carmen
I felt so numb. I still do.
The feeling of total numbness settling inside me is a feeling I haven't forgotten. I still remember the images, of death and my new found friend being ran away from me on a bed. The thought stamped in my consciousness that she might never come back.
I don't know what to do.
I still remember what Ashton said to me, I still remember the feeling of the impact of the words. Like a knife tearing my heart to pieces, yet I don't understand why it felt like that. I remember his booming voice, like thunder as he stared at me.
"You can't save every life, or know every answer! You've thought that too long, and you need to stop!"
I don't know why it hurt me, because I honestly don't know what to think about it. I don't know if I am angry or sad, or if I don't care about it at all. I lost my sense of direction, my train of endless thoughts. I've lost my emotions, my ability to sort feelings. I don't know if I'm crying now or even alive at all.
My mind is a bottomless pit, and I'm falling. Getting number and number as I plunge into darkness.
I could see my hand; and it was dark. Darkened with Mia's blood, something spilled that should have never been spilled.
Suddenly, I felt myself moving. Shaking, back and forth, and a pressure on my arms. Suddenly, my mind cleared slightly, revealing Ashton's face.
"Carmen! Please, answer me!" I finally heard his fuzzy voice in my ears, rising slightly from my endless pit of sadness.
I swallowed. "Ashton?" I whispered.
I could see him now, his face panic-stricken. His hands were on my shoulders, his eyes staring at me.
"How long has it been?" I whispered.
"It's been five hours," He whispered, his eyes narrowing. "You've been staring at the wall for.... for hours now, after Mia left, and she's.... she's out of surgery."
My heart split in half, one half falling to my stomach and the other rising to my throat. I still didn't move.
"Would... would you like to see her?"
I nodded, and Ashton slowly took my wrist and helped me stand, and we walked.
"Are you feeling alright?" Ashton whispered in my ear.
"No." I said sharply, yet weakly.
"What do you feel?"
"Hopelessness."
I heard Ashton gasp sharply, but he bit his tongue. We continued to walk through the halls, to an unknown room.
What if Mia dies?
It will be another death on my conscience, far too many already there. Enough that I may as well not even live to take anymore.
-
We finally reached the room, my heart pounding. She was in there, I could feel it. Soon, I would see her. See what I've done, learn if she will die or not because of me.
Ashton set his jaw, glancing at me before opening up the door. She was lying there, tubes going into her from all directions, her chest rising and falling. She was alive, but barely.
"Carmen?" Ashton whispered. I nodded. "She won't be up for hours. I already left flowers," He gestured to the table, where a bouquet rested. "We can come back and talk to her later. Tomorrow."
I shook my head. "No, no! It's MY fault she's here, I should at least stay!" I screamed.
"No," Ashton said. "You need to rest. Now. It's been a long time since you have."
"NO, ASHTON!" I screamed, thrashing. I started thrashing as Ashton struggled to calm me. "I simply can't leave! It's my fault, and she shouldn't be alone when she wakes up!"
"CARMEN!" Ashton bellowed, clearly and honestly scaring the living shit out of me. I suddenly caught my breath, calming slightly. Ashton took this chance to grab my wrists. "I've already called her family after getting information of Missing Persons from the office, so they will be here when she wakes up. It's not your fault; you didn't pull the trigger, did you?"
I didn't answer. I didn't want to; of course I didn't pull the damn trigger, but saying that will let him win. I'm not going to leave that easily.
"Carmen?" Ashton said, gripping my wrists and leaning closer, staring intently at my eyes. "Where is she? The Carmen I once knew isn't here.... where is she? What have you done to her?"
I could tell he was hiding a smirk, laughing mentally at his own 'joke.'
"Not a good time, Fray."
He frowned, scrunching his eyebrows together. He knew I wouldn't answer his question. The old Carmen is gone; stolen by too many fights for her life.
_______________________
I woke up surrounded by darkness, swaddled by blankets. My head was clouded and throbbing, and I had no idea where I was. I could here voices nearby, maybe in the next room. But the whispers weren't loud enough to decipher.
I slowly swung my tired, bruised self out of the bed, the floor cool on my feet. I padded through the room, my hands out in front of my looking for a light switch.
When I finally found it, I flicked it on and looked around. I was in a bedroom; but not mine. I was in the same clothes as I was last time I remember anything. The room was nice; sophisticated. There was a shut laptop on a black desk to my right, a bed with gray-blue sheets in front of me. A white dresser was to my left, a closet in the corner. It was very empty, and very boring.
I sighed, turning around and turning the knob. I heard a yelp in the next room, and I kept walking, looking for the source.
Behind a door to my left I could see Ashton, with all of his equipment for the case. He was spinning in his chair, fists pumping. Ah, a gasp of happiness. Not fear.
"A-Ashton?" I said, slowly opening the door.
"Carmen! You're awake. I hope you're feeling better."
"Ashton?" I asked, not acknowledging his nice comment. "What's going on?"
"Luck is on our side now, partner. I think I've finally found the breakthrough we've been looking for."
