Summer Journal #2(COMPLETE)

A Possible Betrayal

So, if none of you know, my house situation isn't the best. My father and mother are at war with one another. My father hasn't spoken to me since the night of prom, where he yelled at me because he found a letter from my bae and he thought I was dating him. I said it was a joke letter from a game of truth and dare, he believed me. He does not know that I am dating Alexx, if he did, he'd practically shun me and his whole "I could never live without you in my life, Luis" thing is all fucking bullshit. My mother however knows that I'm dating Alexx, and she's fine with it. 

So, as there is a war in the threshold, there shall be sides. My mothers and my fathers. As of right now, I'm on my mothers. Why? Welp, there was a time where I tried to stay as neutral as possible. I didn't want to choose a side between two people I loved. My father has pushed me aside, my mother still loves me. My father told me that if I did certain things or if he found out that some things were true, he'd kick me out of the house. He'd leave me, he'd not talk to me. I had a logical choice and that was to side with my mother, she has the love of a mother, that is a love stronger than that of a father. 

So, I'm supporting my mother, which means I'm at war with my father. My brother is still neutral because he tries to ignore this war as best as he can. My sister used to be a strong supporter of my mother.

HISTORY: In case you don't know, my sister is my half sister. Her father died when she was an infant. My mother hooked up with my father when she(Kristina, my sister) was three or four. Since my father was my sisters only father figure, she kinda had to respect him. My father had done questionable things to my sis and mother. His discipline techniques were as well questionable. So, mother and father are dating, they don't get married and then boom. They have me. My father never really cleaned my dirty diapers or had the patience to shush me caringly so he'd yell at a baby me and spank me? Not sure why yelling and physical violence would make an infant stop crying, but whatever. Anyways, I grow and live my life. The only man in my life who I remembered having good memories with was my mothers father. I loved him a lot, he was more of a father to me than my actual one. Sadly, he died five days before my third birthday, pictures I see of him and I bring back a lot of memories. About four months later, my brother is born. He's the baby, the youngest, the favorite. I took the spotlight away from my sister, causing her to dislike me at a very young age, but she never did anything about it but complain. When Danny, my little brother, took the spotlight away from me I did something. Kristina protected him from me, I had pulled a knife out on baby Danny, I had done many things that I am not proud of, but I feel as though that was the beginning of something drastic in my future. So, I hated Danny, Kristina loved him but hated me. Kristina and I hated each other until I was like 13, so three years ago. Danny and I have a love hate brother relationship. Kristina and I, I dunno, it's a bit confusing. 

So, back to now time. Recently my father has been speaking in private with my sister. She never speaks with our mother anymore. My mom is saddened by this. My sister won't tell anything to my mom, and so it's like my sister has betrayed her birth mom and joined sides with my birth father. Like, what the hell? Had she forgotten about the verbal abuse my father put Kristina through? Has she forgotten about all the anxiety, the emotional pain that she went through because of my dad? 

I'm really confused. My mother is really hurt. My sister is being really sketchy. My father is one of the biggest dicks I know, and the only person I genuinely hate. My brother, he's doing his best to ignore and I'm scared for the day when he can't ignore it and it hits him, because when it does, it's going to hit him hard. 

So, yeah. This year, hopefully my mother will get a place of her own. She's already spoken to a lawyer. And according to this lawyer, since birth certificates aren't considered legal documents for whatever reasons, my father isn't legally my father because he never married my mother, nor did he sign any legal papers identifying proof of being my parent. My mom can't afford this though, the things she has to pay for, a house, a lawyer and everything else, she can't pay. She's kinda stuck and it sucks. I hope that her faith in God will help. I do believe in a God, I may not worship him or follow every word in the Bible, but I do believe that there is a God out there. I hope that he will help my mother, I hope that he can help my mother get away from this hellhole because she isn't happy here, she's scared, she's sad, she's angry. She doesn't even have her own daughter anymore, she only has her two sons. The only two men who will do anything for her, granted it seems very necessary.  

Guys, I'm in a warzone. It's been going for 16 years. Both sides say I am not the cause of this war, but I say I am. I'm the only one between the three kids who'll say anything. I'm the only one who yells back the face of my father, the only one who dares lie to my mother. I'm the only stupid enough to rebel against this chaotic order. 

Some days, I think that I'm gonna kill myself before I see end of this war. Some days, I think I'm gonna make it these next two years of pain. Some days, I honestly think of running away or just harming my father. It'd be easy, his left leg is vulnerable, he had a car accident, his leg could be used to knock him down and kick his face in. One of these days, this war will end, but it'll cost someone a life. Who's life is it gonna take to end this Parental War? My sister is basically dead to me, my father is dead to me, so why am I fighting the dead? Because they don't know how to stay that way. 

Fuck!

11:37 pm, 6/9/17