Since you left

The Letter You'll Never Read

March 20, 2017

My Rambling Letter

Honestly, I was being stupid and reckless because in that moment, I believed I was doing something right.

Leaving you.

I saw how much I was killing you, making you unhappy. How much other females made you smile more than I did. I killed you... so I thought by leaving you, I'd be saving the little pieces of what's left of you.

I hurt you.

Every time I said you didn't care about me, it hurt you.
Every time I called myself ugly it hurt you.

It must've brought you so much pain to see me act out and not notice what you were doing for me.

Saving my selfies, getting upset when people hurt me, getting upset and almost losing your shit because people talked about me. Stepping up to your mom countless times because I told you it was something you had to do.

Whether it was for us being together or for you.

I pushed you out of your comfort zone countless times to only repay you with constant arguments and self hate.
To make you feel as if you weren't trusted.

You know what, you were right.

I didn't trust you.

I wanted to so bad, so many times I honestly, truly, did try to trust you.
But I was so broken back then.
My trust had been broken numerous times.

"I'm just a stupid girl" is what I told you. It was clear you wanted her more to me, but I guess I was wrong.

You loved me at one point in our time together.

Things just changed because I was letting pain, fear, and the past eat at me.

I should've never taken you in so quickly, I should've gave myself time to heal from everything I had endured that year.

I had so many family issues and living issues back then that it emotionally drained me. My grades sunk and it pulled me further in. I started to get harassed about my looks, weight, and you.

I never had that happen to me.
Someone constantly jumping at me because I was with somebody.
Non stop harassment that made me feel even more worthless.

I've put you through so much emotionally distress that, I don't know why, but it finally clicked this year that I had to let you go.
So that someone can love you and make you happy.

Not someone like me, someone who loves you but makes you miserable.

I am so sorry.

I only complained about my feelings throughout our relationship when you were suffering in silence as well.

You were hurting.

You talked about your future with me.
We talked about everything.

For you to then see that future disappearing with me because I couldn't give you what I gave you in the beginning, happiness.

I drained it out of you.

I don't care how many relationships I had been in, in the past. You are the only one I consider to be real.

I never expected to fall in love with you.

I truly didn't.
But I did because I'm sitting here 5-6 months later still crying about how much it hurts.
And I'm the one who did it.

But I guess I had really lost you.
I guess you really did stop loving me.
I guess I really am the one still sitting on that bench. Waiting.
Holding onto something that has already fallen apart.
Holding that damn promise you made me because you knew, you knew the day was coming when you were going to call quits on me.

Ha... look at me still trying to save something that's been dead for months.

I just wanted you to actually hear me out.
I am truly and deeply sorry for everything I've ever done that hurt you.
But frankly, I believe you no longer give a rats ass.

So me typing this was just a waste of time because you won't read it.
You'll only throw it away.
I guess that's what kills me most.
You no longer care for my emotions in anyway.
You no longer tip toe around them like you used to.

You just step on them and act as if I don't exist and you never loved me.
I'm nothing to you now so listening to me is a waste of your time.
It was worth a shot I guess.

Please take care of her.

I hear you've already been treating her right.

So maybe I did do the right thing. Maybe I helped you find love.