Since you left

Late Night Thoughts

Tuesday, August 14, 2018; 1:18 AM:

It's been some time since I last thought of you.

Not in a sense of how you're doing or how things have been, but in sense of how I miss your touch and your sweet words.

At one point, we were real but at another point in time, we became fake.

I miss you, I miss the times we spent together, the little moments we shared, in secret and in public. I miss a lot about you and us but it doesn't hurt.

There's nothing that causes me pain anymore.

Even when I see you move forward, even when I see the things I craved.

I no longer hurt, even when I miss you.

I've grown.

You've grown.

We're no longer blind kids but we aren't experienced adults either.

I'm glad you're okay. That I can say I'm okay.

It's just been awhile.

~•~

Friday, August 17, 2018; 1:43 AM:

For some reason, you won't leave my brain this week.

You're consuming my thoughts and it's confusing me so much.

Please, don't get the wrong idea, this isn't me wanting you back or so, it's me rethinking everything.

Or maybe I do want you back?

Maybe my love is still there?

Funny, isn't it? For me to be the reason we crashed and burn, for everything to fall apart and break up with you; Only for me to still want you, crave you, miss you and wish you were here.

Stupid, isn't it?

Naive of me.

I guess the big piece of it has to do with watching my best friends together and happy.

Something I'm craving for..

I'm being a bitch again, but not towards you anymore.

Towards the only person I have.

I guess it's not just you I got jealous of. It's my best friend too.

I wonder why?

Does it tie in with my past?
Does it have to do with who I am?
Will I ever stop being jealous?

She's happy and I should be supportive, but I can't find it in myself to do it. Something deep inside is stopping me from doing so.

Jealousy is all that comes and I hate it.

I hate to be jealous.

I hate the feeling, I hate the actions brought by it, I fucking hate it.

Because I can find that happiness.
Because I can be beautiful, too.

I can be anything and everything that I've ever felt jealousy towards, so why allow the sick feeling to consume me? To arise?

I'm worthy of everything too, I'm human too.

I guess I'm just afraid of the sense of loss.

I get consumed with fear and in replace, jealousy comes to prevent it from happening.

She's my best friend, she deserves to be happy. I can't have her to myself.

You're my ex lover, I had my chance and I destroyed it. You deserve to be happy now.

And maybe, I don't.

~•~

2:53 AM:

You chose him ..