There's No Sunrise

6: Stone Cold Killer

I'm going to give Josh a POV from here on in. Now you guys understand if Josh's POV is not needed, or it's a Vivii development chapter.

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(Josh's POV)

How it fucking hurt to see Vivii with Alex. I knew he wasn't her type. Some washed up wannabe. I knew he had slept with a lot of people and broken many hearts.

I didn't want Vivii to join that list. He made them change, made them do it all. Vivii with no tattoos and the perfect free smile free of anything but naturalist.

Well used to have no tattoos, but you get my fucking point. God damn it I loved her but I was a chickenshit to tell her.

Me and Amanda had broken up. She found a guy that she wanted to start dating in Calgaey and I'd heard she was in love with him. He'd be better for her than me. He was stable and damned well cool. He actually wasn't a pride. I'd been glad she was happy.

I knew I was in love with Vivii the moment I saw her again. She had the brightest emerald eyes and mischievous smile without the tattoos and everything else.

Alex came around with Vivii to something. Vivii's work had some outing planned together - a small group wanted to go - and it was to a concert. Naturally it was a Fall Out Boy one.

Vivii invited me along but I felt like a third wheel.

They looked so happy, cuddled together while standing. Why couldn't I find someone like Vivii? Why was I in love with someone who was never mine in the first place?

"Where's Amanda tonight?" Vivii asked me when she came over. The weekends together became more frequent. How the hell could I tell Vivii the truth I'd fabricated a lie about me and Amanda's breakup for four weeks. Four fucking weeks.

"She's at her parents," I lied and Vivii turned on her iPod, drowning me out with her headphones. "No she's fucking not you dirty liar," I muttered to myself. Vivii despises liars and I didn't know what the hell to say to her to apologize.

I pretended to change the ringtone on my phone. "Josh?" Vivii said, "why do you have my phone?"

Shit! I forgot that Vivii left her phone here and I must have scooped hers by mistake! That's why I didn't get into the phone easy!

"Josh, what the hell did you tell me?" Vivii said.

That I love you, I said silently in my mind, no fucking god damn it Ramsay! I told her Amanda and me were stil together.

"You a a Amanda are broken up and have been for four weeks. I can't believe you you dirty ducking liar. And just so you know, I broke up with Alex." Vivii said bitterly and shoved me onto my back. "I don't want you around me if you're gonna bullshit about Amanda!"

"I bullshitted! Okay? I hate being broken up with for another guy!" I said.

"Josh, listen to me." Vivii fumed and got up after she'd knocked me onto the couch cushions. "I hate dirty rotten liars who say they have girlfriends when they don't!" Vivii fumed and left in a huff with her phone in her hand and I felt so guilty for lying to her.

It was a simple slip of the tongue. The crazy blue eyes that were mine betrayed my innocence. What was the use living? Even music couldn't heal this.

I decided to open up my phone after I calmed down within the hour and check twitter. Then I saw it on my mentions. Vivii had called me out on her twitter.

"@vivilakeland: I hate @JoshRamsay. He's such a sorry ass liar. A cute sorry ass liar who I didn't want to deal with and he ducking lied about being taken and he's a dick everyone." Even Amanda texted me and told me off after she saw it! I was in so much shit I couldn't even leave without my bandmates asking questions of me.

I couldn't do this. I walked in numbing silence to my bathroom. I had never sunk this low.

"You're the closest to heaven I'd ever be," I sang to myself tears pouring down my face. "And I don't wanna go home right now." I said in silence to my reflection, remembering how viciously Vivii called me out. It'd pushed me to the ledge.

"Everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know I am.." Was all I tweeted, and the mentions poured in to me but I ignored them, staring at the mirror and looking for the thing I was looking for.

An old for that had felled my wings once. Wouldn't hurt to try again. I wasn't a hero. A cape wasn't what I needed. A happy ending. A painless ending.

"Ramsay ANSWER before I bust down your door!!" My bandmate Matt texted and my phone vibrated into the tub, vibrating over the counter and shattering.

I picked up my phone and threw the broken pieces on my bed. Wouldn't need that where I was going. I quietly sang the song of my depression years. "And I don't want the world to see me.. I don't think that they'd understand.. When everything's meant to be broken.. I just want you to know that I am.."

I grabbed the silver object and was about to press down on my wrist when three sets of hands yanked me upwards and made me drop it. I stared up at the faces of Matt, Ian and Mike.

"Josh don't you fucking dare." Matt said looking at me. I kicked and screamed I didn't know what the fuck I said in that numb moment. "Is this cause of Vivii?"

"I can't have a girl who I like without fucking them up." I silently said in silence and Matt glared at me. "You can never ever scare us like that again.. I know that's why you're gonna say that."

"Josh, this is time two." Matt said. "Third time I seriously am considering getting you counselling. You are my best friend you are on a dark road. Stop yourself and then the fuck around." Matt added.

"I agree with Matt. What the fuck is wrong with you Josh? You are perfect, and you can be sure as hell Vivii didn't mean it. She just doesn't like liars. Do you know Vivii broke up with Alex? Because he called her out for calling you out." Mike said. "A guy makes mistakes Josh, we've all gotta learn from them."

"She hates liars Mike! All girls do," I added.

"Are you getting Vivii confused with someone else?" Mike said.

"Josh?!" I heard a voice through the haze of delirium. I took maybe one sleeping pull or two.

"Josh? Did you take anything?" Matt said. "You sound a little jumbled."

"No I fucking didn't!" I said.

"Josh you take sleeping pills for insomnia, fight? Did you take two like you should or three?" Ian said.

"Josh, you're falling too fast." The voice said and I saw her through the haze. "Josh I am so so so so so sorry. I didn't mean shit when I said that, and how much it triggered you." It was Vivii. God her green eyes pierced the dark haze creeping into my vision.

I finally mericifully passed out. I woke up in my bed, with my alternate business phone beside me. Vivii was pacing in the hallway and I saw her there.

"Hey Josh, you didn't take too man-"

"Shit? I had a panic attack again and tried to kill myself?!" The funny part is I never remember what I did. "Vivii.."8 remembered what she said and looked at her shocked.

"Well, I'm just saying that you were able to stay here. You were checked over and we didn't take you to the hospital. Turns out it was a combination of the hot water you out in the sink and the humidity." Vivii said.