Anastasia

Derailed

"There was a certain grace in the way she walked. Her steps not quite even, from the old dance injury. Still, she glided across the ground effortlessly, no hesitation. And then she would stumble." he chuckled under his breath "She would catch a toe on a curb, bump a shoulder into a door frame. But even those movements still retained a certain elegance and bearing. She made falling look good." he sighed and shuffled in his seat, he was starting to get worked up by being here. He had been stuck in the seat with no breaks for over two hours now.

"Do you think that is what made her take on her roles so easily?" the interviewer asked looking up from her piece of paper.

"I mean yeah, she was amazing at her job. She has two Oscars I mean that's gotta count for something." he chuckled again, reminiscing about the times which he had celebrated with her after her winning an award.

1991 Oscars afterparty

She couldn't get up and socialize. She found herself stuck in her uncomfortable bar stool in the midst of 100 famous names that all seemed to be enjoying themselves and mingling. She couldn't manage to get up.

"Hey, you okay?" she turned around to see Winona's sympathetic smile and her hand on her shoulder.

Ana lit up a cigarette and sighed "Yeah, Im good" she managed to smile back and leaned back on her chair.

"Its okay you know, I can only imagine how it feels." she chuckled "It would probably take me a good month to take in the fact that I won an Oscar." she laughed lighting a cigarette of her own and sitting in front of Ana.

"Yeah," Ana laughed, "Its all a bit too much at the moment, and I thought the golden globes were bad."

They were both laughing, finding comfort in each other's awkwardness.  They had been good friends for a while now and they both considered each other not only close industry friends but good personal friends now. It was good to have someone your age that was going through the same things, it comforted Ana knowing that she wasn't alone and that there was someone out there that would get her.

They were both engulfed in a loud laughter as she felt Slash's hands on her back, "You good?" he smiled down at her.

"Yeah," she laughed "We were just talking about how ridiculous all this shit is. A fucking Oscar..shit what the fuck am I supposed to do with it? Make it a paperweight?" she lifted her award up and turned it upside down.

" I say pawn it.Its fucked up how some people can only feel justified by being given a statue of a naked dude." Winona suggested putting out her cigarette and causing everyone to laugh.

"I mean yeah, like my whole life I thought that I would only feel content if I got this, and now it's just like, okay, its great and all, but is that all that I'm going to be associated with now?"

"Well, yeah you deserved it, and obviously everyone in this room thinks the same," Slash said wrapping his arms around her and kissing her head.

"Just enjoy it and show off for a bit and then if anyone pisses you off you can use it to knock'em out."

"Maybe the paperweight idea is better Winnie, but thanks" Ana chuckled and got up from her seat. "I'm going to the bathroom I'll be back." she kissed Slash and made her way.

She opened the large doors of the individual bathroom and quickly unclutched her purse to take out the only thing that would lighten up her mood. She put some of the white powder on her pinky and quickly took a hit.

She loved everything that was happening in her life at the moment and she finally felt as if she were something, but being surrounded by a bunch of people that only cared for her only to get out personal gain and not because they actually supported her made her feel sick and claustrophobic in her own skin.

After three hits she finally felt it kick in and quickly washed hands and lit up a cigarette.

--

A:"She was near an overdose that night and I think after that things just kind of derailed for her mentally. She would never show us or tell anyone, of course not, but she was constantly stressed out after that day."

Q:"Why do you think that is?"

A: "I think there was more pressure on her now that she had reached that kind of peak, and she felt like she had no space or time to screw up. She would always tell me how people didn't really care for her like they used to, that they only cared about what she could do for them, or what they could get from her. You would think that after achieving that level of success that you would be treated amazingly and have everyone appreciate you," he stopped to let out a deep sigh and wished that he could've spotted the problem before it even turned into a problem. In his head, he was still a bit mad at her for not telling him, out of all people, how she was feeling.

"But no, people would constantly stress her out and it would drive her insane, which led to her cutting a lot of strings with people. I think that got to her and at the end, she just felt like she was not needed, only her career was. Some people are so used to being treated like shit or feeling unappreciated that they have no idea how to be happy and feel wanted. She totally forgot, I feel, how it felt like to be seen as a person, and not just as an entity."

Q: "So in a way, she felt like she was being disenfranchised and sold between people in the industry?"

A: "Yeah, basically. They made her hate the one thing she thrived in. The people that were "in charge" of her, made her feel like shit, and no matter how much she tried to pry herself away from that they would find a way to rail her back in somehow without even getting her opinion or consent."

Q:"How is that?"

A: "She didn't know how to say no to a lot of people. She knew that a lot of people's jobs depended on her job and that if she did something wrong, said something wrong, and didn't compensate, she would be interfering with other peoples lively hood. She was a people pleaser and she knew and she hated herself for that, but that was just her, she had to always put herself last."