Anastasia

Regret

To make it extra emo, lol, listen to the song above while reading :D

1991

I've had my heart shatter every month for 5 years in just two minutes on the bathroom sink. perhaps i was destined to conceive bitterness, carry rage, birth poetry, and raise this world instead of a child.

I used to imagine us growing old together. Isn't that funny? It sounds silly now that I say it out loud, and I suppose it is. It seems I'm always holding onto the things I've just lost. I've never been too good at loving, but I've never been one to let go either.

Why did you fall for him?'
I've never been able to answer this question and I wonder if I ever will be. The only thing I know is that I spent years not knowing him and one day he just was there.
I still remember him, just sitting there on a wooden picnic table, I still remember him looking up at me, I still remember the look in his eyes, I still remember the feeling I had. Both were pure, clean because nothing had happened yet.
There we were on that chilly spring morning, not yet knowing how we would change each other's lives.

'Why do you still love him?'
How will I ever be able to answer? I just do. He's such a big part of my life, I can't imagine it without him. No, there hasn't been an easy moment ever since I met him and yes, at times it hurts, a lot.
But I guess I just live for him, for the signature grins I get from him, for the way he calls my name, for the sparkle in his eyes when I make him laugh. For the way he can still make me stutter after 5 years and for the princess-like feeling he can give me.

I know everyone tells me to let him go. And I get why. Perhaps I could let him go if I only met him a few years ago, but he has marked too many memories, predominated too many years. He's the only thing in my life that never changes.

-

2017

"So many warnings, so many signs, I had seen it coming and still... Still it took me by surprise, shook my very core, swept all the foundation from under my feet." Slash sighed as he kept reading the journal with Duff.

"You don't notice a lot of things while your doing them. You're not a shitty person." Duff put down the journal while Slash got up to pace around. He saw a little ripped piece of paper fall out of the journal as he was putting it down and bent over to pick it up. It didn't look like belonged to the paper, it had been ripped off from something else, maybe one of the letters she wrote? He was just about to tell Slash when he read what it said;

I know that most of my writings will picture you as the bad guy, the one who broke me. And that is partly true, you did break me. But real life is a little more complex than my writings will tell. You weren't bad and I wasn't good. Oh, I know, I like to think that you ruined my happily ever after. You did. But in the end I was the one who let you down, I walked away while you were still fighting for us. I just want to say sorry for that.

Duff swallowed the sentence he was about to spit out and fell silent, empathizing with Ana for a minute. He thought to himself how, as both of their friend, he could've stopped Slash from doing what he was to Ana. The cheating, the drugs, the accusations, the fights, the threats...but there was no reason for him to ponder over than after 20 years so he stood up and gave the ripped piece of paper to his friend. 

"This fell out of the journal, I don't know where its from." 

Slash eyed the ripped paper and slowly took it in his hand to read and quickly crumpled it up, "Why? Why after 20 years this is happening? Couldn't this have happened sooner?" he threw the crumpled piece of paper to a random corner of the room.