LGBT and me

Friends

So this isn't lgbt related, but I just would like to say something I guess....

So I literally have like no friends, I guess you could say I have one but I don't think that really counts as a friend if it's the person I'm also more than friends with..... But other than him I have zero friends, I don't talk to anyone but him, and idk I just think about stuff like that sometimes.

But currently I've been thinking how that happened... Cause like I've had friends before, but like where'd they go?

Like I was thinking about friends that I've had in the past, like I was friends with this one girl....
So like does this ever happen to you, you think about a friendship you had a while ago, and you think about it and you miss it, but.... You think about why you're not friends with them anymore and realize they've changed and they're not the same person they used to be so you can never get that back? Even if you walked up to them after all these years and became friends again.... It'd never be the same....

But aside from that, like what did I do to make all these people see me as replaceable? And disposable? What did I do to make these people leave? What did I do to push them away?

This year I really messed up, I get that, I messed up with any friends that I might've had. At the beginning of this year I had more friends then I've ever had, and I fucked it up.... I lost every friend I made this year, well except the one that I mentioned above that's both more than a friend and my best friend....

But I get it I push people away, and I have a lot of trouble talking to people, social anxiety makes it difficult, you want so badly to talk to someone, but social anxiety makes it so you feel like you're bothering them, or it makes it so you have no clue what you would say to someone..... But I could've tried more.... But before I knew it they all didn't like me anymore.... They weren't talking to me, and I couldn't fix it.... And I'm ok without them I just don't understand how that Happened, I kinda miss them.... Why do I fuck up any relationship I have with people...

I guess I'm used to being alone, I'm not used to needing anyone, to talking to people, I've never been popular and I've never had more than one friend (one time I had two friends at once but that ended badly) at a time, so I guess I'm not used to having to talk to multiple people and keep friendships up with multiple people.....

I don't think people know how hard it is. This whole year has been completely new for me, Ive never experienced anything like this year, and it's overwhelming and difficult. but I try to keep up and don't get too stressed, I've slipped up a couple times on that, but I'm trying and there's one thing that helps a lot...

Having one person by your side, who makes everything easier, when they're around it makes everything easier, and you don't want them to ever leave, and when they aren't around you just feel empty and sad.... But it helps to know they're there and when they're around you everything's ok.

I'm not saying I want those past friendships back because even if I did get back in touch with some people, it would never be the same and..... Maybe it's better to have the old good memories then ruin them by trying again and it disappointing you.... So I guess me and those people will always have the memories but.... Never again will we be anything more than strangers........

Sorry this was long and probably confusing..... I just wanted to write it down and maybe someone else is feeling the same way......

Questions???? Comments????

~Hallie