Arizona
It's been a week since I left Eliza. I've been ignoring her calls, texts and pages at work, always sending someone else just incase it is to do with work. Sofia wants to know where she is and i don't know how to tell her.
A knock on my office door pulls me out of my thoughts and I tell them to come in, regretting it when Eliza steps in.
"Eliza I can't-"
"Stop. You said what you needed to say. Now it's my turn. You've ignored me for a week so now you're going to listen" She shuts the door behind her and watches me. "I never meant to put you through this. And I hate that I did. July is a bad month for me. You shouldn't have had to go through that. And I'm truly sorry that you did. I'm not ready to do it again. It killed me when George died and every year, I let it consume me around his birthday. I don't eat or sleep properly for the entire month of July"
"Eliza stop. Just stop!" She sighs and moves closer to me as I stand up.
"I never wanted to hurt you. I love you"
"You love the idea of Love. A relationship isn't just about one person. It's about everyone that is affected by the outcome. You didn't think of me at all. It was all about you! Sofia did not need another loss. Let alone 2. She had already lost her dad, her grandparents refused to acknowledge her and then she watched her moms' marriage crumble. Now she's lost you and that baby. She was so excited Eliza, you knew she was. All she's ever wanted was a sibling and me and Callie can't give her that. She slammed the door in my face when I told her the other day. She's barely said 3 words to me since"
"I didn't plan this"
"You could have came to me! No, you should have came to me!"
"I'm sorry, I really am"
"I know you are. But that doesn't change any of this. Sorry doesn't fix this. You know the baby dying is what ended my marriage"
"And you're letting it end us"
"Old habits die hard" She moves closer to me again and I sigh.
"Arizona please" She cups my cheek as I fight back tears for the umpteenth time "Please" She whispers, her thumb stroking the swell of my cheek. "Let me make it up to you"
"It's to late" I choke out. She shakes her head.
"No. Because you love me. And I love you"
"It's not that simple. I love you so much it hurts but I can't. Because every time I look at you I see you back on that table where I was made to choose between you and the baby. I had to choose who died. Do you know what that's like? It's horrible. No one should decide that. No one. But you put me there. You did that and now I can't look at you. So it's done Eliza" Her hand leaves my cheek and I fall back into my desk chair.
"Why did you choose me then?"
"Because you had practically already killed it. It had a slim survival rate anyways and if it did somehow survive it would have been in pain it's whole life. Because of you. So can you just please leave me alone. I have work to do, you need to go" I know it's harsh and unfair but I'm so angry.
She doesn't say anything and doesn't move from her spot so after a few minutes I turn to face her again, standing up. I pull her into my arms and she breaks down instantly.
"I didn't mean it"
"Yea you did" She says through sobs as she holds me tightly. "I screwed up. Big time. I know that. I hate myself for that. I am so sorry"
"I know you are. We both need some time to think. So take some alone time Eliza" She lifts her head and I kiss her. I didn't plan it and it's not fair to either of us yet we both pull each other closer, our lips locked together.
I move my arm under hers and wrap my arm around her as she cups my face. I'm pushed up against my desk and I move so I'm seated on it as Eliza breaks the kiss. I pull her back in for another kiss and she pulls back again
"I don't do break up sex. Especially since I don't want us to be over. Break up sex means it's really over and it's not over until pigs fly. Not for me anyways"
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"Mama look! We made pigs fly" Sofia squeals running to show me her pigs and I look up at Eliza, a sad smirk playing on my lips
"Doesn't count"
"Eliza!" Sofia shouts, jumping at Eliza "I miss you"
"I miss you too Sof"
"Mama said-"
"Sof" I interrupt her, shaking my head.
"Sorry. Are you still moving in?" Eliza looks up at me and I sigh.
"Sofia, go get ready for bed please"
"Are you?"
"Go!" Eliza puts Sofia down and Sofia glares at me "Sofia I swear to god"
"I hate you" She storms off and I watch her go.
"She doesn't mean it"
"She does. She blames me for us. And she's right too. It is my fault"
"No it's not. It's mine. She just doesn't understand. And you should try explain it"
"I don't know what to tell her! She loves you Eliza. I'm not breaking her heart"
"She's going to figure it out Arizona. She'll know why I stop coming over for sleep overs and it'll hurt her more"
"Eliza. I will tell her when I know myself"
"I should go. I love you" She kisses my head. "And I'm sorry"
"Please stop apologizing"
"Sor- OK" I shake my head at her.
"Maybe I was a little hasty"
"Arizona, I'm not giving up on you so take as long as you need because we are not over"
"Oh hey Arizona"
"Hi Sydney, how was she?" I ask Sofia's baby sitter as I give her her money for tonight.
"She was good. Thanks. She ate all of her dinner"
"Cool thank you" She smiles and leaves quickly as I turn to Eliza, sighing. "I'm just so confused and angry"
"I know. So I will give you some space to sort your head out. Call me when you are ready"
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I've been so slack at updating lately, I've just started a course so I've been super busy and just keep forgetting to publish more chapters, I'll try do better!
Enjoy xo
_McDimples_ xo
