Beneath Your Beautiful (H.S. AU)

Chapter 8

When I got home and stepped into the apartment, I felt a headache as my mind was filled with different emotions and the fact that I had been crying quite a lot tonight. To be honest, I just wanted to go to sleep because this night had been long and too much had happened, but I simply couldn't. Every time, I tried to think of something else my mind would always wander to that same thing - that same someone and I had no idea as to why. It was like no matter how mean he was to me, I still found him intriguing and part of me just wanted to know more about him. It was almost as if I needed to know even if I knew how messed up that sounded. Why Harry had helped me tonight I didn't know, but I guess he wasn't as heartless as I had thought at one point.

With my heels in my hand I walked to the kitchen and tossed them in the trashcan. It was like a symbol - a symbol of something I couldn't quite put together. Something had changed tonight between Harry and I. I just didn't know what. Tonight, I had seen a glimpse of the same Harry I had met about a week ago and for some reason I was already thinking of the next time I would see him again - the next time I would see that part of him, but I was afraid that wouldn't happen anytime soon, and I was confused to why he kept changing around me. If only he would continue being an asshole towards me so I could leave him alone. But apparently he couldn't figure that out and just as I wanted to forget about him, he had to do something nice. Why did he have to be so damn confusing?

I grabbed two painkillers for my head. I really needed to relax and go to bed. But my hurting head wasn't helping so I swallowed the pills and walked back to the bedroom. Having taken antidepressant medicine as a child, I didn't need any water with them. Everything does have its perks I thought and shook my head. Who was I kidding? The pills had been nothing but a disadvantage to me, and I remembered one time at summer camp where the other children teased me for it. I wasn't normal according to them, and though I had never seen that as a problem before it suddenly became one and I tried my hardest to fit in. Niall and my grandma luckily helped me through it and I swore to myself never to let them change me again. I didn't want to fit in under their rules or their standards, but living in this world it unfortunately wasn't that easy especially not for girls. If you sleep with a lot of guys you are a slut. If you don't, you are a prude. You are either too tall or too short, too skinny or too fat. You are either a geek or simply just stupid. You can't win with society, and though it shouldn't bother me or anyone else I think every girl can't help but let it to some extent. I grabbed an oversized t-shirt from my drawer to sleep in and crawled up in my bed trying to sleep, but I couldn't. Hundred of things were flying through my mind making it impossible. I had to admit though there was one good thing about it; my mind was for once not haunted by the death of my parents nor my grandma. I didn't know at what time, but at one point I fell asleep and for the first time I was dreaming of those illuminating green eyes which I would prefer everyday over my nightmares.

That Saturday morning I decided to go to the cemetery. I hadn't visited my parents' nor my grandma's grave for a long time and I could really use some clarity. If only they could give me that, but even though I couldn't see them, I believed they listened. I kneeled down in front of my grandma's headstone, contemplating my words. "Hey grams. You probably know already, but I have started university which is really exciting actually." I spoke, though that was actually a lie. I didn't like going to school. I mean I liked learning, but the fact that High School seemed to be repeating itself was not on my list of favorite things. I let out a deep sigh and continued. "However I miss you - a lot. And sometimes I still can't believe that I'm not going to see you again. The past four months have been some of the longest of my life because you aren't here with me anymore, and I just miss you all the time. It feels likes it's been forever since I've last seen you. I wish I could see you again," I said, as I sat down on the cold ground. I felt a shiver run down my spine. "I'm doing okay if you were wondering, but as I said I miss you. Sometimes I also miss mom and dad, but it's not as often as it used to be as the memory of them is slowly beginning to fade," I spoke softly and wiped away a tear.
"I know I shouldn't be crying now, but I can't help it. What kind of daughter am I for forgetting my own parents? I can barely draw out their faces anymore, and I don't remember their voices. It saddens me to think that with time, they will be truly forgotten. I remember less and less every day and even when I get children of my own I'll barely be able to tell them anything about them since I don't remember myself." More tears fell from my eyes, and I let them without caring. "Does that make me a bad daughter? I bit the inside of my left cheek and took another breath to get myself together. "The reason I came though isn't to talk about you or mom and dad for that matter. No, I came because I needed to talk to you about a boy as I know you'd always be there to listen. Niall and I aren't together anymore if you didn't know. And though I miss him, I know it's for the best. However there is a guy at uni. I don't know why I'm attracted to him as he has been a jerk to me quite a lot, but at the same time he has been this really nice guy. I wish I knew why he keeps changing his demeanor, but I don't. But for some reason it's like I need to know. Something about him makes me yearn to know more about him and I almost feel like he needs me. Is that wrong?" I asked, fiddling with my fingers almost as if I was awaiting an answer I would never get. "Part of me though keeps telling me I should stay the hell away from him as he seems to only bring trouble, but I just can't and I don't know why. Why does boys have to be so damn complicated?" I asked.

I should just stay away from him and make him deal with his crap himself. He wasn't a nice guy and he wouldn't bring any good to my life. I had tried it before and all it did was leave me hurt, but part of me couldn't stay away from him. Something went deeper in him, and there was a reason for his actions I just wish I knew what it was. "I love you, grams." I got up from the ground and noticed the green eyed boy sitting by a bench. I huffed thinking it was just my imagination playing with me, but as I got closer I realized it wasn't and I thought maybe it was my grandma's way of answering my questions. As I approached him my heartbeat increased and my feet felt heavy, but no matter how much my mind was telling me to stay away I didn't.

"Hi," I said and bit my bottom lip. I was really curious to know what he was doing here.

Harry didn't look up, and I wondered if he had even noticed my presence or simply didn't care. I hoped for the former, always trying to find the best in him. "Look, thank you for last night. I really appreciated you paying for my taxi," I said and sat down next to him, unsure of his reaction. He buried his head in his hands. Clearly something was bothering him. I looked around a bit uncomfortable and hesitated about placing a hand on his back, but did it anyway. "You okay?" I spoke softly, and I felt his body flinch by my touch.

"Don't you have any boundaries?" He screamed and stood up to look down at me. "Don't fucking touch me!" He exclaimed, and I gulped. "What are you doing here anyway?" He exclaimed and found a box of cigarettes and a lighter from the pocket of his jacket.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said, not wanting to face him. He didn't scare me, but the way he talked to me was quite hurtful I had to admit.

He huffed, and I felt the smoke from the cigarette fill my nostrils. It grossed me out. I hated smoke. My granddad had died of lunge cancer before I was even born and watching anyone wanting to destroy their life like that saddened me so without thinking I grabbed the cigarette from Harry's mouth, threw it on the ground and turned it out with my shoe.

"What the hell! What the fuck is your problem?" Harry yelled,but I didn't care. I wasn't watching him while he slowly killed himself.

"You shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you," I told him, and he narrowed his eyes at me like I was from a different species.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't. Just forget it," I said and walked away, but he grabbed my wrist taking me by surprise. I looked at his hand and then up to meet his eyes unsure of what he wanted, and the boy who stared back at me didn't look like this tough person he acted out to be. He looked scared and alone and once again I found myself wanting to help him.

He let go of my hand. "Stay away from me, okay! I don't need you in my life. You are only trying to lecture me about what's right and wrong so you can feel better about yourself. But you aren't better than me, and you never will be, you get that!" He screamed in my face, and I felt the tears threatening to fall once again.

"Fine!" I screamed using the last bit of energy I had left. "But that goes for you too! I don't need you either. I thought I made that clear last night," I spat back and watched as blood ran from his right nostril.

"But, baby you do." he mocked. "Clearly you don't have money, and the job you have pays you crap. I on the other hand do, but I'm not going to waste any more on you," he laughed, and I felt the tears fall down my cheeks and his eyes softened.

I wiped away my tears in embarrassment. I wanted to slap him, but I didn't have the courage and I didn't want to add more fuel to his fire. "Fine! I don't care. I don't need you or anyone for that matter." I whispered, losing my voice. "By the way you might want to clean your face!" I added referring to the nosebleed coming from his nostril and sprinted away not looking back. The tears kept falling. Why was he such a jerk? I hated him. I really hated him, yet there I was feeling worried about him once again. His nose had been bleeding and though that occurred occasionally to some people my mind told me that wasn't the reason. I knew people who did drugs would often get nosebleeds. I had watched it on TV, and I wasn't dumb enough to think that catching Harry with cocaine last night was his only time.