We're All Just Fucked

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(Pete's POV)

So I fucked up.

I was always fucking up.

I was just a walking fuck up.

I couldn't seem to stop myself from making bad decisions. Why did I keep doing shit that I know I shouldn't do? It was like I was trying to subconsciously sabotage any chances me and Patrick had of staying happy.

I was on the dirt road to self destruction and I was driving ninety miles per hour. I wanted to stop. I wanted to slam the breaks and get out of the car. Or at least turn the car around and speed off the other way. Race back towards happiness with the man I loved. But I couldn't. Because that's not how fuck ups operated.

At this point it didn't even feel like I was the one driving. Of course I was alone in the car of this emotional ruination. That didn't mean I was in charge of anything going on. I was taking a back seat in all of this. So in summary, I was in the car on the road of self destruction, I could see myself going too quickly down the road, but I was in the back seat. Sure, maybe I could lean up and grab that steering wheel. Maybe I could change how this was going. But I didn't. It was almost like the demolition of my own happiness was an out of body experience.

Was any of this making any fucking sense?

I AM A FUCK UP! OKAY?

That's what I started with and that's where I'm still at right now. Still making choices that went against my better judgement.

I needed to understand why I was doing this. I needed to talk to somebody who I knew would tell me the absolute truth. Someone who wouldn't let their bias get in the way. I needed a therapist. But I didn't have one of those on call so Tyler would have to do. He would help me understand why I was doing what I was doing. I needed to understand myself before I went after Patrick. Or I'd just end up fucking us up even more.

That was my excuse for why I didn't chase after him in the diner when I knew he was upset. Why I didn't ask Ryan to leave and have lunch with my boyfriend instead. Why I didn't call or text him to see if we were still okay. Why I was sitting alone in this hotel room instead of trying to make up with the man I loved. He needed time to cool off and I needed time to understand.

See what I meant when I said ruination?

That excuse sounded like bullshit, even to me. But I couldn't make myself get up and apologize. So I was going to sit here and wait for my make shift doctor to come home. . . Well to the hotel.

A glance at the clock between our beds made me worry. It was almost 7:00pm. Well it was 6:49pm to be exact. And Tyler wasn't here. He hasn't called or texted me. He wasn't answering any of my calls or texts. What in the actual fuck could he be doing? Where was he?

After another hour of waiting I gave up on him even coming back. Tyler was petty enough to rent another room in this same hotel just to avoid seeing me. If he didn't care enough to come back and make sure I was fine, then to hell with him. We'd had one little fight and now he was just going to go ghost on me? That showed what kind of friend he was to begin with. Fuck him.

There I was again.

On the road to self destruction.

Trying to now drive a wall between Tyler and I. I knew that was bogus just as I knew everything else I'd been thinking all night was bogus. Tyler was the best friend anyone could ask for. He was reserved enough to not force his opinion on you. But caring enough to speak out when you were doing something you shouldn't. Even if I didn't agree with him, I had to admit that he usually meant well.

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