Planted

Chapter 26 Single again

Sitting alone in Little India, drinking ginger tea and watching people rush by, brought a sense of serenity I could not find at home. The fragrance of Jasmine flowers, Indian spices cooking and incense filled my lungs as I moped.

Dad was out with Jan and Logan at the Home. Alone in the house, everywhere I looked were DIY projects created by Tommy. In a couple of weeks, TUF would be moving to the shophouse above Bea's toyshop in Chinatown, in the meantime I needed distractions. I needed to throw myself into more work. I needed to restart driving lessons. I needed a Teh Halia-- a special Indian ginger tea that heals me from the inside out.

The buses roared pass Komala Vilas. Around me, I could hear Tamil, Gujarati, Hindi, Punjabi, Malayali and other Indian dialects spoken. In the background, the song Tum Hi Ho played on the radio. It's sentiment was a stark contrast to how I was feeling right then.

Yesterday, a fragile cord holding my life together snapped when my friend, Aishah got married. It was a glorious day and she was a stunning Malay bride beaming from ear to ear at the enthronement or bersanding. There she was--face perfectly done up; hands decorated with henna, a tudung and a gold crown on her head--nodding gracefully at everyone. Has it been two years since we first met at the Central library? She was the friendly-neighbourhood librarian and we bonded over chatting about books in the library cafe. Her groom, her colleague, walked confidently into her home with his procession of friends, relatives, musicians and palm blossoms in tow. On the dais, they were the king and queen for the day, sprinkled with yellow rice and scented water to symbolise blessings. I laughed with her family, watched silat and sang Malay songs. When I got home past midnight, I looked at the bunga telur, or flower egg and thought of all our silly egg jokes and wept. I hadn't even cried at mom's funeral.

I toyed with the electronic diary in my hands and scrolled down to see the back to back appointments I had over the coming months across five different countries. Penciled in as a treat, I planned to visit the largest wooden structure in the world in Woolloomooloo and take part in the world toe wrestling championship in Ashbourne.

I loved being single, free-spirited and unencumbered. Staying single, I could have multiple romances going at the same time. A fat lot of good that would do me, of course. Out of four proposals I guess I did okay. I gained a stepbrother, a good friend, an evil foe and a bucket full of tears. Not that the crying had anything to do with Tommy. It was a cumulation of sleepless nights and early mornings, that's all. Didn't one of Tommy's random facts say, "Go without sleep for ten days and you die. Starvation takes a few weeks"? Truth can be stranger than fiction. Drats! He crept into my thought life as imperceptibly as he snuck into my home.

I looked at the set of documents I had to read before my next meeting and felt bored. I picked up my book and read aloud,

"'My lord,' said Gawain, lifting the belt,

'This band and the nick on my neck are one

And the same, the blame and the loss I suffered

For the cowardice, the greed, that came to my soul.

This sign of bad faith is the mark of my sin:

I'll wear it on my waist as long as I live,

For a man may hide an injury to his soul,

But he'll never be rid of it, it's fastened forever.'

Why is it I could read this over and over again and not tire of it and yet, furniture bored me to tears? Objectively, TUF was heading into exciting new ventures. We were supplying environmentally-friendly furniture to Old Age Homes and developing our own collapsible Vintage designed furniture. But, more often than not I was gritting my teeth, just to get the job done. I could persevere even without passion.

I remember how Jan told me the story of how Tommy designed the balcony in their apartment at seventeen. All his sisters laughed at him but he stubbornly persevered. He went to an aunt, Jan's sister, who was an interior designer and got help so that his ideas could become reality.

He paid for everything himself by quietly taking on a part time job after school. He's the sort that would throw himself at things with all his might and persevere all the way. I was built with the same mould. Together, we could triumph over life and all its uncertainties. But did I want to spend my life with him? Have his children? Was that option even still open? I missed him terribly but was it love? Did I really want to just remain single and date him as an optional extra? Or, was Logan right? Did I have a problem with all men? Urgh! I hate this. It's so unsettling, so messed up.

I gulped down the last bits of tea in my cup and decided brooding wasn't the solution, I needed take up something new, a religion or anything absorbing.

Decisively, I whispered to Tommy's God as I left Komala Vilas, "Dear God, You flung stars into space and yet, know the number of hairs on my head. I give up. I don't know what to do. If you're listening, please help work this out. I give up my need for control and trust you, the way I can't trust myself."

I stepped out on the busy road and Bam! Something hit me. I fell to the ground. Time slowed down, as I speed dialled Tommy.

"Help. In Little India. Hit by..." I said weakly and my world turned completely black.

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I love the haunting melody of "Tum Hi Ho" by Arijit Singh which sets the mood for this chapter. If you are curious about what it says, here's the English version. Next week brings the last chapters of Planted, until then.... may the tune reverberate in your heart as it did mine when I heard it. :)