An Abundance of White Blood Cells // [WATTYS 2017]

TWELVE

Above is more Sloane

I sat in Dr. Welsh's office, waiting for her to return wit the test results. I sat on the medical bed with puff eyes. I felt deflated, like all my energy was just and idea floating around. After I'd sorta scared the shit out Nate with my little freak out he'd pounded on my front door until my parents answered. I wasn't really all there, all I could focus on was the possibility that my cancer could be back.

It was basically a fifty percent chance that it was just a nose bleed.

Or I was dying again.

When my parents answered the door the imeadietly answered loaded me into the slug bug along with Nate, who had no idea what the hell was happening. On the way to Dr. Welsh's office Mom had been cleaning my face off with some tissues, eventually it stopped. When we got to the office I snapped out of whatever was holding me and we went in to see Dr. Welsh.

She took my blood and did a few other tests. According to her the results wouldn't be in until around one in the morning. She told us we could wait if we wanted, but it would be better if we went home and slept. God knows I wasn't going to sleep. So Dr. Welsh let us stay in her check up room. It was currently elven o'clock at night, and I was shocked that Nate was still here.

All I could do was stare at the ceiling. Making eye contact wasn't really an option. My parents were sitting down next to Nate, who was staring at me. I knew he had so many questions and knew I should be answering them. He deserved to know. But I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. My eyes made a lazy trail around the room that I'd seen so many times. Everything was the same, there was a sink with containers of doctor stuff, and cabinets above the sink. There were two waiting chairs and one doctor chair. The room was mostly grey with a few posters about anatomy.

Finally, when I'd done a full circle of the room, my eyes landed on Nate. His expression was blank, probably very similar to what mine looked like. He was slouched in his chair and he was rubbing his thumb against his palm. I swallowed whatever it was that was stopping me from talking to Nate and I asked my parents if I could talk to Nate alone.

"Sure honey, we'll go find some food." Mom nodded, taking Dad's hand and leading him out of the room.

When the door shut behind them I straitened my posture and took a deep breath. "So...I have leukemia."

It broke my heart to see Nate's expression change from blank to hopelessness. His mouth fell open a little as his eyes welled up. When he didn't say anything, I continued. "I got diagnosed when I was seven, and two years ago it cleared up, that's why I didn't tell you right away, I was gonna tell you tonight...I should of told you sooner. I'm sorry."

Nate leaning forward and cradled his head in his hands. "That can't be the only reason you didn't tell me."

I shook my head. Tears began to well up in my own eyes. "No," My voice shook. "No, I thought...I thought you'd leave, if you knew, I mean...that's what people do, right? Leave when things fucked up."

He brought his chair closer so he was sitting directly in front of me and took my hand. "Sloane, I'd never leave you."

I laughed. "You don't know that, I've had a life time of people leaving me to know better." I started to dive in on all the experiences I'd had in the past of people leaving me. When I got to Carter, I started crying really hard, I was imagining Nate doing the same thing. I told that story in more detail than I ever had before. Maybe, subconsciously, I was trying to give Nate ideas. When I finished telling my story, Nate got up and walked over to a wall, I had no idea what he was doing. He shook his head once and then walked back over to me.

"Do you think that low of me?" He asked.

"What?" My eyebrows scrunched together.

"Do you really think that I would leave you?" Nate placed both his hands on my thighs and looked me straight in the eye. I just shrugged, wiping a few tears away. "I'm not leaving you." He shook his head.

"Nate, that's what they all say, and slowly, but very surely, they leave. It's they do." I yelled. At this point we were both yelling.

"I'm not them, am I?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "You are impossible!" I said throwing my arms in the air and standing up. "Nate, I'm giving you and out! I'm not expecting you to stick around! Why would you ever want to be with a dying girl?" My voice cracked on the word dying.

"Sloane, everyone's dying. We start dying when we're born for god's sake! My mom's dying, my dad's dying! I'm dying! It's the way of life. If people just stopped being together because they were dying, then no one would be happy. I'm not gonna leave you to save myself the heartbreak, because either way I would be!" Nate paused for a moment and softened his tone . "Just because your expiration date is closer and more obvious, doesn't mean I'm gonna leave you."

My lip started to quiver. "Are you sure?"

His smile formed on his face. "I'm positive."

Nate stepped forward and wrapped in a hug. I started crying, but they were happy tears. I laughed a little as I wrapped my arms around his middle. I felt him kiss my hair and rest his chin on my head. We stood there for a moment and just hugged each other. I think we both needed reassurance from each other. Eventually We let go when we heard a knock at the door. It was my parents. I smiled at their curtesy of not wanting to interrupt. Just as I sat down I glanced at the clock.

Midnight.

***

As one o'clock in the morning rolled around, everyone was sitting on the edge of their chairs. Dad was rubbing moms back and Nate had joined me on the medical bed. I laid my head on his should as 1:05 came around. I bounced my feet impatiently as I waited. Finally, when it was one fifteen, Dr. Welsh made her appearance. She came in the room holding a clipboard. I reached over and grabbed Nate's hand, squeezing hit harder than I probably should.

"Sloane, your results are back, and I'm straight with you." Dr. Welsh began. "Your cancer is back, It's I little worse than when you last had it, and I believe that you need a different treatment than we were having you do before.' Dr. Welsh took a step closer to me, so she was standing in front of me, and continued. "There's a new trial treatment that's been working for a few patient's of mine, we're not so confidant that it will work for everyone..." Dr. Welsh pause, glancing at my parents.

I decided to finish her sentence for her. "Trial treatments for the people who's odds are most likely not in their favor...right?" I looked the faces in the room. My parent's faces were blank, along with Nate's. Dr. Welsh was nodding, giving me a sad smile. "I'll do the treatment." I said. As I said that a realized something. I'd told Nate that I wasn't interesting, but that was because. I'd never done anything. I'd been so focused on the fact that I was dying, that I'd never thought to live.

"I'll do the treatment on one condition." I restated. My parent's faces, along with Dr. Welsh's and Nate's, scrunched up

"And what is your condition?" Dr. Welsh asked.

"Give me a week to live," I said. "Give me a week to live, and do things that I should have been doing for the past two years." I tried to give Dr. Welsh my most pleading look.

She thought for a moment. "I would approve of it, but it's gonna be up to your parents." She said, looking at my parents.

I did as well. They were looking into each other's eyes. I imagined them thinking about the conversation that I'd overheard between Dad and Gramma. They excused themselves for a few minutes, to talk most likely. I introduced Dr. Welsh to Nate while we waited. Dr. Welsh decided to explain my type of cancer to Nate, so he was up to speed with my parents. They came back about ten minutes later. Mom walked over to me and placed her hands on my cheeks.

"We're okay with it." She said, smiling.

Dad didn't seem to be okay with it, but Mom must of said something to him that would have made him agree. I hugged my parents in turn before turning to Dr. Welsh. She was scribbling on her note pad before she looked up. "Alright, I'll give you until next Saturday before you have to start treatment." She said.

I didn't understand what I was feeling, but I knew I was going to live, like I should have.