THE THIRD P3RSON

•Chapter 32•

I walked hand and hand with Ryan around North Gale. A few cars passed by us as we walked in silence and I tried to figure out how to word my questions the right way. Every time I thought I had come up with a conversation that wouldn't result in another mental breakdown, something else popped up that proved otherwise. I'm really bad at this. Ryan sighed for the second time since we started walking. I knew by how his shoulder's tensed that he was thinking about the answers to my unspoken questions. I hated myself for knowing I had to ask but I hated that I didn't ask it sooner.

"Ryan, you're... not going to college when we graduate, are you?" I asked him.

Grey had acted differently. I may be someone he sees as a daughter but if Ryan did know where he was going then Grey would've announced it proudly. Who wouldn't want to show off their child's accomplishments (other than my family)? I know Grey would celebrate. Grey would pull balloons out of the clouds and confetti from newspapers he got in the mail.

"When Grey said I would talk about my options first, I knew something wasn't right." I continued.

"I'm not going to college, Julianna. Not when we graduate." Ryan moved his blonde hair to the side and smiled sheepishly at me.

My heart sank. "But, Ryan, I know you got into that photography school in New York. I know it's your decision not to go. I just know it but you should give it a try. Please. I know you can do it."

He looks out in front of us and I bite the inside of my lip. "I'm not going to go to college because I got a job in Oregon."

"Woah. Well, congratulations." My eyes scrunched together. "You're going to head straight to work?"

"The woman we met at the beach got me a job. Well, she helped me get the job." Ryan tries to stay serious but I've learned to notice the excitement he tries so hard to hide. "I sent her old boss a portfolio of my photos that I've taken since freshman year and she loved them. She says that she always wanted to train someone from the 'get-go', but I'm not really sure what that means."

I look his way. I'm conflicted. I can't stop him from making his choice because Ryan can live the life he wants because it's his. I have no say in what he does. I shouldn't tell him to do something that he will be unhappy about in the future. If Ryan learns more in Oregon than he would in college than maybe leaving Jewel Beach and Ocean City would be good for him.

"What's the job for? What would you be doing?" I ask.

"It's a double-booked type job," Ryan explains as we turn the corner of the block. "The boss is going to train me in the morning and then a co-worker of hers is going to let me have a part-time job afterwards. The guy who's going to pay me is willing to work with an amateur but he liked my portfolio too so we'll see."

"When will you start?" I ask.

I didn't want to ask if it was soon and I didn't want to ask how long he was going to stay. I didn't want to ask where he was going to stay and with who because I couldn't imagine a bright-eyed Ryan enter a state both of us were foreigners to only for him to realise that he was all alone.

"August."

"Did they give you an exact date?"

"Best part is that they said I could choose whenever I wanted too. I just have to notify them before July twenty-ninth."

"That's two months from now."

"I know."

We fall silent. I lose myself to my thoughts. Oregon. I never thought someone who grew up with the sight of the beach would move to somewhere where they had so much forest. Would Ryan be happy if he went there? Would he enjoy every picture he took? Would he skype Grey and Sophie? Would Ashley move just to keep an eye on him?

"Where would you stay?"

"Sophie's mom, Stephanie, has family from Canada that is letting me stay in their house. I've met them once or twice but they seemed to be okay with me living with them for a while."

With one question, I got two answers. He'll be living with trustworthy people. Ryan's planning to keep the job for a while. We both turn at another corner of the block and I slow down.

"Ryan, let's say I end up going to Cali Institute of the Arts. Let's say I sell a few paintings and earn myself a car. Would Sophie's relatives be okay with a visit from me every once and a while?"

Ryan gives me a side look and doesn't seem to know how to react. "Depends on the distance from the college campus to the house because I don't want the visitor to fall asleep at the wheel or drive alone."

I slow to a stop. We were halfway down the block. "Ryan, you see me driving to see you in the future, right?"

Ryan studies me for a while. He takes a few steps forward and I'm pretty sure we looked like crazy people to be walking around the block and talking about a future that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I see Ryan's answer on his face before he says anything and I hold my hand up.

He doesn't think I'll do it.

My palms face him saying "hold on". I take a deep breath. "I've wanted to know what depending on someone romantically would feel like and you've given me more than I could wish for. I never thought you would be the one to make me feel like a fangirl about a boy, and I'll explain that when I have the time, but what I'm trying to get you to understand through all my rambling is.." I rock back on my heels and take a deep breath. "I can't thank you for what you've done for me. If you don't see this lasting, I'll take it like it is and lea-"

Ryan does what Ryan does best. He leant in close and took the words right out of my mouth.

I hate that he knows a kiss from him makes my world a little less chaotic.