Giving Up

Chapter 1

Lillie walked into the bar to meet her friends, feeling extremely self-conscious. She was 5 foot 6 inches tall and, unlike her friends, she was overweight. It was hard for her to meet guys that didn't look at her like she was gross. She weighed in at 250 pounds and it made her feel like she didn't deserve the love of a man. It's not like Lillie had never been accompanied to bed by a man, it was that she couldn't find one that wanted to stick around after the sex was over. They always acted like they cared and would stick around a while, and then never call her again.

Looking up across the room, her eyes darted to where she heard a familiar laugh coming from. Kay was the life of the party. Every head turned to watch her when she walked in, and their eyes followed her throughout the night. When that girl hit the dance floor the rest of the room faded away from her and she didn't realize that she was being watched by every man in the room. Lillie crossed the bar to give her best friend a hug and ordered a drink from the male bartender that was intently watching Kay's every move. Lillie tried not to roll her eyes and tell him to wipe the drool from his chin.

As bar close neared, the girls realized that they were quite drunk. Kay laughed off every offer to dance, in fact she laughed in the face of any man that looked her way. "Lil, these guys are crazy if they think they are charming!" Lillie laughed at her as she always did but, deep down, she wished she had received half the attention her friend did. Lil went to the bar to order one more drink before they called last call. "Make it a strong one please." She smiled at the bartender. "Sure thing."

As the girls were walking out of the bar, Lillie felt a tug on her arm. When she spun around, she lost her breath. There was a man looking her in the eyes, and he was enough to melt ice on the North Pole. "Ma'am, you dropped something." He handed her the sweatshirt that she had dropped. "Thank you" She mumbled under her breath. He smiled back and said "Any time fatty."

Lillie fought back the hot tears that she felt hit her eyes. This cruel, heartless bastard didn't deserve the satisfaction. As she chose not to react to the situation, she turned back to Kay just in time to see her fist connect with the jerks face. "Listen here you no good for nothing pathetic son-of-a-bitch, just because you think you walk on water doesn't mean that you really are a god. You may have good looks, but my friend here has a life and a heart. Two things you will never have. If I ever catch you talking to a woman like that again, I'll gladly feed you your balls for breakfast!" The man wiped the blood from his nose and turned to walk away. Lillie smiled at Kay as if to say a silent "I love you."

"Don't let it get to you Lillie, that guy's a jerk." The two of them began walking, but Lillie let herself lag behind to be alone with the thoughts that were running through her head. She tried so hard to be as confident as her friend was, but it was a lot harder than she ever imagined it could be. Every time they went out together, she felt so out of place. Kay was her best friend, but even she didn't understand how hard it was for Lillie to be around her sometimes. Men always ogled her, and Lillie was tired of always watching Kay get attention, while she was always ignored. Kay acted like she didn't understand why she always got the attention she did, but she had to see what everyone else saw. Kay was 5 foot 7 inches tall, and barely weighed 125 pounds. She was beautiful, and had the body of a goddess. Lille knew that Kay had to understand why every time they went out together, the men fell at her feet while Lillie was left in the dust. If she didn't see it, she was a fool.

The girls got back to Kay's apartment, and Lillie went right to the room she always slept in when she was there. She changed into her sweatpants, and climbed under the covers, trying to forget the nights events. The room spun around as she closed her eyes and just tried her hardest to make the night disappear. The night did not disappear at all, it stuck in Lillie's head as she slept. She woke up covered in sweat, her head pounding like the speakers at a rock concert. On top of a hangover, she had been having a nightmare.

Lille was back in the bar, but this time she was wearing only her bra and undies. She was surrounded by men, all of them pointing, laughing, and blurting out rude comments. "Fatty!" "Hippo!" "Whale!" "Blubber" "Put some clothes on Shamoo!" "You disgust me!" She couldn't hide from them, couldn't get away, and couldn't make them stop laughing at her. She stood there completely bare, being ridiculed.

Lillie got up and found her way to the kitchen for some ibuprofen and coffee. Kay was already sitting at the table with coffee in hard. "Morning sunshine." Kay held her head as Lillie spoke. "Lil, would you shut your face and just let me enjoy my coffee?" Lillie knew that Kay wouldn't understand the way she was feeling at that moment, so she chose to keep her mouth shut, drink her coffee, and go to her room to pack up her stuff.

Lillie lived about 90 miles from her best friend, and only visited on the rare occasion. She loved Kay like a sister, but she was happy that she didn't have to be around her every weekend. She couldn't handle the way men looked at Kay, and the way Kay pretended not to notice. She couldn't handle her own self consciousness when she was around that little town she grew up in. She was so glad that she moved away. Lillie also knew that her feelings didn't disappear the minute she drove out of town though. Those feelings of not being good enough for anyone followed her where ever she went.

When Lillie was at home, she was someone who kept to herself. She worked full time and was going to school to get her nursing degree. She tried online dating, but nothing ever turned out because guys only wanted one thing. It was something she wasn't looking for. Lillie wanted to find someone that would love her for who she was, not take something from her and run the other direction at the first mention of a relationship. She was ready to give up entirely and try to get used to the idea of being completely alone.

Lillie finished packing up her stuff and went out to give her best friend a hug. "I have to head out. I have a long drive ahead." Kay wrapped her arms around her best friend's neck and whimpered. "I don't want you to go, stay and hang out with me. You need to move back home!" Lillie just laughed off the suggestion. "If you think I am moving back to this pathetic little town, you are crazy Kay!"

The girls walked out to Lillie's car and she put her bags in the trunk. They each lit a cigarette, and sat down on the steps on the building. "Kay, I can't get over what that guy said to me last night. That really hurt." Lil hung her head and stared at the ground. "Lillie Mae, don't you even consider letting that make you feel like shit. You are beautiful, fuck that jerk!" Kay often got pissed off at the way Lillie let people make her feel. Lillie was very emotional, whereas Kay quit caring about what people thought.  "You need to laugh in the face of pricks like that. Anyone who can't see how beautiful you are don't deserve a second look from you, do you hear me?"

Lillie nodded at her friends comments, threw her cigarette, and stood up. "I love you Kay, but I should probably be heading out now. I have a ton to do when I get home." She got in her car, turned the key, and cranked the radio. She blew a kiss to her friend, and backed out of the driveway. She didn't look back. She focused on the road, sang at the top of her lungs, and let the tears flow down her face. Lillie needed to make a few changes in her life, and she would start tomorrow.