Giving Up

Chapter 9

Lillie called Seth to let him know that she loved him, and that she didn't blame him. She was the one who wanted to have the party even though James didn't like the idea, so it was just as much her fault as it was anyone else's. She hated that everyone felt so guilty when nothing could have changed what happened. She reassured Seth that all was good between them. He didn't know that someone would lie to him and use him to get close to her. No one could know that, and he wasn't responsible for someone else's actions. She needed him to know that he was still one of her best friends and nothing was going to change that.

When Lillie got off the phone, she snuggled up to James. She saw a spark of surprise in his eyes when she touched him with ease. She convinced him that everything was just fine, and that she was as happy as she could be under the circumstances. Lillie ran her hands all over James and convinced him to let go of his worries and fears and just enjoy his time with her in bed. After two different love making sessions, they finally got out of bed.

Lillie stood up and felt very light headed. She started walking towards the bathroom when she collapsed onto the floor. Jamie didn't want to wait for an ambulance, so once he made sure she was breathing, he carried her to the car and rushed her to the nearest hospital. They pumped fluids into her, and ran a bunch of tests. Lillie gained consciousness to find herself hooked up to a bunch of tubes and wires. Machines were beeping in the background, and James was pacing the floor talking on his cell phone quietly.

After a couple hours in the hospital, the doctor came in to talk to her. "Lillie, do you want to be alone when we talk, or is it okay if I talk to you with James here?" When Lillie confirmed that James could stay, the doctor continued. "You were extremely dehydrated and I can tell you haven't been eating properly. We gave you fluids, but you will have to eat or I will hospitalize you. We also ran tests to make sure everything else was functioning fine. The good news is that your liver is functioning just as it should. We did discover however that you are pregnant, and guessing by your HCG levels, you are about 5 or 6 weeks along."

Lillie stared at the doctor in shock. She finally turned her head to James to see that he was also staring at the doctor. The doctor excused himself and left them to be alone. Lillie's eyes filled with tears, and she let go of Jamie's hand. She covered her face and sobbed. James didn't reach for her, because she had pulled away from him. He knew what she was thinking, and his heart felt like it was going to snap in half. That was not what he was expecting to hear the doctor say.

"Lillie, we have no way of knowing right now. You and I slept together three or four times within twenty-four hours before you were attacked. For all we know, this baby is mine. No matter the outcome of the DNA tests if you choose to have them done, I am this baby's father. I will be there with you; I will raise this child as if he or she is my child. We are in this together forever Lil." James fought back his own sadness.

"Go home James. I need to rest, and I need to be alone. I cannot have you here right now, not with your sympathy and your guilt. I don't need you here to babysit me as if I am some child! I will not lay here and listen to the sadness in your voice every time you speak to me. I know what the chances are of you being the father, and I wasn't questioning whether or not you would be there! I don't want you here! Do you hear me? I don't want you here!" She yelled until her voice cracked. James didn't give her another look, didn't say another word, he just got up and walked out.

He didn't have it in him to fight her or to remind her that she said she would quit pushing him away. If she wanted him to leave, he was going to do what she asked because he was too hurt to do anything differently. He knew he loved her and that he wanted to be with her, but at the same time he was tired of Lillie going right back to pushing him away and didn't know if he had it in him to keep begging her to stay in his life if it wasn't where she truly wanted to be. He knew that at some point if someone kept asking for something, you should give it to them.

When Lillie was discharged, she called Kay to come and take her back to her apartment. She hadn't been there since the attack, and it was time for her to face her fears. She knew it was going to be difficult, but she was ready. She was ready to go home and face the discomfort of the place that held her worst memories. She asked Kay to stop at Jamie's house on the way. She had something to take care of.

When James left the hospital, he was angry. He hated this whole situation, and hated that Lillie pushed him so far away from her after all the progress they had been making. He went to the gym and beat on a punching bag for about an hour before he went home and fell into his bed and let himself scream. He screamed and yelled and let his anger flood out of him.

Lillie let herself into Jamie's house and walked to the bedroom. She could hear James inside yelling every cuss word known to man. She knew he was upset. She didn't blame him. She was upset too. She was upset with the situation they were in. She was upset that they couldn't have a normal relationship anymore because of what happened, and she was upset that James constantly looked at her like she was going to break down at any moment. She knocked on the bedroom door as she opened it, and he sat straight up and stared at her. Without saying a word, she went in and started packing up her clothes to go home.

"Lillie, what are you doing? Why are you packing your clothes? Where are you going? Will you fucking answer me?" He hated getting the silent treatment from her. He hated the thought that she was walking away from everything he had to offer her. He knew he needed this woman in his life, and she was about to walk away from him without so much as goodbye. It pissed him off that she was going to throw in the towel and just give up everything they had.

"I'm going home. I can walk the stairs now. I have no need to stay here when I am paying half the bills on my apartment. I am going home with Kay, where I belong." She said the words so cut and dry. She showed no emotions at all. She didn't even act like she loved him. She couldn't bring herself to let him know that she was falling apart inside. She knew what she needed to do, and she was doing what was best for everyone.

"Please don't go Lillie. I love you, I need you, and I can't do this without you. Please stay and talk to me. Stay with me." He dropped to his knees in front of her and reached out for her hands as he begged her. She pulled her hands away and took a step back, and he could see on her face that there was no changing her mind. She didn't want to be with him anymore. He could tell that he had lost her.

"Don't beg James, it's not going to change anything. I can't stay here, and I can't be with you. I am putting in my notice at work, so you don't have to worry about seeing me every day. I don't want to see you again. Please don't call, don't text, and don't come to my place. I need to be away from you. I don't want you anymore." She spit the words out with anger. She grabbed her stuff and ran for the door. James fell to the floor and wailed.

Lillie got to the car and told Kay to take her home. She tried to hold her composure. She waited until she was inside the apartment and in her bedroom before she broke down crying. She didn't mean to be so harsh with him, but she knew that he wouldn't listen to her if she was nice. He would weasel his way back in and convince her not to push him away. She couldn't drag him through this with her. She was pregnant and there was a good chance that she was carrying her attacker's baby. She didn't know what to do, but she didn't want James to go crazy with her.

Every day that she carried that child, she would have to question whose DNA it had, and she didn't want James to have to go through that too. It was bad enough that he had to ask before he could reach out to her or warn her before coming up behind her. No matter how hard she tried to just be normal, she wasn't. It wasn't fair to James to be saddled with someone who was so damaged, she couldn't let him stick around while she went a little crazier every day at the thought that some sick bastard inseminated her.