Giving Up

Chapter 8 part 2

James took Lillie back to his house for the night. The car ride was silent, and he couldn't find the words to tell her about her attacker and Seth. He was afraid of hurting her, and his goal in life was to keep her safe and happy. How do you tell the person you love something that you know will upset or hurt them? He held her hand the whole drive home, and he noticed that she kept her eyes closed. He could tell she was exhausted and didn't know when to tell her what he had found out.

Lillie had fallen asleep in the car so James picked her up and carried her into the house and set her in his bed. Before her attack, he would have undressed her with ease and got her ready for bed. Now though, he wasn't able to do that without scaring the daylights out of her. He put her on her side of the bed and took off her shoes. He checked the house, locked the door, and got ready for bed. He climbed in with her, rolled on his side facing her, and watched her sleeping. All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms, and he could no longer do that without asking first. He had to always make his intentions clear so that she was surprised, because the unkown was always the scariest.

Lillie woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that she was in bed with her clothes on. She must have fallen asleep on the ride home, because the last thing she remembered was leaving the restaurant. It saddened her to realize that James put her to bed with caution, afraid to undress her. She could tell by the way he was sleeping that he had been afraid to touch her too. This wasn't the kind of life she wanted. She needed to push the bad things out of her mind and know that James would never hurt her. She needed to let him touch her again or let him go. It wouldn't be fair to James, no matter what he kept saying, to stay in a relationship where he couldn't freely reach out and touch his girlfriend without having to worry that she would have a meltdown.

James woke up to Lillie kissing him all over his face. He looked at her as she hovered over him and realized that she had stripped off all of her clothes. He was confused, because she wouldn't even kiss him the day before, and couldn't let anyone even hug her and now here she was naked and kissing him. He kissed her back, but was afraid to reach out to her and feel her soft skin. He let out a moan that was filled more with agony that it was with pleasure. He knew that he needed to talk to her, and should probably stop her from what she was doing.

Lillie could see the apprehension throughout James. She saw it in his expression, and in the tightened muscles in his body. She was going to push past her fear, and push him past his comfort zone. He couldn't treat her like she was going to break for the rest of her life. "Make love to me Jamie. I need you." She whispered in his ear as lightly bit his earlobe. "Please baby, I need you to touch me, I need you to make love to me."

James was so conflicted on what to do, but when he heard her begging him, he couldn't deny her wishes. He reached around her and pulled her to him. He kissed her with a newfound passion. He gently rolled her onto her side and kissed her shoulder and the back of her neck. He grabbed her hip and rocked her back toward him so that he entered her. He held her against his chest, and hugged her tight as he made love to her. He was so close to finishing when he noticed she was crying. He immediately stopped what he was doing and got out of the bed.

Lillie loved the feel of Jamie's kisses on her body, and the way his arms fit around her. Everything felt right in Lillie's world again. When he entered her, she remembered their first time. Making love to him was the best feeling in the world. She started to cry soft cries of pleasure, but James pulled away from her and jumped out of bed and she was confused. All of a sudden she felt so alone. She looked over at him, and he was covering his face with his hands and pacing the room. "Jamie, come back to me. Come back to bed and finish what you started."

"I can't Lillie. I can't do that and watch you crying. I am so sorry baby; I didn't mean to hurt you. I knew we should have waited but when you begged me, my brain stopped working. I can't do anything that is going to upset you." He let out a loud sigh and sat on the edge of the bed.

Lillie crawled behind him and placed her bare legs on each side of him and she wrapped her arms around his body while kissing his back. "Baby, you weren't hurting me. I was crying because I was relieved. I was crying tears of joy because I remembered our first time together. I was crying because you felt so damn good to me and I didn't want you to stop. You did not hurt me, you made me feel alive again, so you best get back in this bed with me and finish. I will not go to sleep sexually frustrated, so either you finish the job, or I go in the bathroom and finish it myself." When she stopped talking, James turned his head toward her and she laughed at the look on his face. He looked shocked.

James turned around, pushed her onto her back, and leaned over her. He kissed her and nibbled on her lips. He knelt between her legs while picking them both up and flipping them over his shoulders. He entered her and she immediately moaned and called out his name. He continued to caress her body with his hands, and rock her with his motion. After he finally brought them both to the point of no return, he collapsed on top of her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, kissed his forehead, and closed her eyes.

James finally moved from on top of her, and flopped down next to her. He held her against him and watched her drift off to sleep. He was having an internal fight with himself because his mind told him that he needed to tell her what Seth had told him, and his heart didn't want to hurt her. He knew that he had to tell her and decided that he would tell her when they woke up. He was afraid that she was going to pull away from him again, afraid that after finally breaking the barriers between them, she would build her walls right back up. They would probably be stronger walls for him to try to break.

When Lillie woke up in the morning, James was sitting on the edge of the bed holding his head in his hands. She could tell that something bothered him, something wasn't right. She moved behind him again, with her legs on either side of his. She rubbed his back and just sat there waiting for him to talk. She knew that when he was ready, he would open up. He just needed time to find the words to say. Nothing that had happened had been easy for either of them and she had to keep reminding herself that they both went through something traumatic, and James needed to be able to process his feelings just as much as she did.

"Lilly Pad, I have to tell you something. I wanted to tell you last night but you fell asleep. Then when you woke up, you distracted me to the point where I didn't know my own name. I don't want to tell you, but I know that it's the right thing to do." He took a deep breath. "Seth. I went to talk to Seth at the restaurant like you asked me to. I know what was wrong. I know why he was so upset." He told her about Brendan.

She stiffened her body but didn't let go of James. She knew it wasn't Jamie's fault. It wasn't Seth's fault. She felt sad for Seth. "It's not his fault. It's not yours either you know." She leaned her head against his back and just kept it there for a couple minutes. She took deep, steady breaths and forced her emotions back. "No one knew who he was. We didn't know most of the people there. It's not anyone's fault." She had never really blamed anyone but herself anyway. That was something she would probably always do. She was the one who never reported the phone calls. She was the one who wanted to have the party. She was the one who got drunk. No one was responsible for her except herself.