hate to love you.

thirty-nine

"wake up, baby." demi shook me on the bed. i looked up and looked at my wrists bandaged, and the floors in my bathroom clean of the blood.

i stood up fast. "demi, did i trigger you last night? i'm sorry." i said holding my head in my hands. she chuckled and pulled my hands away.

"no, baby girl. you're fine." she said smiling.

"well, get ready. we're going to bella's." she said grabbing her keys and walking down the stairs.

i grabbed a towel and washcloth and began to take a shower. i had to take off my bandages and clean my scars. it stung.

i eventually got out, threw on an oversized long sleeved shirt, and leggings with my sneakers.

i put my hair in a messy bun, grabbed my phone and left downstairs.

demi was sitting on the couch going through some mail. she saw me come and patted the couch next to her. "i have to clean your cuts." she said.

i hesitated to pull my sleeve up. "demi, i can do it." i whined. she shook her head no.

ugh. she rolled up my sleeve and she gasped covering her mouth. "see this is why." i said quickly pulling down my sleeve and going out to the car.

demi ran after me. i heard her keys clinging as she followed me to the car.
we sat in the car for a minute before taking off.

"demi, what are you doing?" i said rolling my eyes as she rolled up my sleeve and began to clean my cuts.

it was taking everything in her to not cry at that moment. "i just have to ask a question..." she hesitated. i looked up.

"did you do some of this because of me?" she said. i rolled down my sleeve and looked out the window. "please, be honest." she said.

i looked at her and faintly nodded. as soon as i looked away, i could hear her quietly sobbing. i released a tear.

i shouldn't have told her.

"demi?" i said holding her hand. she looked up. "you told me to tell you the truth. and, that's just what i did. some of these are because of you. some of them were because of you. you're not the reason i cut anymore. you're an amazing big sister, and i love you so much." i said, but she didn't believe me.

she began to shake her head side to side while sobbing in her hands. "no, i'm an awful big sister. how am i anti-bully, but i make my baby sister cut herself." she said.

i didn't have anything to say. i reached over and held her in a hug after i washed her tears away.

after around ten minutes, demi pulled herself together and we began to make our way to bella.

"bella knows." she said quickly. my eyes widened.

"you told bella?" i said angrily and sighing. "i'm sorry. that's your sister, she should know." she said holding her hands up.

"if mom doesn't know, then nobody should know. including you, demetria." i said.

we eventually got out of the car, and went through the front door. bella answered and we sat down and watched t.v.

"can i talk to you in there?" bella said to demi nodding over to the room.

demi nodded, took bella's hand, and left out of the room to go to the other. they shut the door and began talking.

it was a quiet conversation until they began to get louder and louder as if they were screaming at each other.

"demetria, she needs help!" i heard bella scream. "she can't just sit here doing this to herself." she continued.

"i can help her. she's too young for treatment right now. she not ready!" demi yelled back.

oh hell no. i am not going to treatment.

"but it's what she needs." bella argued.

"i can give her what she needs, and i don't give a damn about what you think. she's not going anywhere." demi said.

and with that, demi opened the door stormed over to her purse and i and demanded that we leave.

"demi, you can't just walk out like this." bella yelled at her. demi stopped with a tear in her eye.

"you didn't seem to care when i caught you with that bitch the other day." she spat, wiping her tear and walking out.

i looked at bella in disgust.

"it's not what it seems." she said walking towards me. i flipped her off and stormed out also.

i found demi in the car sobbing. when i got in, she tried wiping all of her tears and starting up the car.

"it's okay to cry." i said. she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder and let it out.

we sat there for almost an hour as she just cried, and cried, and cried. eventually we made our way home.

we grabbed our pajamas, changed and met back downstairs on the couch. we grabbed blankets, and some hot chocolate.

"so, what happened between you and bella?" i said. she looked up.

"well, the other day, i went out to buy some flowers for her to, you know, surprise her. and, so i went to their house and opened the door. your dad said that she was in her room with a friend. so, i opened the door and saw bella on top of another girl. i threw the flowers at her and ran out." she said with tears in her eyes.

"demi," i started. "i tried hiding it from you, because that's your sister, but i couldn't help it. we broke up a few days ago." she said. i nodded. she cleaned herself up again and sat back down.

"we need to talk." she said. she sat down her mug, and so did i. "bella thinks that you should go into treatment. i'm not saying that you have to, but there are some really good facilities out there that can help you." demi said.

i shook my head.

"but, if you'd like... i can help you. we'd move back to l.a. and start your recovery, but you'd have to want it. i can't help you unless you want me to." she said. i nodded.

"if you don't pull thr-" demi started.

"i want help." i said. she smiled. i'm doing it for dallas. that's what she would have wanted.

she came over to me and gave me a hug. "i'm so proud of you, baby girl." she said hugging me even tighter.

please let me be able to get better. i doubt it will work. speaking of recovery, when is the last time i've eaten? it's like i've gotten used to it.

i sighed.

the doorbell rang as we were talking to one another about what i should expect.

we ran upstairs to the door, because we were in the basement and opened the door. there was mom standing there with tears in her eyes and suitcases.

"mom, what's wrong?" demi said.

"he took maddie." she sobbed. i began to let out a tear. "w-who?" i asked. mom looked up.

"eddie." she said breathlessly.