hate to love you.

thirty-five

"you're lying to me." i said tears welling up in my eyes. "stop lying to me." i yelled. loud sobs began to escape from my mouth.

"baby, i wish i was, but sadly i'm not." she said she tried to hug me, but i wouldn't allow her.

"get out of here." i screamed and drowned myself in my own sobs. it's all of my fault. if i wouldn't have done anything.

"i'm downstairs." she said, but i threw a pillow towards the door as she closed it shut. i can't take this.

my heart hasn't broken this much in forever.

dallas has always been there for me when nobody else wasn't, and this is how i and repay her? she's dead and it's all my fault.

you're right. it is your fault.

something in my head was telling me something, but what is it? i don't know who's talking.

"stop it." i muttered. i began to claw at my wet, and tearing face.

you deserve every cut on your wrist. you killed your last and only hope around here.

"shut up." i screamed a bit louder.

we're not going anywhere. we're your new friends.

"no, you're not." i said scratching every inch of my body until blood seeped out of it.

yes we are. now go cut.

i couldn't do anything but sob, and follow the directions of my frie-, no they're not my fr- nds.

i grabbed my blade from my bathroom and began to mark my legs all the way down. painting a beautiful picture.

i decided i was done and went on my bed and tried to suffocate myself in the pillows.

why me? why did i have to do this?

i stayed there thinking about dallas. how all she meant was the best for me. dallas loves me, and all i did was throw her to the ground.

she never loved you.

they chimed in at every thought.

i got sick of it, and decided to go downstairs to where my family was in the couch in their own tears cuddling.

i sat on the opposite side of the room as i watched them tearing next to each other.

"how?" i croaked, holding back my tears.

"gabi, it's okay to cry. we know that the death of dallas is going to be the hardest thing you've come across so far in your life..." mom started, but then stopped realizing i was in my own thoughts.

i began to get angry at myself.

you're only angry, because you know that this is all of your fault.

"shut up." i silently screamed tugging at my hair making my family gasp and look at me in sympathy.

"the police called while you were sleeping, and they said that t-they-" she started crying again.

"they said that dallas was found dead at the bottom of a-a cliff. she c-committed suic-cide." she finished.

i began to sob, and allow and pool of tears to run as i hugged my knees. i didn't want anyone near me, i just wanted time to myself.

i will always miss you, dallas.

i must have fallen asleep, because all i woke up to was the sound of mom yelling at the funeral home making arrangements for dallas' funeral.

"no, i told you that i want roses. that's my daughter's favorite flower." she said sobbing into the phone.

i picked myself up and made my way to my room. i logged on to twitter and saw that demi had posted something about dallas which made me start to tear up again.

i chose a picture of dallas and me at disney, where i was on her back, and she was looking up at me as i was doing a silly face.

it made me smile extra hard.

i began to post.

@/gabrielagonzalez- dallas lovato. it's hard to admit that you're gone. you're the other half of me that kept me going. how could i ever get used to the fact that you were the one who kept me motivated, and helped me to move on. i'm here, in my own tears drowning over you, i hope that you're taking care of yourself. not only are you my sister, but you're my best friend. there's just so much i wish i could've told you. and so much i could've done to prevent this very moment. i love you more than i love myself. r.i.p, love.

by the time i posted it, my laptop was covered in my own tears. have you ever been so down that you just feel like the world is coming down with you?

i covered my mouth as a loud scream escaped my mouth and took over the noise on the outside.

i began to grab my hair, and punch my bed, not being able to forgive myself.

you should be doing this. you're worthless, you're the reason someone killed their self.

i sobbed some more, maybe if i sleep, it will help. help to stop the pain, help to stop the mourning.

the funeral is in a couple of days, and i and can't believe how my sister is dead. this must be some joke.

my life is a joke.

i slammed my head into the wall, "please, please. this has to be a joke!" i screamed.

i heard my door open, and demi came in with puffy eyes and began to pull me away from the wall as i screamed and she held me tight.

"baby girl, please breath." she said calmly.

"but, i can't." i screamed. i moved up in the bed and sat against the headboard covering my ears as demi watched with wide eyes.

demi doesn't care. she hates you.

"stop it." i screamed as i clawed at my face more. demi wanted to get up and stop the scene, but she asked me questions.

"baby, what do you want to stop?" demi said crying.

tell her about us. she should know about all of your friends. she'll love us. i mean she's had us before too.

"the voices." i said calmer.

"aw, baby girl." she said coming up to me and wrapping me in her hug. her fresh vanilla scent overpowered me.

"breathe with me. in and out." she said over and over again until my breathing began to match hers.

you can be my sanity
bring me peace
sing me to sleep
say you'll be my nightingale.

she began to sing to me, as i lost my mind. i grew quiet. demi is here. she can help me.

no, she can't. but, we can.

they're right. they can help me.

everything i do now, is for dallas.