hate to love you.

fifty-one

ever since nick asked me to be his girlfriend a month ago, everything's been going a lot better.

i mean, i'm still purging behind his back, but i feel as if he has my back and he's going to take good care of me.

last night, i signed into my twitter account, so that i can keep up with my family members.

everyone's been posting except for demi. i can tell that she's going through a hard time if she's not posting.

almost as if on cue, demi posted a video. the cover of the video was a picture of her crying.

i couldn't help, but to press play. demi is my half of my everything, and nick is sleeping.

@/ddlovato-

as many of you may know, my sister gabriela was kidnapped about two months ago. lovatics, i need you to understand that i'm going through a very hard time and it's taking everything in me to stay strong.

please, continue to be on the look out for her. she's gone, and it's tearing me to pieces. if only i told her to stay in the house. i shouldn't have brought up dallas.

you never truly know what have until its gone. gabriela, if you're somehow out there watching this video, i want you to know that i love you, and we all miss you. please come home baby girl.

this is demi lovato, i love you all.

and, with that, she ended the video in tears. leaving me in tears. i'm responsible for every single tear coming out of her eyes.

for her sadness. i'm so selfish. i can't believe i'm here enjoying this life when i have another with demi and my family.

what's wrong with me?

*triggering*

i began to tear at my wrists with my fingernails while sobbing. i need something, i need the metal.

i shut my phone off, and ran to the bathroom. i watched as my finger nails opened each and every one of the cuts scattered on my wrist.

the blood seeping out made me realize how much i missed doing this to myself.

i screamed at myself and began pulling my hair out as i desperately searched for a razor.

after finding a sharp, new razor, i smashed it to floor and grabbed it with my bare hands before taking it to my wrist.

"claire!" nick yelled running over to me.

before he could grab the razor, i ran into the shower to buy me time and slashed my wrist more and more.

he grabbed the razor, and threw it into the hallway before grabbing me, a bloody mess, and holding me in his arms.

for once in a while, i felt safe.

"what happened, princess?" he asked while moving his hand through my hair and kissing my forehead.

"h-hold me." i said. he nodded and grabbed the first aid kit and began to clean my cuts and patch them up.

trigger warning ending