Lights (2019)

Letters from the Dead

I clasp a hand over my mouth. This is it, this is her hand writing. It had been so long that I had almost forgotten the way she wrote different letters. Her writing was a mixture of cursive and print that flowed effortlessly across the page. I can see where she messed up and scratched things out. I touch the ink lightly with my fingertips. Handwritten things are strange; they remain preserved long after the person is gone. It is like a connection to them, because every one's hand writing is like a fingerprint. In my hands I am holding the last thing my mother wrote, and I am floored by it.

July 14

Connor and Blair,

I know this is a surprise to both of you. It's a surprise to me, too. I never thought I would be gutsy enough to go through with it, but here you are, reading this, so I guess in the end I was. I need you to know how sorry I am to put you through this. I have made mistakes in my life and I was at the point that I could no longer handle to make another one without falling apart.

Connor, my dear, my love, my husband, my friend. I want you to know that I love you no matter what. We've been through so much together in our lives and you are not only my love but my best friend. I hope that you can come to a point in your life where you forgive me, and I know we've made mistakes and I won't dwell on them; but I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made. Thank you for the best years of my life; I love you.

Blair, my sweet daughter. I know you will grow up without a mother, and that pains me. But you are strong enough to be without me, and I am always here for you, in your heart. You have Harry to keep your feet on the ground, don't ever take that for granted. Trust in yourself, and do not fear. Darling, you have big dreams and I want you to chase them, no matter what. I love you unconditionally and I will always be by your side. I'm sorry that I cannot be there.

You two have made my life colorful and beautiful, and I won't ever forget that. You are the lights of my life that kept me in the world longer than I planned, and I love you to no end.

Love always,

Madeleine

I hold the note to my chest, full on sobbing. I gasp for air but none seems to occupy my lungs. It is like I am a fish out of water, gaping and trying to breathe, but I can't. All these years I had thought she left without a trace, but she left this. She loved me, she didn't want me to be in pain. Oh God, how I miss her. I feel like a piece of me has been torn out of me and crumbled up.

The door to my room clicks open and I lock eyes with Harry's green ones. I don't speak, I can't speak. I just hold out the note. Harry cautiously takes it from me, sitting on the bed beside me. I cling to him tightly; he wraps his arm around me pulling me into his chest. I watch how his brow furrows and his jaw in clenched. He seems to read it more than once, his eyes skimming faster and faster. He opens his mouth to form words, looking up at me. Then he swallows and shakes his head, unable to speak. He folds the not back up and places it on the bedside table.

"She...forgave him," I say, my voice barely a whisper. "After everything he did...she forgave him."

Harry just shakes his head. "How did we not know about this?"

"My father didn't want us to know...we were too young." Even if my father has been a jerk all these years, this is something he did right. I would not have been able to take this if I had seen this note at the age of seven. Hell, I'm barely able to take it at age nineteen.

We sit in silence for a while, Harry stroking my hair as I listen to his heart beating in his chest. He lets me dirty his shirt with my tears and he will never know how much that means. He didn't say anything he just held me. It is like he is holding me together like he has done all those years. I place a kiss on his chest, just over his heart. I can feel him pause for a moment before continuing his motion of stroking my hair. My lips taste the salt from my tears. I inhale deeply, trying to compose myself, before I pull away from him. I chew on my lip as I finally get up and splash water on my face, trying to wash away the dried tears on my face. I brace my hands on either side of the sink and breathe evenly, pushing my hair out of my face.