Lights (2019)

The Calm

Harry had picked me up early. I had been home alone because Eleanor and Louis had gone to run some errands before the party and Jay and my dad had taken the younger kids to a movie or. I shifted in his passenger seat uncomfortably; a dark black material of the dress that I had picked out felt super constricting. It almost looked like a cropped halter top and a skirt, but they were sewn together with a fish-net-like fabric to cover the skin it revealed. Gemma had been right, Harry loved the dress.

My conversation with Eleanor had left me a little more reassured, and yet I could still feel the insecure side of me continued to eat away. I wanted Harry, I wanted this for us; but what I don't want is to be compared to the number of girls he had already been with. He wouldn't do that, I know he wouldn't, but the thought kept nagging at me. Jane kept nagging at me, if I was really honest.

Eleanor said I can't plan it... it is natural and it would just happen. But what if I want it to happen? I wanted him to be my first for everything; and Eleanor was right... he would take care of me.

I wouldn't even know how to breach that subject. What do I say? Hey, do you want to deflower your girlfriend? Or maybe something more like: I don't know what I'm doing, but your ex is a bitch so let's bang!

I know he has said he wanted me time and time again, but was this really something he wanted to experience with me? Every time we had gotten remotely close, we had stopped before it could escalate that far. What if he stopped us because he wasn't really interested in that?

I am overthinking... I am letting my thoughts get away with me. I glance over at Harry as he drives. His brow is furrowed in concentration as he scanned the road. Soft music played as we drove to the party. I listen to the tires scratch against the gravel as we pull into the lot of the old warehouse.

"Baby?" He asks. I hum in response. "I've been saying your name for the past five minutes.

"Oh sorry." I say. "I was just thinking."

"I could tell," he chuckled. "Practically had smoke coming out your ears."

The corner of my twitched into a small smile.

He turns off his car and shifts to look at me. His finger caresses my face, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. I turn to look at him and he smiles, "Hey beautiful, what you thinking about?"

My cheeks darken, "Stuff, I don't know."

"Is something wrong?" He asks. I shrug softly. I don't know how to tell him what I am feeling; how to explain that I want to be with him in that way, and how that totally scares me. I don't know how these other girls do it; how do they just hook up with someone? I can hardly touch Harry without overthinking it. "Blair, seriously, are you all right?"

"I saw Jane today." I tell him.

"Oh," he says stiffly, shifting in the driver's seat. "Did she bother you?"

"She just said some things," I whisper.

"What things?" Harry questions, resting his hand on the nape of my neck.

"She was just trying to get under my skin," I shake my head. "She knows how to do that."

"What did she say to you?" He asks firmly. The pad of his thumb traces the bumps of my spine.

"Do you want to be with me?" I ask in a quiet voice.

His brow furrows, "I told you that I wanted to be with you--"

"No," I stop him. "Do you want to be with me in that way?"

"Oh," he says softly. "Of course I do. Do you think that I don't?"