Lights (2019)

Goodbye Until Tomorrow

Harry. 

I fucked up.

I should have just told her when it happened, and we could have worked from there. When I saw her with her sad eyes in the grocery store, my heart only shattered further. I shouldn't have let her leave that night--I should have told her the whole story, but I fucked up... I fuck up everything.

I sit at my kitchen bar with my head in my hands. The ache in my chest only seems to grow as time goes on. The weight on my chest makes me feel like I can't breathe. If I told her, she wouldn't believe me, I already broke her trust... she hates me. 

I have fucked up everything. 

I've been a wreck. I haven't been able to sleep, and I haven't eaten much. I just go to work, come home, and get hammered on my own sometimes. Luke, Penny, and Jane have all been calling me, but I'm intent on never talking to them again. Because of them I ruined the best thing I had in my life. How could she ever forgive me? 

She leaves today. 

My phone buzzes it again, and I stare at it. I'm supposed to see Dr. Stone. Sally, the receptionist, has left multiple voicemails on my phone asking me if I need to reschedule since I haven't been showing up for the past two weeks. I stare at my phone. Blair would want me to go. She always knew what was best for me. 

I lift the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"This is Sally from Dr. Stone's office, may I speak with Mr. Styles?"

"This is...this is Harry Styles."

"Oh, good evening Mr. Styles."

"I was just calling to tell you--"

"I will be in this week." 

"All right, thank you, Mr. Styles. I'll notify Dr. Stone."

"Thank you."

"Have a wonderful night, Mr. Styles."

I hang up and stared at my phone again.

I'm a fuck up and maybe I needed to fix myself before I tried to fix us. 

...

Blair.

"Are you bringing this?" Louis questioned holding up a paper weight from my desk. I shake my head, he then picks up my jar of pens, "Are you bringing this?"

"You know," I begin. "I love that you offered to help me pack, but standing around lifting up random objects asking if I want to bring it is actual, believe it or not, not that helpful."

"Sheesh," he scoffs. "Who shit in your cereal this morning?"

I take a deep breathe, and look at my step-brother, "I'm sorry... I am just stressed. I waited too long to start packing."

"I know," he snorts plopping down on my bed. "What is already in the car?"

"The bedding, school supplies, toiletries, cleaning supplies--"

"Sounds like the only thing you don't have is your clothes and yourself," he jokes. "Just remember, you aren't going to be stranded on some weird planet... there will be stores." 

"I know, I just like to--"

"Be prepared," he finished. "I know." 

I sit in front of my dresser and begin to sort through the drawers. I make a packing pile, a donate pile, and a return to drawer pile. I hold happened to open my shirt drawer first, I unfold and peer at each shirt before putting it in its decided pile.