The exchange

So tired

"Jessie, I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say, my mind was working overdrive just staying awake I couldn’t cope with getting in a fight with a friend I hadn't seen in forever. "Lucy, I'm not that mad I just want to know where you've been." Jessie spoke in a calm tone after a few moments. "Its a long story." I sighed, yeah London was a great idea. Jessie put her hand on my shoulder and rubbing it soothingly. "Look if we take too much longer the girls will start to worry. Come to mine tonight, we can cancel the drinks which I know will be filtered through us and you can tell me what happened." She got her suitcase filled with clothes and makeup and walked out the small room I was going over the truth in my mind, I hadn't really spoken about it to anyone. The sound of Jessie’s light footsteps faded fast so I ran out of the room and down the consider to catch up. "You've got to let me talk to the girls okay." Jessie spoke out as she opened the exit door like I had been walking with her the whole time, I just breathed out an agreement, I wasn't unfit in any way but I was exhausted and sprinting was not a good idea. We saw them in the car right away thanks to the help of Holly flicking the lights on and off. "Wait here" Jessie demanded, she was mad and it did show but clearly the worst thing to do would be to disagree with her. After a few minutes of Jessie and holly raising their voices and them being shushed by Clair, when Jessie walk back over she looked worried and a little more pissed than she was before she walked away so I just decided to keep quiet while she called a taxi.

“Your house is beautiful, Jessica” I stated and smiled as we walked in, she simply turned back to face me and let out a nearly inaudible “hmm” making me feel uncomfortable. “Jessica, I truly am sorry.” Jessie was silent and in all honesty I was scared and also was mentally beating myself up for being so dumb. “Sit.” she simply pointed at the couch just through the open door, so I did. After a few minutes of Jessie sitting there with her head on her arm with her eyes did she look up with a distant look, guilt was starting to rip through me with knives. “Okay, the long story starts now, 10 years since you walk to me, we were 16 and I want to know what happened.” Her voice was so calm now, how I remember it, her kind voice causing a small smirk to pull at the corners of my mouth. “Jessica, I don’t think you knew this but when we were 16 you helped me, a lot. For every second after we stopped talking I continued appreciating what you said to me. You gave me confidence to grow up and find new friends all of which of those friend are amazing but there was one girl who I fell for and I know it’s stupid and in no-way should I have ever seen her as more important than you but I was so caught up in this stupid crush that I made dumb choices. it was what? Two years knowing her did we become an un-official thing. She demanded all my attention, she was lovely don’t get me wrong, it was me who was a dick and I’m sorry. We were on and off for a bit over two years and then we came out together, I was at university, I was stupidly caught up in Kelsey and study and I knew you were getting big in your career and I just thought you’d forgotten me so I kinda dropped any thoughts of talking to you and I’m sorry. I- ah- dated her for six years(it’s now 6 not 3 bc that what’s was meant to say in earlier chapter) and a lot happened and blah blah. She broke up with me the other week, I’m between jobs, I’ve somehow paid off my loan and I needed to come over here to try and cheer myself up and so on. I’m sorry Jessie. I thought you’d have all forgotten me. and I’m sorry for the lack of answers really but I was stupid and Jessie I’m sorry.” I rambled on in broken sentences, with silence every time I didn’t know what to say. I closed my eyes and shook my head subtly over and over, Jessie didn’t make a noise. Jessie gave me a fright when she came and sat next to me but I kept my eyes closed, I was tired and guilty. “I just worried you know. You were recovering from depression and then one day you just disappeared. For all I knew you could have ceased to exist and I wouldn’t have known.” Jessie’s arms wrapped around my cold body and her warmth just got me to smile, I was still facing ever so slightly with my back to Jessie and my eyes remained closed. Her hand rested on my shoulder, the comforting heat that kind of pulsed from her touch gave me strength to turn around and open my eyes which I know would be bloodshot, her green eyes reflected the hall’s light and I started to tear up. I leaned forward and just hugged Jessie which she returned. “Jessica- I- I don’t understand you. I confess that I was a stupid friend that got caught up in a pointless life wasting relationship and you’re not angry, you were just concerned that I was gone.” I cried in to her shoulder shamefully. She pulled me back from the hug and wiped my face with her sleeve while holding my weak body steady with her other hand on my shoulder. “All I ever did is worry about you Lu, okay you were and still are important. Now lets get you to sleep.” I nodded and stood up slowly and followed Jessie up the stairs we got changed and went to bed. I didn’t even realise I was in the same be until Jessie got her pillow and laid it on my chest which was followed by her head like she would do when we were younger, there was nothing I could do so I closed my eyes and nearly instantly did I fall asleep.

I awoke at 5 am with a much better sense of everything. The guilt of my lack of friendship cut deep when I looked over at Jessie who was still holding her pillow but now faced the other way. I crept out of her room and somehow found my way to the bathroom, I faced the mirror and saw my awful looking state. I was still tired but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I went back to Jessie’s room so I slowly made my way down stairs to the kitchen where I looked through her cupboards for ingredient and begun making some kind of baking that I couldn’t even name with my tired name. I baked a variation of things over the time space of three hours when I pulled out the last tray of ‘things’ and put them on the bench. After not trusting my head and checking everything was off did I drag myself to the lounge, only guided by the rangehood light that I baked with and passed out on the soft couch.

This is what you get for now. I was really determined to write something but really the title of this chapter tells you how I'm feeling rn... so any wrong word arrangments are due to my late night disyxia and I'm sorry but I can't help it.. I use google docs so I trust that to fix major thingys... ahh I have reall issues. sorry. don't hate on my writing. well night. please tell me what you think and feel free to senfd suggestions bc I know where this is going but then i don't and yeah. well I think ima fall asleep if I keep rampling on likr this so thanks and yeah. tell me what you think xx(: