Riverside | Mental Hospital | (Finished book)

Chapter Twenty Two

After being home, back at Riverside, life just got more and more unbearable by the day. I was on a lot of medication for pain, and then mental ones too. I felt trapped like I was in hospice, and all I wanted was to die. People hated me since they accused me of overreacting to Ethan, and Ethan had got much worse mental health wise, and it was all my fault as usual.

I didn't go to therapy, or intention to get better. I stopped eating, and as a result, Claire started questioning an eating disorder, so I was kept on ward three. When ever I have seen a nurse, I watched, the way they looked at me - the girl who was too much for even Riverside. I even overheard one say - I should be in a secure hospital, another said I should be dead.

My self-harm got bad, I wasn't cutting anymore since I couldn't physically get access, but I was smashing myself into things, and my body was so weak and pale, and the bruises from the fall - no one as much as questioned it.

One afternoon, I saw Lily in the corridor, and she was talking to a girl who I barely knew, and then I heard them before they knew I was even there.

" She was so pretty, nice figure, and held a mystical presence about her. Now she's skin and bone, and you almost want her to be dead, rather than see her in so much pain, so numb."

That hurt too hears, but it was true. I was ready now, the end needed to come. Then an idea hit me, and I was going to persuade Claire; when we had our next meeting.

When that time came, it didn't go well. It was a review with twelve different members of staff, and for the first time in being back, I had a spark, although it was extremely quickly put out again. Everyone was discussing whilst I sat there, in a wheelchair in my dressing gown quietly then I chirped up.

" I know what I want," I whispered and everyone stopped and looked at me shocked I spoken.

"Yes?" A random man stopped and looked at me.

" Every human serves a purpose and mine? To teach others the meaning of life, people can learn from me that it's not okay to be so upset and reach my level of depression. That there's always help, and never to hide.

I want to write a book - then others can read it. After that, I want just one thing - small and simple. I would like to fly to Sweden and have an assisted suicide.

Being paralysed, as much as our society deny it and fight it, truthy holds me back and is going to affect me. Take a look at my arm, the scars and injury? Self-destructive behaviour? It demonstrates why this life isn't what I want. Not for me.

Why not let it all be peaceful? Because, truthfully, one day I am just going to do it, reach for a gun, pull a trigger. Or hang me? People would still have to mourn me and blame themselves.

So I beg you - let go of me. Let me go. I can say goodbye now, to people, friends. And be free and happy."

The room was silent before Claire stood up and looked at me.

"But Effie, you're here for recovery. We can't just fly you off to Sweden, our permission or not."

" Well release me, then! Let my parents take me!" I looked up breaching eye contact with the room for the first time, at a group of shocked faces.

" It's our policy, to discharge you when your better; us doing that would get us into a lot of trouble, and your young with a life ahead!" This man looked at me and demanded.

" Well... I want death and NO one can stop that!" I yelled!

Claire then stood up, and grabbed my chair, she turned to the group of people and announced for her patient's safety, she was removing me and holding the meeting back. I was in no fit state, and nor was anyone else now. Once outside - I turned to Claire.

"Claire, I beg you. Let me go, or help me, please." I whispered as she pushed me down the corridor.

"Eff, no. I literally cannot, or I would." Claire pleaded with me.

"Sneak, me some pills, or something!" I raised my voice but then Claire stopped and spun me around.

"EFFIE, you have no idea! It's literally sending me insane I see you as a daughter, and literally, want your happiness, yet all this begging for something you cannot have, it hurts and I can't handle it! Please! Stop!" Claire was crying and so was I.

It pushed me over, and into my next plan. - My final one.