City Lights

the breakdown

WARNING
it may could be triggering if you suffer from depression or selfharm just like I do.

It took me a lot to publish it as this chapter speaks out of my life a 100%. Everything in this chapter really happened to me except that I was in my own bed and not in a bunk with my idols around me.

So please don't leave any rude comments

As I crawled into my bunk I couldn't hold it in anymore. I've done this for far too long. The tears were streaming down my face as I try so hard not to make a voice so I won't wake somebody. I knew I had to go through this alone. I couldn't tell anybody that I feel like this. That I feel so depressed that it physically hurts from the inside out. That the only thing on your mind is how you want to cut up every single part of you and than after you suffered the pain you deserve put the blade on your wrist and make one last deep cut to end it all. But no. I never do it. No matter how many nights I'm laying in my bed feeling like this pressing my hands on my mouth so no sound can escape my lips I never do it. The reason which keeps me away from those actions is just as stupid and pathetic as I am. I still hope. I hope that it will get better someday. I hope that maybe I'll understand this world and why people are so cruel to me. I hope that someday I'll find a person who loves me for who I am. And even though it sounds silly I hope that someday I'll get out of this darkness and can live my life like I always wanted to. Every time a tiny sound comes out of my mouth I'm being sceared to death that somebody heard it but than I think that even if nobody would care enough to get up and look for me. I'm just the unwanted one. I'm the unwanted girl on tour. I'm the unwanted daughter and sister. I'm the unwanted problem but what the worst is, is that I know that my own family hates me. They've shown it bevor while we were skyping once again. They hate me from the deepest parts within. I know this because why else would my mum beat me up since I'm a kid. Why else would she spit at me and tell me I'm not worth anything. Why else would she tell me that I'm just a waste of space and she wants me to kill myself. Why else would she tell me to dig in deeper the next time I cut myself. Why would she else tell me to eat less so I die from starvation. Why else would she...but no not only my mum hates me but my dad too. He doesn't show it that clearly but I can see it. When he just stands there watching while my mum abuses me and doesn't say or do a thing. Sometimes he explodes as well and says mean things to me or punshes me into my face and that's when it really hurts me. Not physically but mentally. I'm used to it from my mum but my dad doesn't do it often so when There is a time period where he's all nice and sweet a glimpse of hope rises in me that he changed Just to be destroyed brutally when he starts it again. I wish with the deepest parts within me that I could stop them from doing this to me however I can't do anything against both of them and neither can my sister. My sister...my perfect little sister....she wouldn't even want to help me even if she could. She tells me often that I deserve what they do to me. That I brought this over my self. How can my sister say such things? How can she not help me when I'm too sceared to walk outside my room because I have to fear that I'm getting beaten up again. Why is she blaming everything on me? Am I really such an horrible person that not even my family wants me? As all these thoughts are running through my head every now and than I consider suicide as an option. Every now and than I look at my old scars and still fresh cuts. Every now and than I think about my blades which would be less than half a meter away from me and how easily I could reach them. And every now and than I place another cut to my collection. After I've cut myself I feel an overwhelming calmness inside me with a lot of exhaustment. I wrap my blades up carefully and place them back in their secret place. Than I clean everything up and look carefully around so I won't oversee any blood which could give my relaps to my addiction away. After I made sure that there is nothing that could tell my secret I lay down and my face changes into a hurtfull expression as the new cuts sting when I lay on them but even I'm in pain due to this I can't help but smile. I'm proud of the harm I did to myself and slowly I drift into a sleep full of nightmares until the same night routine will repeat itself the next day.