choosing not to

time of death

may 15 2017

i've read your letter maine. the one you were supposed to give me on our anniversary

you got my letter? how?

a month after you disappeared on us, direk luis sent me the things you left in your locker. so no. i don't believe you meant to lose our baby....

i fainted that day. dinala ako ni direk sa ospital. the doctor confirmed i'm pregnant

bakit di sinabi sa kin ni direk?

he was not there anymore when the result of my blood work came in..... i'm... i was.... i.... uhm... it made my heart full rj. one minute i thought i could give you the perfect gift the next thing i knew i was being wheeled to an o.r. to get the baby out.... i felt my world stopped... sobra yung sakit to the point na wala na akong maramdaman.... i was just numb....

what happened....

after the blood chem revealed my pregnancy, dr. marasigan asked me to have an initial ultrasound para marinig ko yung heartbeat at para makita yung age of gestation. it took him more than 10 minutes to tell me the baby doesn't have a heartbeat... he said intrauterine fetal demise. tapos sabi nya i have to undergo the process of taking out the baby kasi it will endanger my life.... wala akong maintindihan rj.... basta ang alam ko lang nawalan ako ng karapatang maging ina...

shhhhh.... it's alright.... you're gonna be ok.... nandito ako....

patawarin mo ko rj.... i failed you.... i failed us... and i wish i could say na hindi ko ginusto....

bakit di mo ako tinawagan...

kasi alam kong ako yung may kasalanan.... kasi alam kong wala akong karapatan bigyan ka ng ganun klaseng sakit.... kasi alam kong i don't have any reason to hurt you like that.... kasalanan ko yun eh.... ako yung dahilan kaya nawala yung baby natin.... rj ako yung---

ssshhhh.... wala kang kasalanan maine... hindi mo ginusto yung nangyari.... hindi mo dap---

hindi mo naiintindihan rj.... hindi mo ko naiintindihan

then make me.... please maine.... kasi dapat nandun ako eh... kasi dapat dalawa tayong humarap dun sa sakit.... kasi hindi mo dapat pinagdaanan yun ng mag-isa... kasi tangina dapat kadamay mo ko nung nasasaktan ka..... kasi dapat hawak ko yung kamay mo nung nahihirapan ka.... kasi dapat hati tayo dun sa hinagpis.... kasi dapat yakap-yakap kita nung panahong natatakot ka.... maine dapat kasama mo ko dun eh.... hindi mo kasalanan yun.... hindi mo ginus---

what if subconsciously i did? rj.... i was delayed the previous month.... at alam ko yun but i did not have any guts to go buy a pregnancy test kit or ask you to drive me to an ob-gyne... rj ilang beses mo ko sinabihan na magpa-check up that june when i complained about my headaches? nakinig ba ko sayo? or when you told me over and over not to skip meals? or not to go with audrey pag nagyoyosi sya? ilang beses mo ba akong sinabihan? ang daming beses di ba? did i ever listen? NO right? your pleas fell on deaf ears.... so tell me.... ngayon mo sabihin sa kin na wala akong kasalanan? because i for one know I DID THIS! I LET IT HAPPEN!!!!.... i was suppose to take care of our baby... i was suppose to shower our angel all the love in my heart.... but i chose not to.... i chose not to acknowledg---

don't do this to yourself maine.... hindi mo kasalanan to

were you even listening? KASALANAN KO TO! i deprived you to be a father. so go ahead throw your words.... MAGALIT KA SA KIN! SISIHIN MO AKO! make me feel your anger... tell me how disappointed you are... hurt me.... make me suffer....... BECAUSE I DESERVE ALL THAT HURT AND EVERY BIT OF PAIN.... so please... i beg you... i'm begging you....

maine... please... tama na.... stop hurting yourself.... stop blaming yourself.... nakikiusap ako.... kasi ang sakit sakit makita ka na ganito. ang sakit na wala akong magawa at wala akong nagawa.... wala kang kasalanan.... look at me.... please maine.... look at me... wala kang kasalanan hindi mo to ginusto... kasi kung ginusto mong mawala ang baby natin hindi ka masasaktan ng ganito. hindi mo sisisihin ang sarili mo. hindi ka sana namatay nung gabing yun. SO NO... hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari......

ang sakit sakit sakit rj.... sobrang sakit....

let me take away the pain..... i'll make it go away.... come back to me maine.... come home to me.... please.... bumalik ka na sa kin.....

i.... i.... i'm sorry rj i ca----

YOU CAN! AND YOU WILL! kahit anong mangyari maine hinding-hindi kita iiwan at hindi ka aalis naiintindihan mo ko? i let you walk out of my life once at pinagsisisihan ko yung araw na wala akong ginawa.... SO NO! this time i call the shots! i deserve this chance maine....

rj held on to maine as if making his statement of not wanting to let her go known to her. he was devastated to see her this way, he was angry yes. but he was angry with himself for not being able to console the love of his life, he felt helpless that he can't do anything to make her pain go away but he knew he needed to be strong for her, for the both of them and he sure will.... he closed his eyes and cradled her and whispered to the heavens, 'thank you for giving me a reason'