choosing not to

how can three words kill you?

july 16 2015

"ms. mendoza i'm very sorry. do you need to call someone before we move on with the procedure?"

dr. marasigan, how did it happen?

"it happens maine. hindi lang sa'yo. based on statistics there is around 70% miscarriage at the first trimester."

doc kailangan ko lang po kasing maintindihan kung bakit walang heartbeat yung baby ko?

"as i've said maine hindi natin alam what caused the baby's heart to stop beating since ito rin ang first check up mo."

kahit expert opinion lang po doc.

"may cases na masyadong stress ang mother, kulang sa nutrition, may warning signs sa katawan ng nagbubuntis na hindi agad naagapan, environment exposure can also be a factor, can be chemical or hormonal factor, infection, pwede ring baka hindi kayang i-sustain ng katawan ng mother ang child-bearing, maraming causes maine. please don't feel too bad about yourself kasi kung alam mo naman i'm sure mag-iingat ka but you didn't know kaya wala kang nagawang preventive measures. don't beat yourself up. you will have several chances pa naman you're still young. let me know if you're ready to move on to the next procedure. ok?"

ok po.

"and maine. if there's anyone we need to call--"

no one doc. we don't need to call anyone. ready na po ako

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july 17 2015

she woke up panting and sweating. she could vividly remember how the angel in her dream kept smiling at her while slowly fading. she tried to reach the angel but it seemed her feet was fixed on a certain pavement and a pair of strong hands grasping her middle preventing her to move towards the angel's direction. she kept crying until the angel in her dream disappeared. but the angel's last words echoed in her ear.... i love you....

from then on she dreaded hearing those words. it felt like those three words were smothering her. pakiramdam nya pinapatay sya ng tatlong salitang ito ng paulit-ulit. parang walang katapusan. mula noon, it became a constant reminder to her of what she lost... and the reason she lost it.

dr. marasigan's words resounded again and again in her head. -kasi kung alam mo naman- 'she had an instinct, when she missed her period on june and those fainting spells, but she dismissed the fact and did not try to confirm her intuition, her words - don't assume, it's not your first time na ma-delay... ' so she didn't bother dropping by the drugstore. and then that - stress- she can still hear richard's voice, 'baby i know how passionate you are pero wag naman ganito, uuwi ka ng alas-dos ng madaling araw tapos yung susunod na rehearsal-call time mo 5am ano pa itutulog mo? and what did i tell him 'bu, i can't back out na dun sa isang production kasi di ba ako nga lang yung understudy eh naaksidente yung lead nasa ospital pa. last two weeks na lang naman, besides i feel fine. yeah right, she felt fine' and what else? oh the - nutrition part- i'll just have coffee for breakfast. again where did those lunch and dinner take away bags rj brought her ended? you bet... in the trash. untouched and rotten' and that - environmental factor thing- 'what was rj's reminder? bakit mo ba kasi kelangan samahan si audrey pag nagyoyosi sya that's second hand smoking baby and what did you answer him? eh kasi wala syang ibang friend na sasamahan sya. oh and don't forget that remark he gave you when you were cleaning the bathroom, 'bie use face mask next time or better yet wag ka na gumamit ng muriatic acid' and the ever reason you replied, 'eh kasi naman uneven na yung color nung tiles tsaka mas mabilis linisin'. and the voices lingered. then she started questioning herself kung alam nga ba nya, would she have taken those preventive measures?

she asked herself again and again and again.... would she? --that's when she feared the answer.....