The Escape

Simple Mistake

I got the call,I keep denying it, this can not possibly be true. I've held so much off, pushing you away for later, never got a chance to say goodbye.I'm so sorry. The fact, I can never takeanything back. What I'd do to just have one more moment with you, you never know what you have until its gone. A life full of isolation and bitterness, just block them all out to avoid losing anyone.Why be attached when you'll just lose them them at the end right? Plus, its not like we'd ever be anyting, you deserve so much better. I now know I rather love and have lost than not to love at all.That is the biggest lose of my life, you are gone  with no love left between us. In my life, losing you was the worst, but losing you in all the wrong ways made everythong 100 times worse. At no point you ever left or gave up on me, even though I shut you out for sure.I'll never understand that, I made a simple, no more like hige mistake that is now the biggest regret of my life. There's no way to turn back time, but damn if there was any way I could, I'd show you how amazing and worthy you are. People don't realize what they have until its gone, I really couldn't realize that, cluttered in self pity,selfishness, isolation, and crumbling self doubt. Ithought I could never give you what you wanted, more importantly what you deserved, I was so blinded, you stayed, yet I couldnt realize that at all.

  Now I can't stand to look myself in the mirror,a monster, a fucking monster that could have avoided all this if I had just gotten my shit together from the start. Broken and shattered, my body shutting down, stumbling into walls and crumbling apart from within. Every bright empty day leads to a dreadful dark misrable night. Drip, drop,drip,drop, blood filling the bathtub until I turn numb, I lay my head back chug afater chug until your memory suddenly slips into a blur leaving my mind.Slowly losing my sanity,anything and everything reminds me of you to the point I can't even stand going outside of my own home. My life instantly became distanced, the never ending four walls surrounding me, slowly closing in at every moment of every day. Soon enough pictures of you start to fade,gone and lost forever. The only soothing thing I have to hold on to is  the sound of your voice but only in my dreams I can hear you. It's an endless cycle of suffering, I'm still alive, but I am not living, just simply survivng on the border line of life and dealth. Shit taking a gun to the head sounds better everytime it rings through my skull. Nowhere to turn, nowhere to go, as if survivng is worse than just ending all the pain. Let me die, this can't possibly be worth it all. Trapped in my own mindset, I have lost all my sanity,let alone hope.