Through My Eyes

Chapter 10

"Here we are. Hop on out", Ross murmurs to me as the car comes to a stop.

What I really want to do is curl up into a ball and forget any of this even happened, but somewhere in the back of my head, it registers that he's just trying to help me, so I force my legs out of the car when he pulls the door open for me.

I find my voice again. "Where are we?" I ask, huskily.

"In a lovely park. Whenever I get stressed out or bored to an unhealthy point, I come here and it always relaxes me", Ross answers. 

I doubt a park can relax me after everything that happened but it's better than being home alone so I don't question it.

I hear the familiar tinkling of an ice cream cart not far off. "Want ice cream?" Ross asks me.

"No", I say simply. I just wasn't in an ice cream mood.

"It'll make you feel better. Come on", he says and drags me over.

"Which flavor?"

"I really don't feel like eating ice cream now", I say. I feel like rolling up in a ball and hiding.

"Which flavor?"

"You really don't have to -"

"Which flavor?"

"Vanilla", I give up with a sigh. Normally I'd go for something more extravagant but not today.

Ross hands me the cone. I shouldn't be eating ice cream on my dead friend's birthday. It was against the BFF code.

He gently takes my wrist and leads it to my mouth. I poke the ice cream with my tongue. It tastes like nothing.

"Now we walk", he says and takes my hand. It surprises me how confidently he walks, even if he's said he's been here before.

"So do you want to talk about it?" he asks gently as I clutch my ice cream, making no move to eat it.

Maybe I should talk about it. Dr. K always lectured me that it was unhealthy for me to keep my feelings bottled. And there wasn't really anybody else I could tell. I'm sure Mere would listen but she wouldn't get it from my perspective. And Cami and I didn't really go into heavy subjects. Maybe I should get someone's insight into the whole thing before I drive myself mad. And it was only fair I tell him after he basically rescued me.

"We went to a New Years Party this year. Well, last year I guess. Me and Amber", I start, already struggling to keep my voice steady. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought.

"She didn't want to go. Well, I guess she did but she was worried her parents wouldn't let her. I forced her to come and told her mom we were doing math. I just thought she'd have fun." Guilt seeps through me and for a second I wonder what Ross would think after all this.

"I should never have made her go to the damn party. We didn't drink anything. We only drank coke. And they were from cans so I knew they weren't spiked." Melted ice cream starts dripping down my hand.

"We left like 5 minutes after the new year because I had to be home by 12:30 and it was a 20 minute drive", I say wobbily.

"And then, when we were... Coming back...it started raining...really hard. It was just pounding down so hard you couldn't see more than a yard in front of you... " I start to struggle to breath again and feel vaguely dizzy.

Ross wraps an arm around my shoulders when my footsteps become unsteady. "I get the picture. You don't have to explain", he says softly.

"No, you don't understand", I blurt. "Right before the car hit us, like two seconds before, Amber saw and screamed at me to swerve. But...but....I froze and I didn't react. If I had swerved the freakin' car two freakin' seconds earlier, none of this would have happened! She wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't be blind! Can't you see...this is all my fault! I MURDERED MY BEST FRIEND!!" I half wail, half scream. I crush my stupid ice cream cone into pieces before dropping it on the ground and leaning into Ross, sobbing my eyes out.