Prompt: Could you do one for Kai and Jin's first kiss in Jin's POV
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My fingers were lightly tracing the scars on Kai's legs as he spoke, his voice trembling with sorrow and rage. The scars were numerous, some from the accident and some from surgery. My fingers followed the lines of raised flesh the way they did to my own scars.
I always read in books that scars were beautiful. But there was nothing beautiful about Kai's scars or my scars. They were ugly, just reminders of the worst parts of our pasts.
But Kai wasn't ugly.
"My parents took him to court and he ended up paying most of my medical bills," Kai said, tears leaking down his cheeks as he finished telling me the story of his crippled leg.
I stood up, dropping his pant leg back down to hide his scars. Neither of us would ever be the same all because of other people.
Kai would never walk right. I would never feel right. His leg was crippled and my emotions were buried.
But his leg had been okay enough for them not to amputate it, and my emotions were still swirling somewhere deep inside of me. They were clawing at me now, trying to make me feel sad for Kai. He didn't deserve what had happened to him.
I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't.
But I didn't want to see him cry.
I reached and brushed a tear from his cheek. "We're all tragedies."
His hand moved up my collarbone, cupping the back of my neck. I knew what he was going to do a heartbeat before he did it, but I didn't pull away.
What would it be like to feel alive again?
He pulled me close and then our lips were meeting. My hands were already trembling from hunger, but now a new hunger emerged and they shook even harder. I placed them on his back, knotting my fists into his blue vest as I kissed him back.
I could remember the tears in my mother's eyes the first time she told me I had a fire in me that melted the snow of my soul. I'd fueled that fire with vodka and the emotions I didn't want to feel anymore.
But now it burned bright and out of control, slipping into my veins, heating my face. I'd tried so hard to tell myself I didn't care about any of them. Not Karson, not Lev, not Amelia, not Isaac, and especially not Kai.
How had he slipped through the walls I'd so carefully built since I was a child? Brick by brick, piece by piece, I'd put up walls so strong not even my parents could break through them. And yet here I was, kissing Kai, feeling something, feeling alive.
I thought making the CD would help me. I let music do the feeling for me, so I let it feel compassion for Kai and then I gave it away. To help him, to get rid of my own feelings, I didn't know.
It had crept up so slowly, a lone emotion slipping past the flames and into my heart. And now my mouth was locked with Kai's.
If I was going to slip, I might as well fall hard, right? So I kissed Kai with everything I could muster, with all the fire burning me alive, with every feeling I hadn't managed to repress.
Having something to love meant having something to lose, and my breath hitched with the excitement and the fear and the knowledge that this was my first kiss. And it was with Kai. Kai, who understood better than anyone why I'd become the boy I had. Kai, who told me the hard truth he'd endured in hopes that I wouldn't follow his lonely path. Kai, who was so angry, who had every reason to have given up on the world, who was using that anger to fight back and take his life back.
Kai. Kai. Kai.
Every wild heartbeat pumped his name through me. I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted it. I wanted it the way I used to want alcohol. But Kai's lips tasted so much sweeter than the bitter burn of liquor.
I drew his body to mine, feeling his tremble against me. We weren't Jin and Kai, we weren't Blue and Maroon, we were just a crackling blaze of stolen breaths and beating hearts.
I pulled away from him, my head dizzy with the lack of hair, my lips heavy with the feel of Kai's. I pressed my forehead against his, trying to get my sense of balance back. I looked down at his lips, the first lips I'd ever kissed.
And I shouldn't want it, but god, did I want to kiss them again and again until I forgot everything but the feel of him against me. I'd been careful at the Academy, making sure I had nothing to care about, nothing to lose. No weaknesses. It was an art I'd perfected over painful years.
Kai.
I dragged my gaze up to his eyes. "I still don't care." My voice was that impassive steadiness I'd buried myself in, but I felt like I'd never catch my breath again.
He pressed his hand against my chest, and I kept my expression the same as my heart slammed against his palm. "Don't lie to me, you asshole. Or else I'll tell everyone your hair is just a symbolism for pure snow."
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd managed the sound. "You're going to be the next target."
I kissed him again. I was going to drink this in until it became my downfall, just like I'd done with vodka for so long.
But unlike the vodka, I knew Kai wasn't just another distraction. It was one of those rare moments where I was glad for my sobriety, glad I hadn't been able to repress everything.
So I drew him up against myself again and kissed him. We were alone, and we'd have time to figure this out later.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
Kai. Kai. Kai.
The words twisted into my head, drowned out by the thud of my heart and the force of Kai's kisses. I was drunk on the force of it and there wasn't an ounce of shame in me.
Kai. I don't care. Kai. I don't care. Kai. I don't care.
I kissed him until it all blurred in my mind.
