The Entirely Truthful Observation Records of My Extra Ordinary Family

18: When is talking back ever a good idea?

Internet

On one recent occasion our internet crashed and the whole house kind of lost it.

[Third day without internet]

Mrs. Ordinary: Is the internet still down?

Me: Yup.

Mrs. Ordinary: Then why aren't you fixing it?

Me: Uh, because I know nothing about configuring it.

Mrs. Ordinary: Honestly, what is the point of getting a higher education if you can't even fix a simple internet crash?

Me: Mom, you're being unreasonable. Need I remind you that you also have a college degree but you can't fix the crash either?

Mrs. Ordinary: ...Alright, I'm sorry. I may have said too much.

Me: I forgive you.

Mrs. Ordinary [sighing]: I guess I'm a little worked up because of how bored I am.

Me: If you're that bored then why don't you watch an old DVD or something?

Mrs. Ordinary: I guess I can do that...hopefully the DVD player stills works.

[Fifth day without internet]

Still: Is the internet back yet?

Me: It shouldn't be since the repairman hasn't come by yet.

Still: Ugh. When will the repairman come? I'm dying here! It's so boring without an internet connection and I'm tired of just hanging out at the coffee shop to use their wifi. The baristas are starting to recognize me!

Mrs. Ordinary: I feel you. I'm out of DVDs to watch too!

Mr. Ordinary [eating a bag of chips]: Guys we had a life before internet you know.

Mrs. Ordinary: So?

Mr. Ordinary: So, it's possible to survive without an active internet connection.

Mrs. Ordinary: Those days were different! The times have changed!

Mr. Ordinary: But those past days weren't that bad. In fact, sometimes I miss them.

Still [miffed]: If you miss those days so much then why don't you walk to work from now on?

Mr. Ordinary: What?

Still: In the past you said you didn't have a car so you had to walk to work. So if you want to go back then why don't you walk to work from now on?

Mr. Ordinary: In the past I worked close to home so it was possible to walk! If I had to walk now it'd take me hours!

Still: You could still walk.

[Mr. Ordinary's phone gets a text.]

Me: Dad, you got a text.

Mr. Ordinary: Read it for me and tell me what it says. My hands are greasy from eating.

Me: It's from your phone provider and they said that your bill is ready.

Mr. Ordinary: Can you check my balance for me?

Me [reading]: Yeah, let's see...Oh my god, dad what did you even do this month? Your balance is over two hundred dollars.

Mr. Ordinary: What? How?

Me: Uh, they said you went over your cellular data allowance by a lot. Let me look at your records...Yeah, dad you used it way too much. I keep telling you, your plan doesn't come with unlimited data.

Still [reading over my shoulder]: Huh, according to this, you used your cellular data especially often in the past few days. Starting from the days when we didn't have internet. How curious. I thought you said you didn't need the internet.

Mr. Ordinary [indignantly]: I had to use it for work!

Still: Uh huh.

Mr. Ordinary: It's the truth! I wasn't on YouTube watching funny videos or anything!

Mrs. Ordinary: Sure.

Mr. Ordinary: I'm serious! [seeing everyone leaving] Hey, where are you guys going?

Mrs. Ordinary: I'm going to the bookstore nearby. They have free wifi.

Still: Take me with you!

Me: Me too! That bookstore sells some really good white chocolate.

Mrs. Ordinary: Alright.

Mr. Ordinary: Wait for me!

Mrs. Ordinary: Why? It's not like you need internet.

Mr. Ordinary: Can't I go to buy a book?

Mrs. Ordinary: Then you can take yourself. I only have room in my car for people who appreciate today's technology. [Swinging her keys] Bye bye.

Still: Later, dad!

Very: Bye, dad!

Mr. Ordinary: ...I don't have any allies in this house.

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Sweater

Mrs. Ordinary: Ahhh, this sweater doesn't fit right! Very, did we accidentally mix up our clothes again?

Me: Nope. I don't have a sweater like that.

Mrs. Ordinary: But this sweater seems smaller somehow...

Still: Maybe you just got bigger.

Mrs. Ordinary: ...There has to be another explanation.

[An hour later]

Mrs. Ordinary: I figured it out! When your grandfather was here, he did laundry with hot water! That's why everything shrunk! Ha! It wasn't me!

[One week later]

Mrs. Ordinary: Does this dress look snug on me? It's one of my favourite dresses and I wear it a lot to work but for reason it feels sort of tight today...

Still: Huh, it looks like it wasn't just grandpa's fault after all.

Mrs. Ordinary: ...