The Painter's Amour

His Affection

Chapter 21: His Affection

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” – Judy Garland

Julian Hartwell

“Still sulking I see.” Sam spoke behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder and there I met his doubtful expression with his arms crossed in his chest. Sulking he said? Well I don’t think so. I just wanted to be alone to clear my head and think things again.

“No I am not.” I withdrew my sight away from him and resumed on mopping the stoned floor clean.

It had been my odd habit once in a while to hold a mop whenever I feel the need to relieve stress and to put my mind in ease. Although even by doing so, I was still not free from the complicated things that were causing my heart to stir and my mind to be on its edge.

I don’t want my heart to be torn into two.

Was it too late? Was I too late to prevent that? I had been avoiding Lucas at all cost after that night and it had been a month since then. Every so often, he would talk to me during our duties here in the tavern but I did my best to ignore him because I wanted to stop myself from loving him.

However instead of not loving him like I desired, it only made myself ached for him more. I miss being with him.

“Really? Then why do you look so sullen?” I heard my adopted father talked behind me again but I dismissed his query.

“Is it about that rich boy?” he asked and that caught my attention. He probably thought that I was thinking about my lover again considering the cheerless mood I was in but not at all, rather it only made me remember him which made me dismayed of myself much more.

Forgive me, Dante. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. I sadly thought to myself.

“More or less.” were the words I simply said after taking a seat on the bar stool with the mop handle still in my grasp. I leaned my elbow on top of the bar counter before resting my chin on my free palm with my eyes closed.

“More or less?” he repeated my phrase and I blinked my eyes open to see Sam standing in front of me on the other side of the bar counter, pouring a drinking glass of Old Ale in which he served to me later on.

I stared at him for the longest time until I decided to open up to him. “I think... I’m in love with Lucas or maybe I already am.” I imparted to him as I traced my finger on the round rim of the glass.

“And you’re upset over something like that?” he mused.

“It’s not something like that. I am upset because I might hurt him. He is a good person and he did so many good things for me. I am simply not good for him.” I sighed while rubbing the back of my neck, getting more unsettled than a couple of minutes ago.

“Enough of it, Julian. It won’t help either if you keep on doubting yourself like that. Seriously what happen to the man who believes in himself and once stood up from his brother, the man who loves another person without any hesitation?” Sam returned a stern look at me.

He lit up a tobacco without looking away from me. “The man you’re talking about and the man sitting in front of you are two different people.” I replied lowering my eyes on the glass of ale on top of the bar counter.

“Exactly! That is what I’m talking about. Don’t change into someone you’re not.” he leaned in and pointed his burning tobacco in front of my face – it was as if he loathes the man I become.