She Coyote

*45. The Monster H

JUDE
Coyote walked beside me quietly as we left the cemetery. I found myself welcoming the absence of noise in the space between us. Of course the bustling of the world around us still echoed throughout the streets, but for some reason I didn't find them intrusive. Almost comforting. As if it reassured me that the whole world hadn't known what I had done. But my whole world did, Coyote. I wondered what she would think of me after this.

After the pause between us started to fade, I noticed her walking slower than usual, to the point where she was almost stopped behind me. I halted and turned around, but I didn't say anything. She was looking down at her feet. I couldn't tell if she was crying, I didn't think she was. I only saw her cry once, all those moons ago, when we first met. She was so different, I was so different. I couldn't tell if we both changed for the worse or for the better.

Finally she peeked her head up slightly, but not enough to look at me even remotely. "Who was that you were talking to?" She asked softly.

"My dad." I realized in that moment she had never met my dad or related to his awful brutality. In fact, she barely knew my mom or Jen. Or Jasper.

"What did he say?" She wondered aloud.

"I don't really wanna relive it, it's not a big deal." I tried to close the conversation up, because it wasn't something I really wanted to discuss. She understood that, offering up a small nod.

I reached down and grasped her tiny hand. "Are you sad?" I questioned her.

She nodded, it reminded me of a little kid. "But I'm trying not to be sad. I know this is so hard on you and I just want to be able to comfort you. But I'm...I just..."

"Hey, I'm gonna be fine. This sucks right now, but I gotta learn how to carry on." I was lying through my teeth. I knew I wasn't going to be able to deal with this, I know the wind wouldn't sweep away my guilt. I was left dealing with this alone. I dreaded walking through the doors of the apartment. I couldn't possibly go back there, surrounded by the furniture and walls that watched my brother die.

"I thought you said you were trying not to do that." She said.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Lie."

We were quiet. We both exhaled at the same time. We were in sync. She looked up and her eyes were dismal, I felt a pang of guilt. "I just want you to be okay." She finished in a small voice, the cold air stinging our faces and pulling out the red hues in our cheeks.

"Yeah, I want that too," I told her. Over the curve of her shoulder, a familiar face hung in the distance. Someone I hadn't seen in months. When I saw him it reminded me of the drugs we used to party with. His name was Sammy, he was a year older than me. He didn't look like a heroin addict, but he was. He was the kind that could fool you into thinking he was sober. I used to think I could, but I wasn't so sure anymore. He looked at me too, sad eyes. He urged me over with a quick movement of his head.

"Hey, um, you can just head home, I'll meet you there." I said, threading my fingers through the front of my hair.

"What? Why?" She suddenly seemed afraid, maybe she could sense the future. Maybe she was psychic.

"Well, I never got to say anything to my mom and I just feel like I have some unfinished business here, ya' know?" I shoved my hands in my pockets and rocked on my heels. I looked at Sammy and he was smoking a cigarette by a tree. "So, I'll just see you then, okay?" I leaned forward and kissed her, very briefly, very unmoving.

She nodded warily, eyes locked into my soul. "Be back before dark so I know you're okay."

"I'll be back way before then." I forced a cheap ass smile that fooled neither of us, then waved as I began shuffling around her. I should of hugged her, I guessed I still could have but I didn't.