She Coyote

*46. Revelations

COYOTE
Of all the Jude's I had gotten to know, heroin addict Jude was my least favorite. In fact, I hated him, with a burning, pulsing fury. He wasn't active anymore, to the point I was afraid that if the drugs didn't kill him, lack of water or food or the sun would.

Four weeks had passed since the funeral, and every single day for him was spent sprawled out on either the couch or the bed, barely breathing. He told me he got the dope from a friend of his, but he didn't tell me which friend. I wondered if it was Bobcat. I hadn't talked to her since I saw her last. I figured I probably should reconnect with her, it wasn't fair of me to cut her out of my life completely. I just hoped she was doing okay.

Jude hardly spoke to me, unless it was to beg me for money. He didn't have any, and he needed it to buy his shit. I always gave in and gave it to him, because the love I had buried deep down within my heart always managed to creep through into my brain, muddying my judgement.

There was this constant panic that radiated throughout me whenever I left for work. I never wanted to leave him alone, because my biggest, most present fear, was coming home to him dead. But he managed to survive for an entire month so far, so I trusted him when he told me he knew how much he could handle.

I would lie next to him in bed, sometimes he would be sober. Sometimes, most of the time, he wouldn't be. I remembered coming home and feeling immediately exhausted, so I climbed under the covers beside him. He stirred a little, he was down. I wanted to savor this brief moment of sobriety, this rare, delectable fraction of pure bliss. I kissed his cheek, he exhaled through his nose. "How are you feeling?" I whispered.

"Tired," he responded, lacking emotion.

"Fall asleep with me," I said.

"I should shoot up," He told me, groggily.

"Why? Just come lay with me." I could hear the whining in my voice, the subtle desperation.

"I can't sleep without it." He tried to reason.

"You used to. What changed?"

"I did." He said and shuffled out from beneath the sheets. I realized that he really did change. Not only because of the drugs, but his whole personality, the fire behind his eyes changed. There was no more fire, he was empty.

As the days went on, it seemed like he lost more and more of himself. I would find needles scattered around the house, like he just didn't even care anymore. I had almost completely lost faith in him. It was sad to think about, but it was the truth. I couldn't blame him, I would probably change for the worse too after what happened to him.

I would leave for work, terrified. The crunch beneath my feet from the tightly packed down snow would go unheard. The high pitched screech of tires skidding to an abrupt halt wouldn't phase me. I was absorbed in this world Jude had created for me; this world of fear and of chaos, that to anyone else wouldn't seem like chaos. It was a calm, simmering chaos that soon would erupt and turn everything we built together into ashes. I wasn't ready for that day to come, and it broke my heart knowing Jude was the only one who could divert this path of eventual destruction, but wouldn't.

As I pulled into the book store's parking lot, I spotted one of the girls hanging around the side of the building. It didn't surprise me, this was a usual spot to grab some cheap pills.

She saw me too, called me over. I sighed, but obliged.

"Haven't seen you around lately." Jaguar reached out to me and guiding her limp, morphine filled arm around me. It made me wonder if everyone in the world was an addict.