She Coyote

33. Goodbye

COYOTE
Jude stood at the entrance of my apartment with his hands delved deep within his pockets. His face was somber, slightly distressed. I could sense the hostility in the air as he managed to somehow look at anything that wasn't me.

"Do you have everything?" I asked, though my voice was lacking the warmness I wanted to present.

He kicked his shoe softly against the creaking floor, shrugging. "I don't have anything." He said and I fell silent. I felt like he meant more than earthly possessions. Maybe I was really all he had. Some part of me was in misery, thrown to the floor in a weeping mess, wanting to beg him to stay. The other part of me knew this was for our own good. Or at least I used to believe that.

I cleared my throat quietly, my eyes cast to the floor. "Call me when you get to Bobcat's." I said without thinking. It was just something to fill up the empty, voiceless space. Jude was annoyed, and sad, but I think mostly sad. Maybe he was so sad that it annoyed him. I wasn't sure.

"I'm not gonna call you." He said. "That defeats the purpose of keeping our distance."

"I know, I just..."

"It's fine, I'm just...not happy that I have to leave." He exhaled loudly, running a hand through his hair. "It sucks, you know. You're my best friend."

"I wish it could stay that way, but...you've made your choice." I could hardly hear myself speak, my voice was so soft and broken. I felt like a monster, but it wasn't me that was tearing us apart. It wasn't Jude either.

"I know..." he returned, keeping a steady stare at his feet. I wanted to watch his eyes travel up to meet mine. I wanted to hold his gaze and watch the universe inside his irises spin and turn. He had the most beautiful eyes, trapped in front of a fucked up mind, a mind that willed him to be controlled by powder and needles; a mind that made him choose drugs over me. I wasn't okay.

"I'll miss you...and stuff." I forced myself to admit, my hand grasping my bicep.

He couldn't hold in the quick laugh that burst through his parted lips. I saw him smile. "...and stuff." He repeated. He lowered his eyes and then said in a gentle, soft voice, "I'll miss you, too."

"Please understand that—"

"I know, I know, you care about me, this is just what needs to happen, no drugs for Coyote, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera..." He scratched his arm and it reminded me of the heroin and the grim reaper and of sunsets that could have been beautiful but there were too many clouds covering them up.

"I realize this is pretty shitty, especially after you had to carry me home because of how doped up I was, but that's...I honestly don't think I would have done that if..."

"If what? If I wasn't here?" He seemed offended at the words, though he guessed the ending of my sentence incorrectly. I then and there realized he hadn't known about my run in with Anthony.

Anthony.

He was in town. He probably knew where I lived. Would he come after me? Maybe it was safer to have Jude here than not. Maybe drugs weren't really the issue here.

I was too caught up in my thoughts that I failed to provide an answer. Jude crossed him arms, inhaling deeply. "I get it, no worries," he brushed it off, the lack of emotion in his tone somehow scaring me more than anger or sadness. He looked as if he was ready to spin around on his heels and walk out of my life. I wanted to jut my arm out and grab him and yank him back. I wanted to tell him how beautiful he was, how if he was a painting he would be a weeping willow with broken branches painted the color gray, if he were the water I'd want to drown in him, that if he were a sin I'd be happy to commit. I wanted to commit to him. I just knew he wasn't ready to commit to me.