Like I Do - Camren

Chapter 10

It was starting to get late, and it was our last night in the hotel. We had just gotten back from dinner and the girls all gathered into Dinah, Normani, and Ally's room. I laid on my back in the wide open area on a white fluffy rug. I was spread like a star just staring up, deep into thought. Yesterday and today had been mostly good days for me, but now I was catching up with myself. I blinked slowly, thinking about what the girls would do if they found me cutting again. I seriously thought of it tonight. In a way, the physical pain helped with the emotional pain. It was hard to explain, but it felt good to know that I could still feel, and that I wasn't completely numb yet.

"Hey, Camz. Whatcha thinkin' about?" I hear Lauren's voice and feel someone sit next to me. I shrug. "Just stuff." I reply. "Hm. What stuff?" She asks, laying her head in my arm. I refrain from flinching at the pain and just soak the feeling in. She has no idea what was going on. She is the only one, and I can't say it's a bad thing. "You." I look over and study her face, which turns red in blush. "What about me?" She asks. "Just that you are the only one who doesn't look at me differently, because you don't know what's going on." I say, and see the blush goes away. I look back up. "Well, even if I did know I wouldn't look at you differently. No matter what it was, I would still feel the same way towards you." She says. "Really? And how exactly do you feel about me?" I ask. She gulps lightly and bites her lip. "Y-you're my best friend. I love you." She shrugs. I sigh. Being friend zoned is the worst. Ok, fine. I admit I may have a slight crush on her. And by slight...... well, you get the point. "Well, I love you too." I say.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before the girls set their phones down. "So, we should play a game." Mani says, sitting on the rug by us. We sit up and everyone sits criss-cross in a circle with us. "What game?" I ask. "Never have I ever, because guess who got the drinks." Mani squeals, pulling a glass bottle out from behind her. "Oh"s are heard from the girls and I hide a grin. A drink could be good right now. I never ever want to turn to alcohol for my problems but once in a while it wouldn't hurt.

The game starts with Ally first. "Never have I ever...... Kissed a girl." She smirked while looking at Lauren. "No fair, don't just target one person!" Lauren says while grabbing the bottle and taking a sip from it. She coughs and makes a face, before shaking her head. It was Dinah next, because she was next to Ally, then Lauren, then me, then Mani. "Ok..... Never have I ever been with a girl." She smirked at Lauren. "Fuck you guys." Lauren scowled and drank again. I chuckled and she looked over at me "You too?" She asks, shaking her head playfully. "M'kay. Your turn Lo." Dinah says. "Hm.... Never have I ever...... Loved pizza as much as Camz." She looked at me with a smirk. I looked around and everyone was giggling. "Fine." I grabbed the bottle from Lauren and took a huge gulp. I set it down and shook my head, letting the liquid burn going down my throat. Everyone looked at me with wide eyes and Dinah's had a hint of worry. "Ok. My turn. Never have I ever had my first kiss." I smirked at them all while they all started to object. "Not a word! Drink!" I passed the bottle around. "Nice play, Camz." Lauren scoffed at me with a smile. After everyone drank it was Mani's turn. "Ok, never have I ever had a crush on Ed Sheeran." She looked mainly at me and Lauren. We both drank and so did Ally. "What? He's hot!" She said. "Well, my crush on him ended. I have a new celebrity crush. And NO! I'm not telling." I crossed my arms, and giggled. "You can't just say that and not tell!" Mani squealed. "Watch me." I huffed.

The game came to an end soon so no one would get drunk. Sadly for me, though, because the alcohol that was in my veins made me feel extra depressed because I was still completely conscious of what was going on. No one was really affected by the alcohol, though. I decided I was ready for bed and hugged the girls goodnight. Dinah checked to make sure I was fine and then let me leave.

I got into my room and headed straight to the bathroom. I took a nice cold shower and then got dressed in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, even though the room was pretty warm. I sat with the bathroom door open and held the blade, contemplating if I should do what I was thinking I should do. Dinah would be disappointed. But by now I was used to disappointing people. I could just end it all right now. The only problem was that I was too scared of failing again, and I would be forced into the crazy house, which I definitely didn't want.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had already rolled both sleeves up and peeled the bandages off. I wasn't going to do it just yet, but I needed something to take the inner pain away. I cut over the already cut skin that didn't have stitches. It hurt, a lot. But that was fine. I cut a few times, then ran out of room not wanting to break the stitches and go to the hospital. I moved to the next arm and started to do the same thing when I heard the door open. I jumped up to the sink to try and hide what I had done, but it was too late. She saw.