"I HATE HER"

30

Karlie new that she was driving too fast, way too fast. Her foot was on the gas, laying there like a brick. Yet it wasn't fast enough for her. It wasn't enough speed, she couldn't get away quickly to enough, from the people, the buildings, everything. But the worst part was that something would be always following her. Something would always be there, every damn second of her stupid life. She could drive as fast as she could, as far as she wanted to. She could drive endlessly, but there was no escape from her thoughts. 

Bugging her like parasites ready to break every single part of her. In any sense she felt pain. It wasn't the kind you could use painkillers for. It wasn't the kind that was caused by physical issues. This pain was mental. And yet it just hurt as much as real one. No bullet could beat the strength of her own stupid thoughts. Hurting every stupid sense of her. Ruining everything she ever built. 

Even the alcohol hadn't helped. The empty bottle was only rolling around on the cars floor making quiet sounds every now and then. A reminder of how bad her situation was. Of how bad the pain was. She had bought it shortly after picking up Taylors glasses from the hospital. From there she went to the next best gas station and bought herself the next best bottle of alcohol. Hoping for it to numb things out. Needless to say, it didn't. Not even the slightest.

The radio of her car was playing loudly. A song, saved on her phone. It was Car Radio, by twenty one pilots. How ironic. How painfully ironic. 

Slowly she felt dizziness creeping up. This wasn't good. This was so not good. Shit.

It wasn't the alcohol, flooding in her veins, she didn't have to be sober to drive. Okay maybe a little. But mostly it was the blinding pain, the blinding fear. Tearing down her carefully build up walls like they were made out of simple wrapping paper. It hurt so much. 

And suddenly she just got it. Normally any song written by the two boys were like unsolvable riddles to her. She knew they were metaphors. She knew that there was something to find. But she never managed to be successful in any way, mainly because she hadn't have cared. Until now. Until she got it. 

It hadn't had to do anything with her sitting in a car. After all the radio was playing loudly. She suddenly understood what they were trying to say. That you weren't able to ignore your own thoughts anymore. 

Her car radio has been stolen as well, the distraction was gone. There was nothing between her own mind and herself. No border, no walls, not even the tiniest fence. There were only her and the never ending pain caused by her own self, a prison you couldnt escape from. She was caged in her mind. Her painful, awful, bloody mind.

She was so sick of it. Sick of days after days of pain. She was tired of waking up, not feeling happy. Not feeling good. She wanted it to stop. Why couldn't it finally stop? 

And now it was only worse than on every other day. Suddenly there was nothing that could distract her from the pain anymore. No events, no alcohol, no sex. There were just Karlie, her thoughts and the pain they brought her. Stabbing into her chest like a knife. Over and over. Nothing there to stop. 

"Fuck.", Karlie yelled. First it was nothing more than a whisper, then the swearing got louder until she started yelling. "FUCK."

But it didn't help. She still wasn't okay. Her situation wasn't okay. Her life wasn't okay. Her thoughts weren't okay.  Nothing was okay. 

With a quick pull of the steering wheel Karlie drove onto the side of the road and almost immediately buried her hands in her hair, pulling the roots tightly. An attempt to block out the mental pain by replacing it with physical one. "I am okay.", she told herself. "I am okay. I am okay. I am fucking okay."