anxiety.

prologue.

it's hard to explain the reason why i am like i am today. i've heard stories from others who have anxiety like mine and they lived through traumatic events or awful experiences. nothing of that sort ever happened to me, nothing led me to be the way i am. i just have bad anxiety, i guess.

they say that when you have an anxiety attack, your body goes into your fight or flight response. it's the same response your body produces when you're in great danger. it's scary. i guess that explains why i can never focus when i'm extremely anxious or sleep or function at all.

my parents don't believe me when i tell them i have anxiety. they believe i have no reason to be anxious, which although may be true, doesn't stop me from worrying all the time. none of my friends know either. it's just something i don't like to make public information. i don't know if it's because i'm embarrassed or because i don't want the extra attention, but something leads me to lock it up inside my brain.

i've tried to get help but my attempts have failed. with my parents not believing me, i can't get treatment. i need their sign off on the consent form. but i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i feel it killing me.

i stress out over unrealistic scenarios and my fears are nothing short of irrational. i get anxious over little things, and big things, everything, really. school makes me the most anxious. i try to avoid having anxiety attacks during school or in public. it doesn't always work, but sometimes i can keep it confined to the comfort of my room.

anxiety attacks are the worst part of it all. my heart speeds up so fast that it might as well just beat right out of my chest. my breathing gets ragged and sometimes its like, i can't even breathe at all. if its really bad, i'll get black spots in my vision. i get worried that one day i'll faint from having a big anxiety attack.

i once read somewhere that people who have severe anxiety are more at risk for heart problems when they're older. it's something about putting extra strain on your heart because it beats so fast. i know that's destine to happen to me but i don't want that to be me.

i do a lot of research about my anxiety. i read stuff i probably shouldn't and unnecessarily freak myself out more. but i have no one to tell me these things so i have to find out for myself. i have to be there because no one else is.

i wish i wasn't like this, but i can't control it. i wish i could calm myself down and i wish i wouldn't let my anxiety spiral out of control. i need help. i can't do it all by myself, not anymore. it's too much too handle, i'm too much to handle. i'm a mess. no one wants a mess. no one wants the burden of the girl with anxiety. no one wants me.

i question myself, i doubt myself, i beat myself up. i'm fine one moment and anxious the next. i'm trying to get better, but nothing is working.

my anxiety has ruined just about everything good in my life. it's messed with my mind, my grades, my friends... i need it to stop. i need to stop.

my name is scarlett westfield. yes, scarlett, like the color.

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have you ever had the overwhelming desire to care for someone you barely know? i just had the urge to talk to her. it was the strangest thing, the way i had an urge to protect her. and i didn't even know her.

she was the girl with the dark brown hair and matching chocolate eyes who nervously rubbed her wrists and twirled her hair into little curls. and she was undeniably the smartest girl in the class. no one pays her any attention, but i payed attention.

i saw the way she'd grip her desk during school. her grip was so hard, her knuckles turned pale.

i noticed how she would tug on the bottoms of her sleeves and pull them over her hands when she talked to others. it wasn't often that she spoke.

and i could hear how fast her breathing got sometimes. the sound was faint, but i heard it nonetheless. her chest would rise and fall quickly.

it was easy to miss if you didn't pay close attention to her. but i paid attention.

she has anxiety and she thought no one knew. but i knew.

i saw her, i saw her, and god, i wanted to help her. i want to know what's going on in that pretty mind of hers.

i need to gain her trust but i wouldn't even know where to begin. this sounds insane, but i just wanted to ease her anxiety. i could help her, i know it. she doesn't have to go through this alone.

and the strangest thing yet is i would do all of this for a girl whose name i don't even know.

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a/n

lowercase intended.
coming soon.