anxiety.

twenty-two.

"let's just say we're inches apart, even closer at heart, and we'll be just fine."

mason.

maybe it came out wrong. maybe i said some things i didn't mean, but she was being stubborn, irrational, close-minded. my words went in one of her ears and right out the other. it's like she was choosing to ignore the advice i had to offer her. now, my intentions were not to pressure her into doing something she was uncomfortable doing, not by any means. i wanted her to get better, there was no situation where i didn't want that for her. i cared for and wanted scarlett just as much now as i did that first day in the hallway.

maybe there would come a day where we wouldn't be together anymore. by random odds of the universe, we'd stand apart from one another. that is why, i needed her to get better. not so that i wouldn't have to deal with her anxiety. i'd deal with her anxiety until the day i died, if it meant i would get to love her for that long. otherwise she needed to learn how to handle her anxiety on her own, for herself, for her health, for her future wellbeing. i told her that i would go with her if that's what she needed. i didn't understand why she didn't want to get better. it seemed as if she wanted to be stuck in the same never ending cycle of anxiety forever.

maybe if i had been on top of skylar as much as i am with scarlett, she would have never tried to commit suicide. two years ago today, she stood over the counter of her bathroom with a bottle of pills in her hand contemplating the worth of her life. i had noticed the date on my laptop when scarlett had asked how long she had been sleeping for, which ultimately was what prompted me to ask scarlett about trying therapy again.

there were a lot of maybes i could bother myself with, but the only thing that mattered was the right now. maybe if i didn't blow up on her, she wouldn't be unconscious on my living room floor.

- - -

"you're being irrational, you're not even thinking about what i'm saying!" i argued with her as she sprinted down my stairs. she was so ready to walk out when i was just trying to reason with her. she always walks away from her problems instead of putting on a brave face and dealing with them. i was so angry at her for yelling at me when all i was trying to help her. all i ever do is try to help her! she turned around to look at me from the bottom of the staircase, her face was noticeably paler, even under all those tears.

"you're the one who took on the challenge of dating a mentally-ill girl and is now getting mad at her for being mentally-ill!" she shouted. that wasn't true, i would never be angry at scarlett for her mental illness. she began to wobble on her feet before she collapsed.

i raced down the stairs to catch her but it was too late. her head slammed against the marble floor producing a loud bang, making me cringe. i picked her up bridal style and grabbed an ice pack, resting her on the couch with the ice on the back of her head. i quickly dialed my dad's number, beginning to freak out at the possibility of a head injury. i rambled the full story to him, starting with her fever, moving on to our fight, and then how she fainted after running down the stairs. he reassured me that she most likely had a minor concussion from hitting her head and should wake up within the next few hours.

lord, will she be pissed when she wakes up to find out that she never left my house. i lightly poked her arm to see if that would wake her up but she remained unconscious. i began to think of what i would say to her when she woke up.

'i'm sorry for blowing up on you.' no mason, you're not sorry, you had the right to get heated. she constantly chooses not to listen to you.

'i only want what's best for you.' i think she knows that mason, that's not going to make her any less mad.

'you don't have to go if you don't want to.' no she needs to go, stop letting her get out of it. stick to your ground. this will be good for her. think about skylar, how you never helped her. are you really gonna let the same thing happen to scarlett?