anxiety.

forty. + new book!

"you taught me the courage of stars before you left. how light carries on endlessly, even after death."

scarlett.

recovery was a strange process that took me on a rollercoaster of different emotions. i was nervous and terrified for myself at first, then became very anxious, but now i feel grateful. i'm grateful to be alive, grateful that the cops showed up the moment they did, and especially grateful for mason. if it weren't for him and connor, i would've died in that basement from andrew's torture. my gratitude has kept me grounded lately. it's hard to feel anything but happy when you start appreciating aspects of life, even the small things.

there's been only one thought consuming my mind for the past few weeks. last time mason and i talked about this, he brushed it off like every other time i brought it up. he has yet to answer the question of america yet. how could i not be worried? it's so far away, perhaps even too far. i would never want to hinder mason's dreams, but him living in another country made me feel uneasy. a gross lump rests in the back of my throat as i think of this horrible thought.

prom is tonight and graduation is to follow in a few days. mason had to be making his decision soon. or worse, he's already made his decision and has yet to tell me. i don't know how much longer i could handle this agony of not knowing. the anticipation felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

"hello! earth to scarlett!" skylar grabbed my attention by waving her magazine in front of my face.

the two of us we're currently sitting under the dryers at the salon, getting myself ready for tonight while skylar just came because she's a beauty queen.

"i keep zoning out, sorry. i have a lot on my mind." i sighed.

she looked at me and said one word, "spill."

"it's mason." i began. "i can't stop fretting over where he's going to school. what if our relationship can't handle overseas?"

"your relationship can survive anything with the way you guys love each other. don't even  worry about that girl, enjoy what you have right now. tonight is prom and you can't even lie that you haven't been bursting with excitement for this day. we both know mason has planned something over the top romantic planned for - oh my gosh!" she gasped, quickly covering most of her face with her magazine.

i followed her eyes to a boy walking by and a smile crept up on my face. as he walked past us, she lowered the cover from blocking her face. i teased her, "ooh sky, who's that?"

she couldn't stop herself from grinning at the thought of this boy as she folded up her magazine and placed it back on the table. "his name is grayson. he's only the cutest boy in our entire grade."

"it's so cute to be young and in love, isn't it?" i observed.

"you're the only one in love. grayson has a girlfriend, i won't even let myself like him." she stated.

"you'll find a boy who loves you one day, sky. he's out there, trust me."

i stared at the wall of nail polishes organized by color, having a hard time deciding on a shade. skylar urged me to do red to match my dress and i agreed. she continued to tell me her school gossip while we sat with our hands extended in front of us. it all seemed so trivial, but i bet i was like that when i was in middle school too. how weird it felt to almost be graduating, it was almost unreal.

"can i tell you something?" she lowered her voice, leaning over to my seat.

"of course." i responded.

"i think one day mason is gonna marry you."

i made sure skylar got home safely after our appointments ended and went home to finish getting ready myself. i just picked up my dress from getting altered and steamed at the dry cleaners. with only having my makeup left to do and plenty of time to do it, everything seemed to fall perfectly into place. mason would arrive any minute now i thought as i looked myself over in the mirror. the satin of my dress fell perfectly around my figure and i felt like a princess for the first time in my life.