anxiety.

thirty-four.

"but even after all our history, we've barely caught a glimpse of what it means."

scarlett.

three words: this. fucking. sucks. (please excuse my vile language.)

it was almost as if i had forgotten what living in a world without mason was like. considering i was not talking to the two most important people in my life, i was beyond lonely — not just lonely, but also extremely upset and frustrated. i refuse to let go of my belief that i did nothing wrong because that's the truth. i refuse to let myself cave in and run back to mason after how he hurt me. i was stronger than this. i could get through anything.

but this had proven to be the most difficult thing to get through. seeing him everyday at school is painful. we sit right next to each other in two classes, yet we pretend that each other do not exist. same thing goes for passing each other in the hallways. no eye contact, no words, no gestures, nothing is happening between us at all. we're like complete strangers and watching your soulmate turn into someone you don't know is inevitably the most painful thing of it all.

how can i even sit here and use the word 'soulmate'? i didn't know what we were anymore. perhaps, we were nothing at all now.

i missed the sound of his heartbeat thumping in my ear as i laid across his chest. i missed the feeling of his hands roaming through my hair. i missed feeling secure and like i was protected from any harm in my way. i felt vulnerable, ready to break down at any moment. i've lost countless nights of sleep due to my worsened state of constant anxiety.

the one thing i'm not going to do is let our breakup destroy me, even though it feels like my insides have been ripped out from my torso. i needed to rise above my feelings. that means i have to carry one with my life as it was pre-meeting mason, except there was one part of my life that was different now: i go to therapy. to be more exact, i have a therapy session in a half an hour and it was my first time going without mason by my side to hold my hand.

initially, the thought of going to therapy really did terrify me. but now i have learned to feel comfortable with dr. kersey, and i almost sort of like it? like is most definitely the wrong word. most times therapy is exhausting and hard, but i can't help but enjoy the aspect that i can say anything and know that it won't ever be used against me or be judged for it. even though i reached that level of comfort with mason, there was always that part of my conscience that wanted to avoid talking about my problems with him in fear that i'd be annoying.

this was different. i was not in a romantic relationship with dr. kersey, but he wasn't a complete stranger anymore. plus, he saved me when i fainted on the side of the street and took care of me. it was his job to help me, never masons. the worst part about going to therapy now is admitting that mason was right in regards that it is helpful.

at least he was already aware that mason and i were separated and i wouldn't have to go through the whole heart-wrenching explanation again. i let out a breath i didn't realize i was holding on to. i could do this, i repeated as a mantra as i turned the keys in the ignition of the car. usually, mason was the one driving because he didn't want me to have to worry about anything.. i need to stop thinking about him. my eyes started to tear and eventually the build up of water was so much that i had to let a tear slip to avoid the sting.

how am i still crying after that severe humiliation? i love him, that's why. i hate admitting it but i can't hold this feeling in my heart any longer. even if i was subjecting myself to vulnerability, even if i did get hurt, i had grown a love for mason that was like nothing else in my life. it was a force stronger than two stars colliding, and it's hard to think that i may have lost it somehow. maybe sometimes we need to lose things to rediscover them all over again. i shook my head, there was no forgiving about to be happening.