Dreamer. [joshler]

four. Substitute

-Tyler-

I woke up bright an early that morning, skipping breakfast. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door for class, locking it behind me. Everything was just the same as it was yesterday, same beautiful skies, same smell, same cars, same everything. But something didn't settle right in my stomach when I walked into the studio today. I walked up to the front desk and gave the lady my name, it was a different lady this time. She was a little older and had black hair. She looked up at me blankly and I smiled at her, she never smiled back.

"Mr. Dun couldn't make it in today so your substitute will be Mr. Beaker." She spoke, her voice raspy.

I felt my smile fade into a frown, that's why it didn't feel right when I walked in.

"He's right down that hallway sir," she pointed a bony finger down the hallway.

I followed it until I found a door with Josh's name on it, part of me expected to find him though I knew he wasn't behind it. I pushed it open quietly and walked in, the room looked different. A few desks were scattered about, an older man stood in front of them.  He pointed for me to sit in one of them when he noticed me walk in. I silently sat down and waited for him to speak. He just stared at me like I was stupid.

"Well, get your camera out."

He startled me and I scrambled to pull my camera out. This was going to be a long class.

-

I didn't learn much in class today, it was mostly just me being angrily yelled at for not paying attention. Now here I am sitting on my little couch, staring at the piece of paper Josh gave me yesterday. I wanted to call him to see if he's ok but I didn't know if that would make him uncomfortable, he did say I could call him if I wanted to talk. I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and began typing in the digits. It rang a couple times and I was close to hanging up but right when I was about to he answered.

"Hello?" Josh's voice was groggy, he sounded sleepy.

"Um, h-hey it's Tyler."

"Oh hey Tyler, what do you need?" his voice lightened and his expression seemed to lighten a little too.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Just wondering if you w-were ok that's all, you weren't at the studio today." I still felt nervous.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. Wasn't feeling too great." He sounded somewhat unsure of his own words.

It was quiet for a moment, for a second I thought he had hung up. Eventually I spoke up,

"Well I hope you feel bet-" but he cut me off.

"No don't hang up-uh, just tell me about your day or something." He sounded desperate.

I felt confused.

"Ok..." taking a deep breath, I began telling him about how my day went.

-Josh-

I put the call on speaker and set my phone down on my coffee table, placing my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. Numerous papers littered around the phone, pen dangling from between my fingers. Just hearing Tyler's voice made me less anxious, no matter what he was talking about. I might've lied and told him I was sick when in reality I've been stressing all day over bills, not getting any sleep at all. I felt bad for abandoning him on his second class, I'll make his third class extra special to make it up. I'm over thinking, he probably doesn't even care.

I closed my eyes and listened to him talk, smiling when he started gushing about how he thought a bird with a French fry he saw this morning was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

"I mean it's little beak and the big French fry and it's beaty eyes and it just looked so tiny and chubby and-" he stopped abruptly.

"Sorry I'm rambling." He mumbled softly, I could barely hear him.

"No no, continue! It's ok I don't mind at all-please continue," I tried not to sound so desperate but failed miserably.

It was quiet for a second before he started talking again. Now he talked about a squirrel he saw on a park bench this morning and how he wanted a pet squirrel. I laughed lightly, making sure he didn't hear and take it the wrong way. His voice was sweet and gentle, I'm sure he could calm anyone with no effort. He sure did calm me with ease, I didn't feel as stressed as I did before he called. I decided to give up on tangling with mathematical problems and trying figuring out how to pay my bills, laying down across my couch and pulling the small blanket I had over me. I moved my phone closer so I could hear Tyler better.

-

It had been a while and Tyler was still rambling on, breaking every now and then to see if I was ok with it. My eyelids started getting heavy, his voice was lulling. I yawned, thinking he couldn't hear me. But it seems he did, he stopped and sighed.

"Goodnight Josh,"

"No-"

"It's getting late, get some rest. You need it, feel better."

"Wait-just a few more minutes, please? Just until I fall asleep," I begged tiredly.

He sighed defeatedly and started speaking again. I smiled satisfyingly and closed my eyes. After only a few minutes I had drifted off to sleep, but it felt like hours. The best hours.

-

-Tyler-

After I figured Josh was asleep I hung up. I didn't understand why he wanted me to talk to him so badly, but I didn't complain. I was hoping he'd be back tomorrow to teach, class was boring without him. I plugged phone into my charger and got ready for bed, the same old. For a moment I thought about texting Ian, but I didn't. I set my phone on my nightstand and pulled the covers over me. There was no point in texting him, he would just get mad. I wasn't aloud to talk to him until I thought I was ready, or until he thought I was ready. It made me sad.

But I'd call him sometimes, a few times I've chickened out and hung up before he could answer. I'd get too nervous he get mad at me. The few times he did pick up he sounded tired and somewhat annoyed, out conversations never lasted long. It would always be awkward silence and then him just hanging up. Nothing was the same anymore. We used to talk for hours, we got along so well. We were like best friends, we knew each other so well. But then he began to grow distant, sometimes he wouldn't touch me or look at me. He'd always make last minute rain checks whenever I wanted to go out, he never had a good reason why.

And then one day he finally pushed me away, telling me we needed space. He was calm about it at first but I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, I kept begging him and asking if he was joking. Then he just snapped. He told me what he had bottled up in him, how he hated the way I looked. He told me how I needed to lose weight if I ever thought about getting near him again, he said he was embarrassed to be with me. At the time I didn't think I was fat at all, I ate right and I ate appropriate portions. But now whenever I look in the mirror it's like I'm looking at a mistake, a smudge. Now I can't ever seem to get skinny, at least not enough for Ian.

But I've learned to keep a positive outlook on things, I've been pushing away those memories and thoughts of Ian. I won't let some small issue stand in my way of keeping a smile on my face. I closed my eyes and listened to the quiet air, the small hum of cars on the road. It was all so relaxing, lulling me to sleep. After a while of just nothing but silence I fell asleep, excited for tomorrow's class.