104 days.
Today was the first day of finals and today I would see Taehyung after avoiding him all this time. No matter how many days, weeks, months passed by he would never forget to message me everyday. I had left slightly earlier so there would be no chance of us meeting on the walk to school, knowing how it would go.
When I arrived at the gates I quickly rushed in, heading to my locker and throwing my things inside and grabbing out my pencil case. I rushed to the exam hall, sitting in my assigned seat as I waited for people to begin flooding in. That was when I saw him for the first time properly since that night. His hair was messy and untamed, dark circles around his eyes and his skin pale. Had I done that to him? His gaze scanned the room, looking through each seat until he landed on me. His eyes were sad and pleading, I could tell how badly he wanted to come over to me but he couldn't. I turned my face away and broke the stare, my head facing down.
Make him hate you, it will be easier.
The examiners began reading the script out to the students who all now sat silently in the hall, our papers sitting in front of us.
"You may now begin" an examiner said, causing the sound of paper flipping to fill the room. The test went by slowly, every minute was agonisingly long. When the test ended each row was let out at a time, luckily my seat being dismissed first. I quickly left the hall without looking in his direction and fled the school, after the exam had finished there was no point in me being there so I went home and stayed there until the next day.
-
Four out of the five exams I had already sat, everyday I would get in early and spend most of the day avoiding him. I would enter the hall and take my exam, then I would leave to go home straight away. I made it so he couldn't have a chance to speak to me, letting him build hatred toward me would be so much easier than the pity or heartbreak it would cause me when he found out I was sick. I couldn't hide that from him if we were together, so this is what I was left with.
After sitting the final exam I left the hall, pushing the heavy wooden doors open and walking down the halls to my locker. My hands typed in the code and twisted it open, pulling out my belongings. I closed the locker door and rested my head against it, calming myself down as best as I could. I inhaled deeply and walked down the hall, adjusting my bag as I made my way to the front gates. A force on my shoulders made me stumble back, strong hands pulling me into an empty dark class room. The door closed and I squinted in the dark, making out the figure who had dragged me here. The lights flickered on making me squint and cover my eyes at the brightness.
"Areum why have you been ignoring me?" He said, his deep voice instantly recognisable. My hand still covered my eyes, I couldn't look at him. I stayed silent, unable to talk in case he could hear my voice cracking.
"Areum?" He repeated, his hand slowly pulling down mine.
"Leave me alone Taehyung" I said, in a low whisper with my eyes looking away.
"Please Areum what did I do wrong?" He said, the sadness evident in his voice. I went to walk past him to the door but he blocked it, pressing me gently up against the wall.
"Please just say something" he pleaded, tears starting to well in his eyes.
"Go away, don't you get it?" I said, making my voice sound as cold as I could.
"Areum what's going on with you?"
"I don't like you Taehyung"
I love you
"Leave me alone"
I'm sorry
His face registered hurt and he moved away, creating a large distance that made me break a little inside. He nodded slowly, wiping away tears on his cheeks.
"I guess I don't know you anymore" he said, his voice cold and empty. He turned his back on me, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. My back slid down against the wall, my legs too weak to hold me. This was what I wanted so why did it feel so wrong? It hurt so much to lie to his face and watch him break in front of me. I stood up shakily and brushed down my skirt, wiping away stray tears that I hadn't realised were falling. I rushed out of the school and headed home, locking myself away in my room. I climbed into the bed and cried properly for the first time.
I cried for him, knowing I had broken him in ways I couldn't imagine. I had destroyed his happiness and I could see it in his face when I told him to leave me. I cried for my mom, knowing I was the reason she was so stressed and overworked. My illness was breaking her too and there was nothing could do to stop it. I cried for my dad, knowing he was gone and I couldn't bring him back and he couldn't save me anymore.
Lastly, I cried for myself. I cried because I was the cause of everything, I could have once had a normal life and normal future. I could have continued school or gone to those fancy art colleges I had so badly wanted to join. Maybe if I wasn't sick me and Taehyung would have worked out, maybe in the future we could have lasted. I could have had children of my own, a family of my own. I could have had a life, a real, long life. My eyes stung, red and puffy. It would be over soon, almost 100 days left.
Then I wouldn't be a problem anymore.
