84 days
He stopped messaging me ever since our last conversation, all the texts and the missed calls faded away. My phone sat empty and neglected, turned upside down on the windowsill. Maybe he stopped caring about me, maybe he forgot about me. Maybe he had moved on. I hoped so, no matter how much it pained me to think that. The sound of the door opening made my eyes drift slowly up to it, only to see my mother standing in the door way.
"Areum?" She said, looking at me cautiously. I nodded, waiting for her to continue.
"I need to talk to you" she said, closing the door softly behind her. She sat down beside me on the bed beside me, smoothing out the covers next to her.
"That co-worker I had told you I was seeing, he's invited us over for dinner next week I was thinking we should go?" She said, looking at me with a glint of caution in her eyes. I nodded slowly and flashed her a small fake smile to reassure her. A smile creeped onto her lips, kissing me on the cheek before leaving the room and uttering an excited 'thank you'.
My eyes wandered back down to the phone, his silence making me want to speak to him even more. I shook away the thoughts, grabbing my sketchbook and leaving the house. The snow had turned to slush now, just the bitter cold and the harsh wind left. I hugged my coat closer to my body, savouring any warmth that it contained. My feet kicked the melted snow as I walked down the path that led to the train tracks, the thick grey clouds concealing the sun. My hands brushed over the wet wood, pushing off the brown slush that built on top of it. I hated it.
Every single fibre of my body hated myself for everything, what did I do to have this happen? Emotions built inside me like wildfire, anger filling my blood. I kicked the wood, making the palettes crash onto the floor in a heap. This was my fault, it always way. I pulled the sketch book from my pocket and threw it into the mud, the wet puddle absorbing it. The air became silent, only my panting could be heard in the silence. Tears fell from my eyes, slowly tricking down my cheeks and dripping to the ground. Only 84 days left, then no more pain. I wouldn't cause anyone any pain, not anymore. Maybe he will forget me after I'm gone, he probably already has. My heart ached at the thought, making it hard to swallow. I looked down at the mud as I sunk down onto my knees, unable to move. My gaze slowly moved to the sketchbook laying halfway in the puddle, the pages soaked and stained. I looked away, my hand grazing my cheek and brushing the tears away.
-
"Sweetie are you alright? You look sick maybe-"
"I'm fine" I said bluntly, cutting of my mother.
"Where's Taehyung, I haven't seen him in a while"
"He's fine" I replied, gritting my teeth as I took my shoes off.
"But-" I quickly went upstairs and closed the door, leaving her standing in the kitchen. I felt guilty shutting her out again but time was closing in on me, we both knew that. She had to let go, sooner rather than later. My hand traced the chain hanging from my neck, my fingers trailing over the gem. I couldn't bring my self to get rid of it, it was all I had left of him.
I sunk onto the bed and wrapped the thick covers over myself, as I curled up inside. No matter how much sleep I got I always felt tired, the exhaustion taking a hold on me. It got harder to wake up everyday, nothing bringing me any release. I couldn't help but think of him and I hated myself for it. If he were with me I'd be smiling and laughing and so would he, but I ruined it. I ruined us. My eyes wandered to the curtain, my fingers trailing the edge. How badly I wanted to open them and call him, but didn't and I couldn't. Not now and not ever.
I wish I could thank him for all the happiness he brought me even in the little time I spent with him. He made me forget about all the things I had been drowning in before, pushing them aside so far that I forgot they even existed. If only things could have been different, maybe we would have had a chance. I smiled at the thought, the last glimpse of happiness in my system. Thank you Kim Taehyung for making me happy,
but happiness doesn't last.
