at this moment, i'm having a panic attack. i'm trying my hardest to breathe in but nothing's working. tears stroll down my cheeks harder than before and I control my breathing letting my head fall back onto the tree behind me.
"wow. I'm crying over a g-guy" i place my face onto my hands and take deep breaths , I feel a little tap on my shoulder making me turn back."oh. hi.." it was awkward , more than ever. i had treated him like absolute shit and he just walked right back to me like i did absolutely nothing
"you have every right to be mad at me. but just not now okay?" he sits beside me and hugs me for old times sake. i smile a little making him smile himself. he looks into my eyes and then suddenly lays on the grass looking up at the stars.
"remember that time when we came here just to look up at the stars?"
<<
"COME ON JOHNNY YOU'RE SO SLOW!" she yelled giggling at Johnny who was far behind
"I-I'M JUST LETTING YOU WIN S-SO YEAH!" he yells back out of breath, they finally arrive and John flops down onto the ground and looks upon the stars
"they're beautiful aren't they?" she says looking up at them fascinated
"just as beautiful as you are" she giggles and thanks him. it was normal for both johnny and kenzie to compliment each other, for them, it was a sign of how strong their friendship was.
"john you know it's my 6th birthday soon! I'm going to be big like you" she said. she really did look up to john, he was older by a few months but soon they would even out.
"i know silly. for a gift i will give you your own star." he stares at them and points at one , she thinks for a while. "what are you going to name it?" he asks her, smiling. anyone would say they were just two little kids in love but to them, it was different. they were two best friends living in their own reality.
"i'm going to name it Orlando"
>>
i look up at the sky and try to recognise my star. "i think that's Orlando" i smile to myself and he grins to the fact that i still remembered the stars name."it would be impossible to tell but that's probably it." he laughs and i do too. we stay silent for a while.
"you saw it didn't you. back there?" he whispers, looking down from the stars. "saw what?" i ask him and my nose twitched. usually a sign that i'm hiding the truth but today, i wasn't hiding anything. i didn't see anything. "i know you saw what you saw and-" he starts but i cut him off. whatever it was, i'm sure that it made him happy.
"listen, i want you to be happy john. you've always been my best friend and it's changing, we haven't talked for a while and had like a proper conversation. i don't want things to change anymore. why can't we go back to being six and being an a pair of idiots who lived in their own reality." he simply nods and looks back up at the stars. we both lay there in complete silence looking up at the glistening stars
***
after going home last, feeling guilty and upset i don't even know how to get myself up. i slowly change and step into the shower letting the hot sprinkles of water hit my skin, i couldn't feel any real pain anymore. i finish up and change into a random hoodie only realising that it was the hoodie.. the one on my lockscreen and homescreen. the one that i made memories in, the one i now truly disliked.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
i unlock my phone ignoring all the missed calls and texts, and look at the picture, tears staining my quicker than before. my eyes were like waterfalls now, they wouldn't dry up. they weren't going to dry up unless i pulled myself together. i quickly wipe them away and let my head fall against the bed frame and decide to turn my phone off completely. i'm going to have a day to myself, drift off to sleep and just relax.
"kenzie?" i hear from a soft knock on my door. i sit up and say a weak 'come in'. "i came to check up on you, you left the party yesterday and we all tried running after you but couldn't find you after. i'm sorry" she says, pulling me into a hug. "you probably know what's happened" i say and she confirms. i point to my mirror and she nods. i need to look at myself.
my eyes were all red and poofy. my hair was swaying everywhere. the tips of my hoodie were wet from all the snot wiping. i was disgusted to see that on the mirror.
"it's ok , we don't have to talk about it at all." i nod to her comment and run to her arms. she's barely here these days since she's in college now. although she lives with us, she's still never around. "it's time to start the moving on process even if you just broke up a day ago." i look up into her eyes and burst into silent tears. this had been way too much for me to handle and i could never admit it. "how about we go watch a movie? to cheer you up" she says comforting me, i don't reply at first and she repeats the question adding a please.
"fine."
***
we laughed and chuckled through the whole ride, since Maddie had her driver's license it was so easy to get to the mall and i didn't even have to walk that much. maybe she's right. i do have to try and forget him, as hard as it will be, i'll try my hardest.
"kenz" she says looking at me and waiting for me to choose a movie. "that one" i point at random, i wasn't in the mood for a movie but she's made such an effort to help me that i can't say no.
"are you sure i mean-"
"yes. i am can we please go in?" she nods and buys the tickets. i then look at the movie i picked and just for my luck i picked The Fault In Our Stars. great. more crying. more loss
i turn myself away from the counter in which mads was still paying at and see john and sophia walking hand in hand, their smiles glistened and shone. his eyes flickered and moved rapidly to her movement, she looked up and giggled. so hard to watch, happiness in someone close to me was quite hard to watch.. i'm truly rotten.
[john]
we walk into the mall and there she was , looking messy and heartbroken , her eyes were red and she was wearing that same hoodie hayden and her wore to Disneyland. i guess she isn't trying to move so much. her hair was tied in what seemed like a perfect messy bun.. we make quick eye contact that didn't last long at all. she was hurt I could see it in her eyes but i didn't have the guts to question it.
