Devoid

HOW SHE WON MY HEART

It's been more than a week since the phone argument with Lisa. And ever since that morning, we never talked much or even texted each other. We just greet each other to say "good morning", "good night", or "coffee?". I just wanted to give our shitty situation a sarcastic laugh because it's just so... shitty.

I remember on the morning after her indecent proposal two years ago, she texted me that she's already outside our house and that she prepared breakfast for me. I was irritated because first, where the hell did she get my number? Second, is she serious about everything she said the other night? Third, isn't it too early for her to play her games on me? And fourth, how come that the wallpaper of my phone is her bratty face?!

But she was persistent and assured me that her intention is clean. She said that she wanted to give us a try and that she would do everything to make us work. Everyday, she would drop by our house (her house is just a house away from ours) and bring me something before she proceeds to school, message me sweet nothings even during her class hours, call me during her free time to ask me about random things and to hear my voice as well, check out if I'm already home at night even though she knows about my whereabouts already because she's constantly bugging me every minute, steal a kiss or two on my cheek, forehead, eyes, nose, neck, and lips and everywhere.

As she is doing her efforts every single day, I am also battling with myself on resisting her effect on me. It was so hard that I eventually gave in. I accepted the fact that I am already falling in love with her and that I AM GAY. At first, I was scared because it's the first time that I've been attracted to a girl (maybe in the past there was an instance... it's just that I am not aware). I don't know how to handle a same sex relationship, more so, the judgment of the society. I also haven't been in a serious relationship with someone before.

Some would say that there's no difference between the homogenous and heterosexual relationship. But I believe that there is a huge difference (based on my experience). Guys may swoon you with their strong appeals and make your heart beat fast but ladies could make your face blush, eyes glued towards their direction, heart beat loud that you could almost hear it, and stomach heats up as they approach you. There's also a tendency that you would be obsessed with their scents that you would automatically recognize their presence even from afar. I don't know if all bisexual women feel the way that I do. Maybe my gayness is just more biased to girls than hunkies.

After admitting to myself that I fell into Lisa's net, it felt like some walls within me have been broken down. I felt a different kind of happiness and freedom that I've never felt before. Like what John Mayer's song Half of my Heart says, she came crashing in like the realest thing. And I tried my best to understand all that her love can bring.

It was on the 27th day of May when I told her that I also wanted to give us a try to make us work. I cannot forget the happiness that I saw in her eyes although she had shed a tear after my confession.

We decided to tell Irene the real score between us first because we believe that she is one of those who could best understand us knowing that she's also in a same sex relationship. Of course, she was shocked because she thought that her sister was only playing games with me but Lalisa assured her that it's the other way around.

The next to know was Lisa's parents (they were very much okay with us being together as they were with Irene and Seul) followed by my parents, who were at first shocked and a little bit disappointed but later welcomed us with open arms then our close friends.

Our relationship may have not started smoothly but we have learned a lot of things about our individualities and each other as well as we pursue the higher level. Everything went well... we loved each other, supported each other, explored each other's universe, went to different adventures together, exchanged thoughts about love, life, philosophy and other things, and many more. Until our ambitions and egos broke us up that we ended up in this kind of situation where we cannot even figure out if we would still go on or just accept the fact that we have to end up everything to minimize the damage, to preserve whatever amount of love and respect that we have left for each other.

But there's a part of me that still wants to fight because I know that we shouldn't end this way and as much as possible I don't want us to end because I love her damn much. I must admit that my heart, mind, and body are already beyond exhausted and that my soul is the last piece of me that keeps on pushing me to stay even though it's already standing at the door, more than ready to leave anytime.

"Tutok na tutok ka diyan, ah?" I heard Sehun, one of the reporters in our network, say behind me.

"Oh, sorry nandiyan ka pala. Kanina ka pa?"

He sat beside me. We're currently on the company's building rooftop, my favorite spot to chill during breaks.

"Medyo. Nandoon ako sa kabilang side and I saw you here... What are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing. Just some old video I'm editing," I replied.

The video I was referring to was my trip to El Nido with Lisa, Irene, and Seulgi more than six months ago. It was not only our major vacation together but also the last time we were intimate to each other.

"Can I see it?" he asked and I instantly agreed.

Sehun is one of my closest friends here in the network. Aside from having a smart mouth, humorous character, and nice voice, he is also one of the few genuine employees in our workplace (which is composed of fake people who delivers accountable news and stories to the public.)

He remained quiet until the video ended. I thought he was not impressed by it but to my surprise, he spoke overwhelming praises to my work.

"OMG sis! I did not know that you're really great in making videos. You should pursue it, you know. I'm sure that you will have a future in filmmaking. Your material is very clean, the composition is very pleasing to the eyes...pasok na pasok lalo na sa mga millennials, the flow of the frames was excellently executed, and the music was wisely chosen. Bravo!"

"Thanks for the compliment but I believe na marami pa akong dapat matutunan. I want to learn animation to add creativity. At marami pa akong dapat malaman about editing softwares, videography, and camera techniques."

"Hay nako, ikaw pa ba? Tiyak na kayang-kaya mo yan... Oh wait lang, napag-isipan mo na ba ang offer ni Miss Jessica?"

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya.

Eight months ago, I was offered by the network through our head, Miss Jessica, to do a travel show wherein I will be given a chance to visit 10 countries of my choice... all expense paid together with my crew. But not only that, I will be the one to write, direct and edit the whole show as well.

Honestly, the offer is very tempting because the whole concept is within the field of my interest and it has been my dream to do a travel show wherein I am in charge of almost everything.

But something... no... someone is holding me back. Lisa...

I cannot go without fixing our problems... our relationship.

But the offer, my dream, cannot wait forever for my decision.

And it's obvious that our relationship is already beyond repair.